Cornelius' Blog of Wondermentalitations

Hide and go seek mutha fuckas

2006-11-02T20:58:00.000-05:00

Where has Cornelius gone???

Try www.theamericant.blogspot.com

It's my new blog.

I have decided that y'all know a little too much about me, so I am gonna focus on a set topic from now on at my new blog.

It's fun, It's hip and/or with it.

Kate Moss snorts my new blog.

Please don't hate me, I will still post here occasionally, but all the cool kids are going to my post prom party at www.theamericant.blogspot.com

Gay my face and Toilet Paper Fashion Shows...

2006-10-13T13:04:00.000-05:00

- So real quick before i tell you the tale of Toilet Paper Fashion Show....Wednesday was national coming out day, I hope everyone and their fucking mothers are gay and shit, but the best thing is that the day before national coming out day, UMD had crazy christians on our campus, talking about how fags are bad and fags are evil and we all have AIDS and wear brown leather belts with black leather shoes ect ect. Well the crazy preacher got a dose of FAG POWER!!! the UMD pride alliance ALONG with the christian group on campus held a counter protest. God + Fags = Crazy chrisitan preacherman getting a whole lot of shade thrown his way. The wierd thing is, Is that he was all like, "Homosexualists (yes he called us Homosexualists, which is how I will now identify myself on census forms) are addicted to masturbation which is bad" UMMM the last time I checked, STRAIGHTS LOVE TO MASTURBATE TOO. There was some "Hey whaa happened" (A Mighty Wind reference) concerning UMD allowing this nut-job on campus, but I am all about free speach, bring on the crazies, if you have the balls to preach hate in front of fags, well more power to ya, but remember, I will cuss you out like a latino girl. Anyway, here is the link...

http://www.diamondbackonline.com/media/storage/paper873/news/2006/10/11/News/Students.Protest.AntiGay.Religious.Demonstration-2343557.shtml?norewrite200610131358&sourcedomain=www.diamondbackonline.com

- Now onto better things... Namely my TOILET PAPER FASHION SHOW!!!!
In my family, my maternal grandmother, "Memaw" is queen bee. Bitch gots da monies, Bitch gots da powers. She is a proper southern debutante from Savannah that was moved to Southern Maryland by my grandfather, and she hated it. There was no real social scene outside of the Naval Academy balls and she lived in a crumbling plantation house in the middle of a 500 acre farm with no neighbors for miles. My grandfather traveled overseas 10 months a year for his job as an executive with Phillip-Morris (no lie: he was the guy that was in charge of crossbreeding tobacco so that it would become more addictive) So when he would get back from overseas, he would usually have gifts for my grandmother, one time it was a lacquered chinese armoir that he bought from some herion addict, another time it was stuffed front half of a tiger he killed himself (that classy bitch lived in my Memaw's dining room until he house keeper "accidently" left it outside during a storm). This sets up the environment she was surrounded by, a huge house full of glamourous shit and no interaction with people besides Lillian, her crazy housekeeper. This drove my Memaw a little Koo-Koo for Cocoa puffs if you get my drift. Bitch has been on quaaludes and mescline since JFK was in office. She had a fucking shitload of children to keep her company, Charles, my uncle who is incapable of love and ad a pechant for belting his dockers up 'round his titties, Marlena, my crazy southern baptist aunt who is incredibly racist, yet has an adopted mexican child and latino husband that "Speaka berry livval angles", Then we have my mother, Princess Di Doppleganger, Feminist Lawyer extroidinaire that let me pick out her power suits for court, and finally, Melvin, my no lie, mentally unstable uncle that lives in an old guest house on my grandmother's property with no electricity (he also takes great joy in shooting animals with a paintball gun, whomever got him that fucking gun was smoking crack).
My family always got together at my Memaw's for sunday night dinners before all the grandkids headed off to college. This was the time that the little project runway in me got to flourish. My grandmother has 5 bathrooms in her house, each one with a different theme, One is the swan bathroom with fucking hideous white birds all over the place, one is the bordello bathroom that has blood red peeling damask on its walls and an overhead light that has fringe on it like the lights at old Pizza Huts, one is the "helps bathroom" which is where Lillian takes dumps, the really cool art deco one with an andular toilet that makes it feel like you are tafing a dump while sitting on an anvil and then we have my grandmother's personal bathroom, the Pink Palace bathroom. While she was isolated on the farm, she comined TWO FUCKING BEDROOMS into one ginormous bathroom, it has a huge pepto bismol pink claw foot tub, pink marble counters and shower stall and pink tiles and pink towels and pink porcealin kitty cat figureines all over the fucking place, you sit down to take a shit, a fucking pink kitty is staring at you. Now if you had to take a guess, which bathroom would be my favorite...the pink one of course. Memaw is very particular about who sees or uses her pink pussy bathroom, as the gay grandson, and naturally a neat and tiddy pisser and pooper, i am the only grandchild that is allowed access to this room. My mom isn't even allowed in there, which is fucking awsome cause she gets so fucking pissed off.
I like to go to the bathroom a good 5 minutes before i actually have to use the bathroom so i can soak in the atmosphere. Pink soaps, pink lotions and pink mutha fuckin toilet paper. Now as a young- clueless - about - my - sexuality child i would see this toilet paper and the words "DIVA FASHION SHOW" would pulse through my head. I would make sashes cause i would be the first Ms. America with a dingdong, so i needed a sash, I would make turbans, haltertops, really slutty short skirts, and wedding veils (for my impending nuptuals with Mr. Hulk Hogan). I needed no thread, I would just tuck the ends into my undies or twist the ends together to make shit stick. This was my little secret, well mine and my crazy uncle's, cause he walked in on me one time, but no one would believe him anyway because he's a functional retard. But one time, my Memaw was wondering what was taking her little gay grandson so long in the bathroom, so she came upstairs and walked in on me prancing around with a powder scented - pink crop top with matching flapper-esqe skirt. I was such a flaming mo when i was young. Well to my shock, she wasn't pissed off, she was so excited...she immediately grabbed one of her hair pieces and clipped it onto my head and marched me downstairs to show me off the the family. As i was thrust into the dining room where my family was eating, i could see the looks of "holy fuck" spread across my family's faces. My grandma made me prance around the table and told me to stand up in her giant bay window like a fucking christmas tree so she could see me better. She thought i was Oleg Cassini, my other family members thought i was a pre pubescent tranny.
Well it was about 3 weeks since the dining room fiasco, and my mom got a call from my Memaw, she wanted to know if I wanted to compete in her "Crazy rich white lady talent show" at her "Crazy rich white lady methodist church". I guess my mom was still steamed at me because she couldn't take dumps in the pink bathroom so she said "Sure, Cornelius would love to". Oh my god. Not only was i going to my tranny freak show flag fly in front of a bunch of Richoldwhiteladies, but i was going to let my tranny freak flag fly in the house of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. The talent show / tard-fest was only two weeks away so my grandmother commanded me to be all underaged indian sweatshop child and make a fucking ballgown out of pink, blue, and white toilet paper. I was going to be modeling a very queer patriotic evening gown. Of course i secretly loved the idea but i was taught to hide this joy because normal boys don't make evening gowns out of toilet paper, suck in their cheeks, and strut their stuff down the middle of a methodist church. Well guess what bitches, that's what this boy did.
I was third in line for the show, sandwiched between the 5 year old flautist grandson of some old bitch and the tap dancin' fag grandson of another old dowager slut. I am convinced that church talent shows are like church choirs...finishing schools for burgeoning homosexualists. Seriously, when was the last time you went to a talent show and someone's talent was hitting a baseball or fingering a girl. It's all tapdancing, baton twirling and "Ace of Base" songs (I sang "I Saw the Sign" at another church talent show, but that's another story). So after little "Frankie the Flute Playing Fag" got shuffled off stage, it was DIVA'S turn. The church organist pumped out from what I could discern was a "very jazzy version of His Eye is on the Sparrow" and i marched my shit down the isle. It took me to the end of the runway before the gasps were replaced but confused applause. I was a heretical success. My memaw met me when I came off stage and she gave me the biggest hug. She loved it, and she loved me. That is why she is my favorite person, it was that day that I knew no matter what, she would always love me. I could skull fuck a kitten then kill it and serve it to an autistic child and Memaw would be all "How thoughtful of you". Bitch loves her some Cornelius, and Cornelius loves him some Bitch. I found out many years later that she entered me in the fashion show as a big "fuck you" to the other Oldrichwhiteladies because they didn't allow her on some committee cause she is a fucking loony bat. My gown was a big middle finger (made of toilet paper). Many years later, when i finally came out to her, she was not suprised, she could care less, and thats why i love her, bitch is all about me crapping out some kids though.

END SCENE

LIVE RETARDS: Caught on Film!!!

2006-10-12T19:58:00.000-05:00

- So here are some pics from my past weekend in NYC with Miss Christy and our lover Anna...Someone call the Special Olympics...we have 3 new contenders.

Update, Homowait, Foley-gate, Nip / Tuck Great

2006-10-10T21:21:00.000-05:00

- Sorry , I have been all MIA recently, I have really been all busy and shit trying to get my boss elected so he could help rid our great land of dickwipes...here are some breaking news in the land of Corneliuston...

- Nip / Tuck is my mutha fuckin show jammy jam jammmmm. The homoerotic undertones coupled with unneccesary plastic surgery makes me want to prance around my room in a pair of high heels to The Cure demanding that my cat "put the lotion on it's skin before she gets the hose again". One of my exes, was a plastic surgeon, and the life that he and his little small dicked posse of fellow surgeons led really mimics the show. Bitches got fucked left and right for operations, it was kinda the reason we seperated, that and the fact he canceled a dinner date with me to have sex with an underage escort when I totally would give it up for a vodka tonic and metro fare home from his place. fuckin hoe.

- Holy Foley! Big fag, guess who else is...Hastert. Everyone fucking knows that. Notice how all the people are not denying they knew the whole Foley thing a while back, but they are just trying to pass responsibility...it's because the hill is covered with Souffle-baking, Dusty Springfield singing, mo mo a go gos. You couldn't drop kick a hairless asian twink with a ballgag on this hill without hitting a pole smoker. Wanna hear some other fun gossip...do your research and see which Chief of staff not only is the highest paid, yet least qualified and also lives with the Congressman they work for?? I'll give you a clue...his boss' last name rhymes with Bastert. EVERYONE KNOWS!!!!

- Worker bees on the hill get to go to receptions all the time. These receptions are open bar, full food spread, and usually only attended by us poor ass staffers, it is a rare sight to see a representative, Senator or their man-child love-slave there. A certain number of these receptions are notorious for getting a lil rowdy with all us young hill staffers getting a little too drunk and trying to hide Coronas in their briefcases for the metro ride home. Well suprise mutha fuckin suprise, which member of congress has a reputation of showing up for these drunken shenanigans???? It rhymes with Perv-oley. Bitch had crazy "man huntin" eyes. All I have to say is that shit is about to hit the fan, the GOP now stands for "Gagging On Penis".

- I got to go to to NYC this past weekend with Miss Christy to visit our great friend Anna. While on the bus ride (we be classy bitches and travel in style) we played a great game called "If you were a stripper, and the DJ at your strip club hated you, what song would he play to make you depressed and cry when it was your turn to go to the pole and rub your twat in Japanese businessmen's faces?" It's a great game...we played it loudly, our current winner is "Lady in Red" and "Michael Row Your Boat Ashore". Nothing like a rousing game of "Sad Stripper Songs" to make daddy thirsty. As soon as we got off the subway at Anna's place we were all up in a liquor store. Wine, vodka, beer, vodka, more wine, hobo urine, god knows what else was ingested by me. I am truly suprised i didn't fall off of a roof. Anna took us to a great Tapas restaurant called Sol y Sombra where we pigged out and I had the best quail EVER. I am such an asshole, I eat quail at every chance, give me a small harmless fucking bird, I'll fucking chomp on that bitch. If you are ever up on the upper west side GO TO SOL Y SOMBRA!!!! We hung out in the park, went to a party where i fell down repeatedly, and then i decided to call my ex boyfriend while retardedly drunk which is fast becoming a disturbing pattern.

- Ok that is it for right now, if you behave yourselves, i will post a story shortly involving me, different colored scented toilet paper, my dowager maternal grandmother, and a church fashion show involving all of the above.

Another Childhood Story....

2006-09-20T11:45:00.000-05:00

- So I have been feeling pretty shitty the past weeks, hence me not posting regularly, hell I post about as regularly as a 90 year old's bowel movements. So once again, I lay prostrate, at your feet, begging for forgiveness, and offer another glimpse into my fucked up childhood. Sit back and enjoy...Shenanigan: My Retarded Puppy.

- Growing up on a farm, I had the opportunity to have a whole shitload of pets, from a horse with an eating disorder, to a really gay goose that attacked women and tried to hump all the men it saw, Cornelius was a modern day Noah, minus the beard and ability to talk to God and stuff. Of course, being an American family we had our requisite family dog. First we had Toto, which my brothers and I called "Toto Mandingo" because he looked like Toto from the Wizard of Oz, but had a red rocket that could make a Clydesdale blush, it's a wonder he didn't fall down more often. We have also had Smokey, my older brother's dog that lived with us. Smokey tried to commit suicide on numerous occasions by forgetting that she didn't know how to swim but she still insisted on jumping into large bodies of water to fetch what I can only guess were imaginary sticks that the angels were throwing, my dad chalked her Kurt Cobain-ish zest for life to the fact that my older brother kept her on an exclusive diet of lite beer and cat food. After Smoky succeeded in making it to that doghouse in the sky, my dad brought home Shenanigan. My father had gone to a fundraiser for a "Save the Chesapeake Bay" foundation and bid on a baby black lab in a raffle, he won. Apparently, the puppy is like the fucking Prince William of the Black Lab community and his father was like Brad Pitt and his mom was like Princess fucking Grace or some shit. So the dog being all purebred and pedigreed, had a name that was like Louis-Xavier-Sassypants-Crotch-Sniffer-Jenkins-Shenanigan-folly-google.com. Well we shortened that shit to Shenanigan, or Shana. Little did we know that the precious little ball of black fur that laid curled on my mom's lap would turn out to be the Corky from "Life Goes On" of our family. Symptoms of her retarded skull being occupied by nothing but an even more retarded dusty rag surfaced when we took her for a checkup at the vet's and he told us she had the equivalent of doggy mental retardation, he went even further saying that Shenanigan should have been put to sleep when she was born. Should the fact that all four of her legs were totally different lengths or the fact that she never got larger than the size of a small dufflebag have been a red flag??? Well, being total animal lovers, my family was like "Hell to the No", we took Shenanigan home and treated her just like our very own Rose Kennedy. We let Shenanigan have full run of the farm, she would go and visit the horses, eat their oats and straw, go off and sunbathe on the highway that was 2 miles from our house, only to be returned by someone thinking that she had already been hit by a car because she acted so strange. It wasn't a well spent day until she had run at least 20 times into the electrical fence near the horse barn that could kill a small child. I always thought it was the doggy equivalent of sniffing permanent markers. This was in my "Cornelius thinks he's a witch" period, so sadly, I would watch her get electrocuted and "pretend I had put a safety charm over her so she wouldn't die", which I thought was actually working, little did I know that because of her fucked up body and nervous system, she had no sense of touch in her front part of her body, hence her repeated tangos with the fence. One of her favorite past times was licking her reflection. Anywhere, it didn't matter if it was a glass door, a puddle of antifreeze on the garage floor, or the shiny fender of a car whizzing by at 50 miles per hour, bitch needed a lick of some vitamin Shenanigan. (Sidenote: because she was retarded and never seemed to get hurt or anything, my brothers and I used to encourage her to eat everything. One time, my older brother fed her like $3 in quarters and let her chug a liter of Mountain Dew, Bitch was crazy) This licking game started to become slightly more dangerous though when she started to go blind and her 4 uneven legs got doggy arthritis. She got hit by cars more often, not seriously but more like she chased a car, the driver saw her in their rear view mirror, they slam to a stop, Shenanigan would slam her little Helen Keller ass into the rear bumper because her "Spidey Sense" was a tiddle bit off. Methinks she needs that girl's helmet in my previous post. Her blindness really started to affect her one autumn, and one day, when my younger brother went to her usually haunts to try to find her, he noticed she was nowhere to be found. Shenanigan was gone. My parent's tried to console us but we were all emotional wrecks, just the image of a little retarded blind dog with 4 uneven little retarded legs all alone in the world made us sob like little bitches. Shenanigan body was found later that winter partly frozen into the bank of the Patuxent River behind our house by a neighbor. Apparently she must have been walking (retardedly, of course) along the bank and died and the high tide had sort of preserved her. We went and ice-picked her body from nature's cruel grasp and decided to give her a proper burial. The only thing was, is that it was in January, and the ground was frozen solid, so she was only 2 feet under instead of 6. Our new dog Bella (who wasn't retarded) dug her up the following spring and left her in the driveway, right where she had used to love to lick her reflection, Shenanigan had come full circle.

He's making a list...

2006-09-20T08:12:00.000-05:00

- Remember children, Christmas is only a few months away. What are you asking Santa for?

Trim Food Poisoning Spa Baby!!!

2006-09-12T09:36:00.000-05:00

- Went to the beach house this past weekend. SUCKED MY DONG. Little did i know that my so called weekend of relaxation was to be marred by the presence of my fucking satanic evil devil cousins. They aren't really my cousins, they are the 3 sons of my cousin, but here in the south we call everyone cousin, that or auntie. Anygay, these little shitstains proceed to not only break a sliding glass door, but also decided to play a fun game called "Bite Cousin Cornelius When He is Passed Out Due To Overconsumption of Vodka". I have bite marks all over my body, it's rather disgusting. It looked like i lost a sexually charged game of twister with Marv Albet, Mike Tyson and Saly Struthers (She's a biter too, y'know). God help me if I decide to have sexual contact with anyone before these things heal...I saw them in the mirror and i was definatley the lead in a Lifetime movie co-starring Tyne Daily and Judith Light. But to top me getting cannibalized this weekend, CoCo got himself some food poisoning. Bad News: I vomited in my hair and into my cupped hands and then threw it out of my window onto ecologically sensitive seashore...Good News: I lost 8 pounds, and my neck and shoulder muscles have never looked more toned. My Mom warned me I shouldn't have eaten that Sushi from the Truck Stop in Virgina...but it looked so good, and $2.50 for 2 California rolls??? I had to have it. Ohhhh and it being bitten and having mouth abortions all weekend wasn't as lollypops and rainbows as everyone may imagine, My car (actually my brother's which i am now driving for cas conservation of course) decided to die on me, at aforementioned truck stop of sushi death. I had to whore it up to a lady with a grand total teeth count matched her IQ so she would find someone to put in a new battery for me. Fuck this weekend, Fuck redneck sushi, FUCK MY COUSINS (waste of sperm) and Fuck You!!

Here are some funny French and Saunders sketches.....

Shit in one hand...cock in another.

2006-09-08T10:13:00.000-05:00

- I think that's how the "olde timey" saying goes, but anyway it is an apt description of the way i feel and the dilemma i am faced with. While minding my own business, sipping some tea this past Wednesday, my cell rang...me being the total finger counter, didn't screen the call and picked it up. It was my ex...the old one...that bought me a puppy...and stole it back...and killed a baby (just kidding, i think).

The ex with his baby doll "Chevrolet".

He was very cordial and asked me how life was going, blah blah blah. Bitch must have been on some Bolivian marching powder cause "coo coo for crack rocks" did not shut up. He basically said he called because he was finishing unpacking his photos and pictures into his new condo (which is glass bottle chucking distance from Lady Benjamina's apartment) and stumbled (more like used as an erotic aide) upon a picture of me and MY puppy that he had taken by a professional photographer many months ago. He said it warmed the cancerous lump in his chest he calls a "heart' and wanted to know if I was interested in "Still being friends with him". Erm...B'scuse me?? "Friends"?? "Friends"?? If by friends he means, would i be interested in tricking him into trusting me and then throwing all his suits into a bathtub and lighting it on fire a la "Waiting to Exhale" while he is out purchasing me a new nose and chin...then yes. If he means, would i be willing to sit on the phone all night with him gabbing about his latest 12 year old hairless Slovenian conquest and having "Girl Parties" watching muther fucking Bridget Jones and eating fucking brownies...then he can take his dick, numb it with an icecube, snip it off, bend over, and shove it up his ass, he can go fuck himself. Gabbing about sex is reserved for Miss Christy and Lady Benjamina, and this blog. I did however agree to meet up with him next weekend at Zengo's (which is my favorite place) to get drinks, his treat of course, and then head to JR's where a sauced up Lady Ben will be waiting to steal his keys so we can go liberate my puppy. Who's up for joining us???

Metro Weekly WATCH: Tranny-Tastic!!!

2006-09-07T09:25:00.000-05:00

For some strange reason, my gay internal clock is off by...erm..let's say a week, it's all this goddamn country air and absence of crime that has my body fucked out of whack. So this weeks MWW is from last weeks, who really fucking cares after all, tragedy is tragedy is tragedy. Enjoy!

- "Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Aaron Nevil with a meth addiction.."

- Tony, Toni, To-nay!

- Looks like someone slapped some lipgloss on diabetes and took it to a club.

- "It's Liza with a Z muthafuckas!"

- "I may have been born just plain white trash, but Fancy is-a my name!" or "Annie Get Your Dildo".

- Malan Breton + Lil' Kim = This Child

- Ace Young from American Idol and his manager, Muttonchops McPussyrash.

- Spot the floating head, Spot the Tranny, Spot the child mollestor, Spot the crappy highlighted hair.

- I wonder who paid for those beverages???? Hurrrmmmmm??

- MY favorite gay couple Suprised Latino and Fart Sniffer.

Cheers Queers

Fun with Cornelius and friends...

2006-08-31T15:34:00.000-05:00

My great friend Benjamina came over the other day and presented me with a gift…a 40 ounce bottle of malt liquor, he also brought one for himself. How refreshing and delightful. Benjamina is such a clever little monkey. Little did Benjamina know, but it being a Thursday, I had already popped down to my local alcohol market and purchased two 40-ounce bottles of beers to celebrate “Thirsty Thursdays”. So in total, we had four 40’s in one apartment…we drank them all….needless to say, momma passed the fuck out.

2 Homosexual men in their early 20’s + 160 ounces of malt liquor + camera built into my laptop = Hilarity…

Me being gay and all, I have a box full of hats and scarves. We ladies decided to have a Ladies Millinery Fashion Show…. sponsored by Old English Brand Malt Liquor of course.

After “Hat Fun Time” we decided we should give ourselves Scotch Tape Face Lifts!!! What fun!! Ben, being half Asiatic and all, didn’t see much of a difference in his elective surgery, I on the other hand felt like the Queen of Siam. “Getting to know you, getting to know all about you…”

Then I pretended to be a rich English Lord, substituting a cap off of the malt liquor bottle for my monocle. I called myself Lord Drinky Drunk, Earl of Foggy Bottom.

Then Benjamin and I decided to tell each other secrets about all the Senators, Congressmen, and foreign Royalty that we have “Entertained in our boudoir”.

All in all, it was a great evening…two friends acting like the slow coaches that they are, drank 160 ounces of malt liquor, and promptly passed the fudge out.

METRO WEEKLY WATCH: GAY FACE ALERT EDITION!!!!

2006-08-29T20:50:00.000-05:00

So this is my first MWW in a long ass time, so to celebrate this momentous occasion, I am posting pictures and captions that relate to a serious problem that 8 out of 10 fags in the DC metro area suffer from…GAY FACE. National spokesperson for GAY FACE ALLEVIATION GROUP (G’FAG) Clay Aiken told me (whilst we were pillow talking after our last clandestine brown love session at the local Motel 8) that GAY FACE is caused when one person has soo much glitter-gay gayishness bottled up in their hairless gay little bodies that the autonuerological response from the body is a contortion of the face, resulting in a facial appearance somewhere between Joan Crawford and a retarded puppy proud of himself for just taking a wiz on the pee-pee pad. The most common observed symptoms are the…

BABY’S CONFUSED DISORDER (Below) – This symptom is the one most often gone unnoticed until it matures into GF. It is a simple glazing of the eyes like one has just smelled one’s own fart or watched a “Very Special Episode of Blossom” (y’know, the one where she gets all raped and shit), blank slating of the face and usually accompanied with blond highlights and an ironic t-shirt such as “Sorry Girls, I suck Dick” or ”You Looked Hotter on Myspace” or posing as a coverboy for MetroWeekly. Now when diagnosing persons afflicted with BCD, make sure that they aren’t actual real life retarded folks, if you go around diagnosing “touched in the head” folks, people are either gonna call the cops or give you a medical degree. The most promising fact about BCD is that is can be cured before is morphs into full blown GF by turning off Hillary Duff music playing in subject’s ear buds and placing a copy of “Advanced Sociological Hierarchy of the Bourbon Court” by Guillume Vichion, into their gay, slow, little paws. If subject has a fit owing to the fact that he cannot read or pretends not to read, just tell subject it is about “fierce parties in Paris, yeah, like totally royal circuit parties”. This will pique their curiosity and once the brain processes the data the eye is taking in, BCD is almost certainly cured.

GRINDMEJUNKE (Below) – This is one of the most recognizable symptoms of GF. Subjects can be observed grinding their “Junk” (also called “rubbing me baby making bits”) on the rear and back locale of another subject’s body. Sometimes however, when GF is in its most severe stages, in absence of a body to rub against, subjects have been know to attach their nether regions to bars, poles, pool cues, grocery carts, speakers and most horrible of all…local DJ’s. Grindmejunke is non-curable and usually fatal for the simple reason that sufferers end up “banging their baby makers” on violent people, or moving vehicles.

ARCHED EYEBROW (Below) – This is an effect of watching one too many episodes of “Designing Women” and memorizing Delta Burke a.k.a. Suzanne Sugarbaker’s every fucking facial expression. The arched eyebrow is most common when trying to seduce the evening’s bun for the evening’s hotdog. To prevent arched eyebrow, stop shaving your crotch, and quit TIVOing Lifetime, you fucking poof.

DIVA DOWNS a.k.a. DRAG QUEEN DROPSY (Below) – This symptom manifests itself when one has ingested one too many “Girlfriend” drinks (girlfriend drinks consist of any drink that a sassy black woman would order at a bar while she is out with her girlfriends, hence the name). After a certain amount of these are imbibed and the subject is exposed to any vocal heavy diva dance remix, subject begins to place hands on hips, take on a sassy attitude whilst conversing with acquaintances (that he renames Mo’Nique and Bruchetta Jenkins), and most frequently, suffers from delusions that he is Diana Ross. If you suspect one of your friends is currently suffering from Diva Downs, do not come in contact with them as it is contagious (We all know Divas travel in packs but end up fighting each other) and immediately call the closest black woman to come over and slap the shit out of your friend’s 90 pound, glitter-lotioned, “I’m Every Woman” singing ass.

GAY HAT DISORDER (Below) – Just like people with broken legs wear casts, women wear tampons and all other injured people can be identified by their accoutrement, sufferers of GF can be easily spotted by their shitty shitty “My god, I should have a show on Teen Disney” hats. These hats try to pull attention from subject’s GF, overplucked eyebrows, or facial hair that looks like a drunk leprechaun was allowed to shave their face, but in the end leaves people pondering “Why is that bitch wearing a fucking wool cap in a 300 degree club? Does bitch have bald spots or some shit?” If you ever find yourself in the hat section of your local H&M or Abercrombie, summon the nearest “retail specialist / team member” and instruct them to strangle you with your messenger bag until you no longer have a pulse.

And in closing, Remember: Only you can prevent flaming homosexuality.

Over and out….

Special shout out to the sluts reading this across the pond…Jesus and my wang love you.

METRO WEEKLY WATCH: GAY FACE ALERT EDITION!!!!

2006-08-24T13:09:00.000-05:00

Ok so I am gonna post a MWW as soon as i find me some reliable internettin' this fucking stealing other people's signal stuff sucks balls because blogger keeps closing...arggggg...anyway, it's gonna be a good one, I wrote it halfway through my first of 2 fourt-tays of the afternoon.

Reunited and it feels so good...

2006-08-20T18:42:00.000-05:00

- Sorry about the long absence...Miss Christy spilled a cup of vodka and crystal light all over my laptop, which effectively erased all of my saved passwords including the one to this blogger account. Now I have a brand new MacPro (Which I an orally pleasuring at this very moment because it's so fucking hot), miraculously remembered my blogger ID and password and will be back to writing about how fucked up I am and how I punch babies because my parents chose their careers over hugging me. Some things to ponder until I post again...

- My ex (and possible baby daddy) is moving back from London to DC, umm, shit ladies, shit...

- I have decided to move to London after graduation to repeatedly attempt to stab Alistair Appleton in the bum with my gentle bits...

- I am moving from DC to Annapolis in ohhh, about, 10 days. Goodbye Death Capital, Hello solitary drinking and Naval cadets...

- My job basically requires me telling men and women (really mostly women) that are running for the senate and congress that they look like shit in their publicity pictures and need to take all the money they used for TV commercials and invest in some serious plastic surgery. It's awesome, so far I have reduced a 60 year old Vietnam vet who is running for office in Colorado to tears because I told him his suit "Looked like he found it on a blind retard"...

- Whilst being a chantuese at my local gay/country western/karaoke bar, I managed to work the words "vagina" and "pussy", and the phrase "Spend a lil money on me to see my pussy" into the sing-along classic "Hey Big Spender".Oh I was a hot mess...

I am a whore, an international one, but still a whore...

2006-06-22T07:54:00.000-05:00

- Not a long post, just wanted to alert people, that i am no longer dating Americans of any kind. From now on, my penis will only grace the buttocks of people born overseas.

- Here are some funny pics....

Pride

Miss Christy and Tranny-bush

Soooo proud of myself, all gone in 3 hours

This is what my parents brought me back from their "Wild and Crazy" cruise...did someone say duty free shop??

Look at the center of this pic...fucking Mormons are back, with their books and their shirts...I'm gonna fuck me a Mormon one day...and then steal his little book and shirt...who's gonna be smiling then?

My mother is a Jamaican whore and other stories from the weekend...

2006-06-19T09:13:00.000-05:00

- This is what I feel like: A 'lil sassy, A 'lil drunk....

- PRIDE...Who cares, I drank, I told a friend of a friend that his current boyfriend used to "Relish giving me head"...in front of the current boyfriend, I fucked a rich Englishman...In the Ritz...And he sent me cologne this week as a "thank-you" (I am guessing) present. Wow, I just re-read this sentence and feel like a giant whore.

- Went to my parent's place in the country this past weekend, Father's day, My mother's b-day ect. Made it a booze filled loverly weekend of familial bliss. Did nothing but ride horses and watch BBCAmerica. My parent's just got back from a cruise around the Virgin Islands, and my mother wanted to tell me all about her time in "The third world" as she refers to the Caribbean...

- Port One: "Some random dirty island or cay or whatever", this is where my father stepped on a starfish and thought it was a shark. The local people were A)Dirty, B) All on drugs (my parents think everyone is on drugs). She bought a really whorish, Brooklynish gold necklace there, It was dirt cheap.

- Port Two: "Jamaica", My parents HATE Jamaica, yet they go there at least 3 times a year. My mid-life crisis mother always thinks she is going to be sold into sexual slavery and my father has yet to grasp the fact that cannabis is semi legal on the island. So anyway, my two middle aged parents decided to grab a local cab (which is a major no-no) for some "cultural flava" as my mom put it. The driver told my mother that she looked like Princess Diana (which she does) and proceeded to ask my father how much it was to have my mother blow him. Apparently my father looks like a pimp and the cab driver wanted to be blown by a dead princess. They switch cabs. After slumming around the ghetto (which is basically the whole island as my mother says) my dad decides to take in the local epicurean delight known as jerk chicken. He got this meal on their way to a really tame white water rafting trip (on a really dirty river, I am surprised there weren't any bodies floating in it, says Mama). Well apparently my father had not even gotten to the river before he needed to shit. He shat, and they proceeded on to the "Brown water rafting" check in. All was well, they rafted, acted like general retards I am sure...Until my father had stomach problems. He needed to "Go potty in the river" as my 51 year old mother explained to me, her 24 year old son. Well long story short, my father shat in a river in Jamaica...Off of a raft...Which is highly illegal...In front of other middle aged people...And got fined. Dad paid the fine and was allowed off the island and back on the boat. Jamaica is now referred to as "That island where your father went potty in the river and got a ticket" by my mother.

Port Four-Six: Who the fuck cares, "Piss-Poor islands full of Dirty locals and fat Dutch people" - My Father

- Port Seven: "Cozumel, Mexico" - This is the port of call where my mother, who is 51 (which is basically elderly) entered a "Very tasteful" wet t-shirt contest with a bunch of 18 year olds....And won that shit. So my parents, they love them some Mexico. Mexico this, Mexico that, I swear if they were to have another child they would name it Mexico (Mexica if it was a girl of course). My father lived in Mexico city for a year when he was with the C.I.A. and totally thinks he Latino, which is hilarious since he looks like John Travolta with a paunch. So they went to Cozumel and LOVED IT. I love Cozumel ("Everyone speaks English, they take U.S. currency and the jail the homeless" - Mother). While in Cozumel, my mother, had to be on meth or some other strong narcotic substance, because she let my father and some recent high school graduates talk her into participating in a wet t-shirt contest. They were at Senor Frog's, which my mother loves "because they play Sheryl Crow", and the bar was trying to recruit women for this titty-fest. Now let me preface one thing, my parents rarely drink, but when they do, they are TOTAL AND ABSOLUTE FUCKING RETARDS. So my father had drank 2 beers and was apparently "Balls to the wall" as he put it, which I have yet to comprehend and my mother had some "rum punch" aka she had just finished freebasing some crack. He nominated my mother for the contest, thinking she would win since the bar was full of A) high schoolers who would vote ironically for her and B) middle aged dirty men from their ship that want a piece of her punanny. So my mother did it (which I am quite proud of her for doing) and bitch WON (she said she kept her bra on, but she has had a few "Elective surgeries" aka titty remodeling, so I am guessing she was whoring it up). She won a $50 bar tab for Senor Frogs which she used to buy all the high schoolers drinks. She said that it was her "Oprah moment, the moment when I said to myself that I am a woman, look at me, this is what 50 looks like". I think my mom is smoking crack. Supposedly my father has pictures of this contest, I want them, for blackmailing purposes of course, but I think my eyes will fall out if it saw them.

- yes, these are my parents...The reason why I exist. I think it is kind of cool that they are all middle aged and acting like teens. They earned it, those lucky bitches.

- Oh btw, I am moving to London, and whis is who I am marrying....His name is Alex Pierre...how gay.

(He is holding our baby Kiki, ChaCha is with the nanny apparently)

And this is his sassy online journal (he says blogs are for whores)

http://www.alexpierre-traves.co.uk/

METRO WEEKLY WATCH!!!! : DAS PRIDE REMIXE!!!

2006-06-09T11:59:00.000-05:00

- I am not gonna bore you with my activities for the upcoming week, I know you bitches came here for the pics. If you happen to see me on the street, please buy me a drink, and then put me in a cab home. Without further ramblings, I present, METRO WEEKLY WATCH

- We love you Miss Chi Chi Rodriguez!!!

- Father Time in drag.

- Uh Oh....Hide your wallet, hahha. I have a feeling we'll be seeing these two again.

- Scarf? ok, Rosary Beads? ummm, Both? Sacrilegious and Sassy. I bet I know who is going to be managing the Bloomingdales in Hell.

- Eddie Money has a clothing line now?

- Dyke-zilla

- "Hi Shirley, (one, two, spin) Hey Ramone!! (keep smiling) I know, me, a majorette? Leading the parade? Nutty, I know".

"This dance is for Jesus!!!!"

- GAYEST LIGHTNING ROD EVER

- "This aint THE PRICE IS RIGHT bitch, get yo ass off of my car"

- Oh no white boy didn't

- Things just got weird

- "She's my fat, scantily dressed friend". "No mine". "Mine". "Boys, boys, calm down, there is enough Tori to go around".

- REPEAT OFFENDER!!!

- Who knew Colonel Sanders eats the weenie?"

- Desperate House-Trannies

- Why haven't queers received the same rights and privileges as hets? THESE TWO MEN!!!

- Someone remembered their glasses...but forgot their helmet.

- REPEAT OFFENDER!!! (sandwiched in between the two scariest looking people ever)

- Mom, please get off the car, yes grab your trumpet too, people are starting to look. (This lady actually runs for the mayor of DC every election, I kid you not)

- Leather, the fabric of "some" of our lives

- Light socket, meet finger...Too bad the shock didn't kill these two messy Bessies.

- And I am spent. It's off to pick up my Englishman for some fun, then it is all going down hill after that. See ya on the streetcurb

It's already been Broughten!!!

2006-06-08T21:14:00.000-05:00

- Bitches..Girls...I am wasted, I have been looking at all of the past pride pics, plus this weeks metro weekly, plus Black pride. I have decided to do a very special METRO WEEKLY WATCH, that I will only post pics of people I know. It's social suicide, but let me check my "Give a damn " meter...that's right, I don't.

Holy shit that was a strong drink...

2006-06-07T11:22:00.000-05:00

- Yeah so I have been out for a while, let's play catch-up shall we chil'rens....

- Old roommate is out, I now live alone. The thing is, I had to call the loverly DC metro police officers to escort her, and her "Thug life" boyfriend and his 4 children out of my apartment. It's always refreshing to be sitting in your bedroom, watching "So You Think You Can Dance" and hearing "Thug-life" saying that he wants to "Kill that faggot ass punk". Yeah so in all actuality, the cops came twice, in one week, I felt all Maury Povitch. Once to get them out of the apartment because my roommate said the only way she was going to leave is if "The mutha fuckin cops" dragged her out. Well, being the sassy Sally that I am, I called the cops, and told them that she was not going to leave my apartment until "The mutha fuckin cops" dragged her out. It was great. And I totally was all up in my roommates face because she thought that when you get kicked out of an apartment, that means you can take whatever you want. Like the microwave, toaster, coffee maker. Bitch must be smoking crack. I made the cop retrieve all of MY major kitchen appliances that she had shoved into her "moving garbage bag". Then I saw that she had taken all the toilet paper, paper towels, spices, cleaning supplies and silverware. I was not having it. Bitch also tried to steal 2 of my bags of salad, and my frozen chicken breast. She is such a whore, I am totally gonna get her fired from her job too, because (super secret, don't tell anyone) she let's one of her students smoke pot. Hell hath no fury like a fag whose roommate stole his Hidden Valley Fat Free Ranch Dressing. Is it wrong that with this new single-ness all I do is dance around naked to the song from the Old Navy commercial (that I downloaded) and masturbate?

- I am once again student teaching this summer at Maryland. I am teaching "Intro to American Government" also known as the class that immigrants and retards take to pass their citizenship test. IT SUCKS BALLS. The class is 2 hours long, Monday-Thursday. And since most of the students are too retarded to read their textbooks, I have resorted to showing tivo'd episodes of "The West Wing". Bitches got all confused when I was trying to explain our bicameral legislative branch and our three branches of government. This one little Asian girl (Who I call Ping) was on the verge of tears, because I yelled at her when she said that "If we have a bicameral legislative branch and 3 branches of government, then we must have 5 branches of government". Those Asians...Always doing math. Then I asked the class "Can anyone name the three branches of government" and this crazy white trash-fuck your cousin-I think girls in nascar shirts are sexy, called out (he didn't raise his hand, I am totally taking points off for that) George Bush, Dick Chaney (he giggled when he said dick), and Condeleezza Rice. I almost cussed him out and sprayed him with mace. But on the upside, Today's student is Tomorrow's mechanic.

- My friend from London is coming into town this weekend for a visit. This weekend is also PRIDE.

PRIDE + ENGLISH MAN = STICKY HAIR AND DISLOCATED HIP

- Off like a virgin's panties on prom night...

2006-05-26T13:46:00.000-05:00

- Well, my bags are packed and I am off to the countryside for a lil bit with Miss Christy to visit some friends and take in some fresh air. Don't forget this weekend, On Memorial Day, that "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is still happening, and hurting thousands of Americans and their families. This law EFEECTS US ALL!!! Please, if you can, follow this link and learn how you can sign your name in opposition of DADT. Have a safe weekend guys!!! Se ya on the flip-side.

http://www.sldn.org

Hot (and tall) mess...

2006-05-25T05:35:00.000-05:00

- Quick recap of yesterday... Lunch date with French diplomat, Got wasted at 1pm. Had chugging contest with said diplomat involving a $75 bottle of red wine. Went to Ben's place, commiserated about being young and hot. Went to kickball game. Was the gayest cheerleader ever, Declared myself "Jesus" at my kickball game and called an opposing player's mother a "Slut-assed-kitten fucker". Went to Tom Tom's, Played flipcup, FELL ON THE GROUND!!! I was so drunk Ben had to put me in a cab. Oh yeah, I also BROKE MY TOE!!!!! (Not really, but it feels that way). I now have a fucked up finger and a fucked up toe. Loverly. I was so drunk (and in so much pain) last night when I came home, I tried to duct-tape an icecube to my foot. My sheets are all fucking wet and I have about 20 yards of industrial tape covering my foot. So, Now, It comes to this...Me, sitting here, naked from the waist down, wearing my kickball shirt, eating Wheat Thins, giving you a METRO WEEKLY WATCH!!! (Super drunk 7am edition).

- Crouching Twinks / Hidden Homo

- OH NO!!!

- OH YES!!!!

- Does she realize she has an ass parked on her chest??

- (Guy on left to guy on right) Wow, that sideways hat takes off 20 years. (Guy on right) So that would make me...umm...40. (Cries silently in the rest room)

- (Internal monologue) REMEMBER MY NAME, FAME!!! I'M GONNA LIVE FOREVER, FAME!!! I'M GONNA LEARN HOW TO FLY!!!

- Crappy Haircut?? Crappy Haircut?? Yes, Hi, Your table is ready.

- How did this pic not make it into the mainstream media feed?? Or into my heart?

- (Singer) You are toxic, I am slipping under... (Pianist) I think I am having a heart attack.

- "We wipe our arses with $100 bills, then have casual, anonymous sex with migrant workers to stay grounded".

- JANET RENO!!! Someone is not letting Parkinson's get in her way of making out HARDCORE!!!

- Is it still ironic if they are ugly??

- My humps. My lovely lady lumps.

Legendary...

2006-05-23T15:08:00.000-05:00

- Mizz O did it again. As you know from my previous post, I was all up in the Legend's Ball last night. I had my 5th of Stoli and some pre-made crystal light on my side table and girl, I was singing along with the gospel hour of Jesusness at the end and found myself greeting her guests (talking to my T.V. of course) as they arrived. "Oh hey Diana Ross, Gurl your hair is all hot mess with a beret of autism". "Hey Janet, I hope you not gonna pop yo tit-tay out during the soup course of O's meal, She'll sic Gale on yo ass". It made me want to be a black woman soooo bad. As much as I wish, I know it will never come true, I will never be one of Oprah's "Legends". The closest chance I have in attending this shin-dig is fucking Colin Cowie. But Miss O looked fierce, Like one of those $3 Black and White cookies you get in Starbucks...

- But C'mon O, Dionne Warwick??? A Legend?? If you possess psychic abilities, do you automatically get to be a "Legend"?

- Of course Mizz Banks was there with Kabuki make-up and portly sobbing mother in tow.

- But the best part by far was when Oprah gave out "Little parting gifts" to her guests (Huge fucking diamonds) and someone off camera asked, "Are these real gurl?". Wonder who could have said that??? We're looking at you Peaches from "Peaches and Herb" fame. You know that bitch pawned that shit.

- Unfortunately, some legends were snubbed, I would just like to recognize two of them. LaQuizno James and Precious Washington. It is because of these two women that "Fat Ho Porn" was forced to integrate, and we all know that white "Fat Ho's" and their producers were notoriously racist. Kudos LaQuizno and Precious, America thanks you.

OPRAH SOLVES EVERYTHING!!!!

2006-05-22T16:52:00.000-05:00

Mom: What are you doing tonight?

Me: getting drunk and watching Oprah's Legend Ball.

Mom: What?

Me: It was supposed to be last week but the fucking presidents tirade against Mexicans bumped it to this week.

Mom: What's the Legends Ball?

Me: Are you serious??!!!?? Only the finest gathering of the sassiest, strong black women all on Oprah's luxurious ranch. They eat crazy food, Oprah cries, Chaka Khan cries, John Travolta acts like a crack baby, and I magically transport myself there in my brain.

Mom: John Travolta??? How many drinks have you had so far.

Me: 2

Mom: Cornelius Brannon!!! It's 4 in the afternoon.

Me: Whatever, it's summer, I went tanning, met a friend for lunch and started getting sauced.

Mom: Did you use the money that your father and I gave you to buy your alcohol.

Me: Yeah

Mom: Incredible!! That money is for groceries and summer clothes.

Me: Whatever, I have enough clothes, I really don't want to get in a bad mood before Oprah comes on, I feel she can sense my sadness through the T.V.

Mom: Cornelius...

Me: Gotta go, Love you, I hope Taylor Hicks bites the weenie on Wednesday.

Mom: Don't talk about Taylor like that, regardless, your father and I will still support him even if he loses to Katherine.

Me: Sad, Sad woman, you need Oprah in your life.

METRO WEEKLY WATCH!!!! : DAS REMIXE!!

2006-05-21T13:39:00.000-05:00

- Yeah so I suck at life and haven't done METRO WEEKLY WATCH!!!! for two weeks, that's because I was too busy having sex with Jesus and studying for finals. But as anact of supplication, I have an extra special MWW for all you lil sluts and aspiring sluts out there. These pics are from "Some Gay Soldier Reunion", "Some Gay and Lezzie Super Hero Award Ceremony", and "The Shirtless Construction worker / Softball Coach Dance-off Sock Hop EXTREME!!!"

- Guy on Left: I hope my wife doesn't see this.
Guy on Right: MUSTACHE RIDES!!!! $5!!!! SIT AND SPIN!!! I WANNA EAT MY WAY TO YOUR HEART!!!

- Mom from "Six Feet Under" + Glamor Shots at the mall + Jazzy duvet cover jacket = This lady

- "Earmuffdivers"

- (Contents of cup on left) Wishful Thinking Martini.
(Contents of cup on right) Crack rocks...and hair dye.

- "So I was like, Sally, I'ma gonna get me a gun, not just any gun, but the fiercest gun anyone has ever seen, then, then Sally, I'ma gonna shoot that mutha fucka and let out a load of anger so big, so big, bitches gonna need a swiffer to clean up all the mess, that's what i'ma gonna do Sally. Boom, all over his face".

- "Where's Waldo??? He's giving handjobs and wearing crappy shirts".

- (Left to right, clockwise, starting at 12) Sally, Chompers, Midget Nichole Ritchie, Touch of Downs

- John always wondered what it would be like to make sweet love to Bernie, the sub-contractor on his kitchen renovation. He soon found out it was sweet...sweet like Bernie's mustache.

- ET: PHONE HOME!!!!
Rachael Ray: EVOO!!!!!!!

Love it like you mean it

2006-05-21T03:42:00.000-05:00

- I just told The Congressman that I could not type as fast as he wants...because my french cuffs and the cufflinks my ex "bought on a busines trip to Paris" get in the way...He thought they were fierce, I thought they were Vuitton...Come to find out, my ex bought me a pair of Mexican knock-off cuff links...I love them, But hate him like Nair on a Titan's regular member's chest.

-Even though I am 24, I had a wet dream last night, it involved 2 jugs of wine and a Pop Idol bottoming, and Oprah interviewing us...Don't ask

- I will fill readers in shortly.

The Woodster

2006-05-16T12:04:00.000-05:00

- So this morning, I get up, throw up all the wine that I drank last night, pulled on some shorts, wiped the sleep out of my eyes, and ran into Woody Harrelson. The "Woodster" is taping a film in front of my building and they got the whole street shut down. Apparently he is "playing" a gay male escort, which is hot. Also saw Kristin Scott Thomas. Bitch was working a Dianne VonFurstenburg wrap dress and some 5 inch stilettos. I watched for over an hour as they taped her walking up and down some steps. SOOO GLAMOUROUS!!!! Here are some pics...

Los Siento...

2006-05-15T22:02:00.000-05:00

- i am sooo drunk, but i promise that iwill post later today!! (super excited) But this is my first cragslist missed connection (that doesn't involve the bathrrom at JR's) but aany way I love you and i have 2 magnums of moet in my body...

http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/mis/161054078.html

METRO WEEKLY WATCH!!!!

2006-05-05T10:25:00.000-05:00

- Well this week's installment is from YOUTH PRIDE, as you know Youth Pride is a celebration of everything we jaded queens wish we had, gleeful innocence, a size 24 waist, and a hairless crotch. Miss Christy and I headed over to the P Street Beach and armed with a nalgene full of vodka and icecubes and the gayest blanket ever, we sat out to soak up the sun and the gayness that surrounded us. While Miss Christy painted her toes and fingers, I proceeded to get tore up and give people the finger. I mean, I am all about being young and gay, hell I am 24, but some of these crazy bitches were nutz. I don't blame them for letting their freak flags fly thought, I was once a retard too. So these pictures are extra special because I saw these people in person. These aren't figments of my alcohol poisoned mind, they really exist. Soooo here we go....

- Some one call Mizz Tyra Banks 'cause Miss Christy and I called the girl (?) on the left "America's Next Top Model". All bitch did was stalk the grassy slopes and look fierce. Gurl was turning it O.U.T. But the real question is, does her grandmother know that she is wearing her toilet seat cover as a hat??

- This mo scuurrrred me. Not only was he wearing "Fairy Wings" but bitch was part of a group. Miss Christy and I really didn't get the whole "running around barefoot with a sari wrapped around my bits and blessing people with my wand / dirty stick I found on the street curb". We were literally sitting at this kid's feet when this photo was taken...He hurted my eyeballs.

- These are who I want my kids to aspire to be. BITCHES WERE FIERCE!!! P Street Beach was turned into the runways of Milan with this group who re-enacted "Paris is Burning". It was "walk, walk, walk, pause, show your purse, cut a bitch, turn, I own you, I own you, walk, walk, walk". The one in the gold jacket on the lower right hand side CUT/SLICED bitches like she was a hot knife and we were butter. The best part of her lil ensemble was the CHANEL MUTHA FUCKIN KILT she was rocking. Fire, pure fire.

p.s. Was anyone else there?? If you weren't, you missed the best "Deaf girl dancer" ever!!! bitch was rolling on the ground and still signing the shit out of Cher's remixes. Luhrved it.

p.p.s. Happy Birthday COOL SARAH, and happy tequila day!!!

Raise your hand...

2006-05-02T20:37:00.000-05:00

- Raise your hand if you decided to wear your "Totally slutty Ginch Gonch Fire Truck" underwear to class today...

- Raise your hand if you were in a hurry while running to your internship and decided to throw your suit on and not check your fly (it was down)...

- Raise your hand if you also accidently tucked the back of your oxford into your underwear and decided to not wear your blazer "Because it's sooo nice outside"...

- Raise your hand if NO ONE in your office decided to sack up and tell you that they could see your really gay underwear...

- Raise your hand if an un-named (and totally gay) Chief of Staff of a prominent Senator alerted you to your underwear "no-no" while at a reception (and then asked you if you were on Friendster)...

- Raise your hand if you feel like a giant whore...

- Raise your hand if you went out to drinks tonight with aforementioned Chief of Staff...

I am so gay...

2006-05-02T01:13:00.000-05:00

- How gay is Cornelius??? Here's a video of CHARO...

I am that gay. Gayer than a streetcurb on 17th.

p.s. Why did that woman eating steamed shrimp on the metro decide to sit next to me...and not give me a skrimp. Fucking whore.

Animal Watch, OUT / Metro Weekly Watch, IN

2006-04-27T10:10:00.000-05:00

- As some of my loyal readers from way back in the day remember, every Thursday I would do a piece called "Animal Watch". It was basically a biting social commentary on the "Animal Police Blotter" that the Washington Post did every Thursday. Well since I can no longer steal my neighbor's WaPo because he has threatened me with bodily harm, I have decided to do "METRO WEEKLY WATCH". Depending on how many bumps of meth you have snorted off of an erect penis in Cobalt's bathroom, having your pic in Metro Weekly is either "Fucking Sweet Gurl" or "Oh shit, my life is over". I fall into the latter category. The day you see my face in metro weekly is the day I commit hari-kari with my Williams-Sonoma breadknife (with natural walnut handle). So without further ramblings, I present METRO WEEKLY WATCH!!!

(These pictures were taken at Cherry, which I am guessing is a really gay farmer's market)

- Presenting the "GAYEST GAYS EVER"

- (This guy's internal monologue) "Flags make me sexy, These flags are so sexy, Flags make me sexy, I just wish I didn't eat my emotions".

- "Tristan opted for a tasteful metallic silver mesh veil for his 17th street commitment ceremony to Ryan, a man he met 25 minutes earlier at an all night orgy held in the basement of a local middle school. The groom also chose to accessorize with a silver Universal Gear nut sling. The co-groom wore a syringe in his arm and raved danced down the isle to a "Totally Snotty" remix of Sweet Dreams by the Eurythmics. The couple is registered at Velvet.

I just finished crying...

2006-04-24T14:36:00.000-05:00

- Not to be Debbie Downer, but about a week ago, one of my old professors asked me if I would come and speak to her Sociology of Gender class today about the relationship between politics and the queer community. I was flattered and accepted. What I didn't know was that today, some of her students were going to be presenting their group projects on the causes and consequence of gender. After I gave my little speech about queer rights (or the lack of) and how the left tends to influence media while the right, in this current administration, tends to influence (and control) the political system, she called a group up to present their project. How appropriate that their topic was popular culture and gender. The project was great, good powerpoint, excellent research, and an honest presentation of the dilemma that many sexual minorities and women face every day. What I was not prepared for was the ending of their project. They decided to play "Dear Mr. President" by PINK. Now I had heard about this song and how great, super-fantastic blah blah blah it was, but I had never heard it or seen the video of it before. Well lets just say, that PINK's honesty, combined with the lyrics and just thinking about the message behind the song had me crying like a little baby. Momma was sobbing like a mo-fo. The crying became contagious and by the end of the video, 75% of the class was misty eyed. It just makes me realize that as easily as these students (myself included) were touched by this song, we still have a long way to go. I can only hope that people who see this video are touched as much as I was and decide to stand up against inequality, not only in queer related issue, but in all facets of life and try to let the current administration and the country that we are all people, not political buzz clips to be used to unite one day and divide the next. Just something to chew on...Damn I am such a baby.

- Here's the video:

Weekend recap...

2006-04-24T11:52:00.000-05:00

- Friday: Party at International Student House (above) in DuPont for my loverly English intern, Ele. Ohhh lordy lordy. Coco drank a jug of wine before leaving, braved the metro, drank 3 gasoline strength V&T's then half a milk jug of sangria (made by actual, real live Spaniards!!) I met a bunch of great people and it makes me want to get the spork out of DC ASAP. Now some people might have no idea that there is a GIANT dorm full of international students right on the edge of 17th street. This place is better than Jesus. I am totally partying there from now on. Hot Dutch guys, strong drinks, conversations about "Little Britain". I was in heaven. After the party, 2 of my co-workers and a friend from London stumbled over to Fox and Hounds. LORDY LORDY. I was a hot mess. Not only did I get totally molested by a random gay boy in front of said co-workers, but I held a conversation with an Irish man in Korean. I was like an alcoholic mobile UN. After Fox and Hounds, I managed to crawl home and into my comfy bed.

- Saturday: Went to look at a few apartments in the AdMo area (still drunk) and was SORELY disappointed. One room was, no lie, 6 feet by 8 feet. The former tenant told me it "used to be a closet but the landlord wanted to make some extra money so he put a light fixture in it and decided to call it a bedroom". The clincher is, the landlord wanted to rent it out for $800 a month!!! I was like fuck that, peace out crazy. After the apartment let-down, I headed over to Ben's and proceeded to get drunk with him, mind you, this is all before noon. So we get tipsy, and I start home. Who do I run into, MY EX, the jailbird lobbyist. Not only do I do the morally right thing and not kick towards his testicles, or take a dump on his Benz. But I totally forgave him. I mean, I was the best thing going for him, he's practically elderly, I actually liked him, and he fucked me over, I offered him absolution, I win, he loses.

- Sunday: Looked at another apartment in "AdMo" which was actually located in Shaw. These retards are trying to say that "Howard University Adjacent" is AdMo, bitches please. The closest thing to Adams Morgan that the neighborhood had was the homeless man named Adam drinking a bottle of Capt. Morgan on the stoop of the building. Needless to say, walked down Columbia and ran into a guy I used to fuck, Damn he looks like shite. Unintentionally ducked into the ATM booth and took out money I shouldn't had just to avoid talking to him. If that wasn't the baby vomit on my diarrhea cake, as I was walking into Starbucks, who do I see, the EX from the day before. and get this...He was wearing BUGLE BOY JEANS!!!! hahahahaha. I almost shat myself. So I called him out, stole the metro section from his Washington Post, took 2 of his ciggs and totally flicked him the bird and walked away. Oh it was a very Chaka Khan "I'm Every Woman" moment. But I wonder if this negates my "high road" approach from the day before. Oh well, It's all in meeeeee.

- I am officially broke this week because my parents went on vay-cay and forgot to send me my allowance check, so if anyone wants to take me out for a drink, or come over and share a jug of wine (your treat of course) I will let you hit my roommate with a wiffle ball bat while she sleeps.

Room-mate-ing Rituals

2006-04-21T14:06:00.000-05:00

- I knew it was going to be a fabulous day when I stepped onto the platform at the foggy bottom metro station and saw a midget, wearing a black leather blaze, with his full sized girlfriend. Jesus was like, "God Bless you Cornelius, here's hoping you have a splendid day". Besides the sight on the platform, when I get home from class, I have an email from a potential roommate asking me to tell her a little more about myself. Well this was interesting, apparently I am not applying for a room in her "Spacious Adams Morgan Rowhouse", but rather for a date. She sent me a fucking questionnaire with random questions and I filled it out and sent it off. Below are her questions, my "I would be a great roommate" bullshit answers I sent to her / what my real answers are that I didn't send to her (hoe would think I am crazy). Doesn't this bitch know that everyone she sent this out to is going to lie to look good. Oh well...

LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO: "Touch the Sky" - Kanye West / "Sweet Sixteen" - Hillary Duff

UNIQUE FACT ABOUT YOURSELF: I was born on a farm that has been in my family for over 200 years / I have eaten a dove

GREATEST ACCOMPLISHMENT: Seeing my niece being born / Getting a blowjob on the metro...During rush hour

JOB: Full time student and part time hill intern / Professional masturbator and George Foreman grill operator

PRIZED POSSESSION: Laptop / my crotch tattoo

WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO VISIT YOU HERE: My friend Christy / My friend Christy, and we will probably be drinking, and that means we will most likely be somewhat naked, but not sexually, we just are close friends like that, nothing to freak out about.

LAST CONCERT SEEN: The Go! Team / Homeless man singing Kelly Clarkson at the metro station

FAVORITE MEAL TO MAKE: Tandori Chicken Salad / Coffee and a lit cigg

FAVORITE PLACE IN DC: Embassy Row / The alley behind Cobalt

Here's hoping that she likes me!

The real reason I skip class...

2006-04-21T08:58:00.000-05:00

(Recent phone conversation with Alex, a girl in my Stat class study group)

"Ring Ring Ring"
Me: Herrrooo?
Alex: Where have you been??
Me: Hu?
Alex: You missed the study group, for the exam last Friday.
Me: Oh shit, Um, I was in New York
Alex: Why, what were you up to, besides skipping class.
Me: Business
Alex: Oh (laughter) just what type of "Business" were you up to?
Me: Ummm, It's complicated.
Alex: What, Why is it complicated, are you a drug dealer or something (laughter)
Me: I am an gay adult film star, I fly to New York every other weekend to work.
Alex: (audible silence) Umm, ok. Are you fucking with me?
Me: No not really, but I feel bad not coming to the study group so I thought you should know that I wasn't blowing you off.
Alex: oh ok
Me: Yeah, I mean I am not ashamed, but it's something that alot of people, especially people in school know about.
Alex: Oh...it's, it's fine.
Me: Yeah, I mean i kind of got into it to put me through school.
Alex: uhhh ok
Me: So what did I miss from the study group? Did we go over Hypergeometric factorials?

- I am such a bad person

Another story from my youth...

2006-04-20T20:17:00.000-05:00

- So I am thinking that I am going to turn this blog into some type of cathartic journal and divulge fucked up stories of my youth that have shaped me into the sassy, sex machine / honor student that Cornelius is today. I was actually surprised at the amount of responses from my last story, so here is another one. If you feel sorry for me, please remember that I am a regular at JR's on 17th Street and would appreciate any free beverages (V&T) in return for these classic yarns I spin on this blog.

- So as the majority of the readers of this blog are gay men or sassy female friends of gay men, we have all gone through our youth and teen and even early twenties (because I have no friends over 29) wondering who we are. We try on different roles as we grow. One day we are a jock, the next a prep, and every Saturday we turn into club sluts that on Monday will have to explain the multiple hickies we received from a Mexican guy named Taco who lives with his invalid Aunt (don't ask). So as a young man, I embraced the different roles that I explored and relished "make-believing" that I was something other than whom I really was. Growing up on a farm with no neighbors for mile and only my two brothers to spend my free time with, I naturally became addicted to TV. The thing is, my parents are education nuts and would not let me watch anything on TV besides news and public broadcasting. That's right bitches, I was a die hard channel 22, 26, and 32 fan. I loved Marty Stouffer's WILD AMERICA (even though he baited animals into attacking each other in front of the cameras), but I LIVED for the BBC, or BritComs as they are commonly known in certain anglophile circles. So Britcoms, what they were (at least on public broadcasting) were British shows from the late 70's and early 80's that made no sense to normal Americans, but to sassy little gay boys...They were scripture. From the time I was 13 until 18, I was all about "Are You Being Served", "Keeping Up Appearances", and "To The Manor Born". Bitches, I had that shit on lockdown. So naturally watching these shows for 40 hours a week coupled with my 5 year identity crisis naturally made me feel that I could pull of an English accent in Southern Maryland. Oh Madge had nothing on my ass, I would do different dialects, a Leeds one inspired by Mr. Humphries, Brixton one courtesy of Ms. Brahms, and my favorite, a posh Cumbrian accent for my baby's momma, Mrs. Audrey FForbes-Hamilton. So on my daily outings to school, the market, soccer practice, I would employ my English accent. People were not amused. Nay-Nay fucking beat the shit out of me whenever she would look over my homework and I had put an extra "U" in my words. Life was great, I would drink tea, insist on reading English magazines and generally be a giant fag, much to the dismay of my family. But unlike the whole "I am a witch" phase, this English obsession has not faded. As any of my friends can tell you, I am all about England. I currently am watching "Little Britain" and have just finished a ham, cheese and HP sauce sandwich. But I choose not to use the accent anymore...Unless I am trying to score free drinks, or get laid, or fuck with tourists, or harass my intern. But besides that, I am totally normal.
Cheers,
Sir Cornelius of Foggy Bottom

p.s. OHHH gurl, there is hateration up in my Foggy Bottom danceria. My roommate's boyfriend (who is a 30 year old lawyer that thinks he's all thug life) threatened to beat me up and "cut me". So needless to say, I will be pissing in her face wash and looking for a new apartment, if anyone knows of anything in the Adams Morgan or Dupont area...Drop me a line.

NYC

2006-04-13T23:49:00.000-05:00

- There is something about riding a $40 bus to NYC and having a $200 meal at Pastis with my baby's momma, my ex and his agent to forbode a great weekend. Off to the NYC for the weekend, have a great holiday bitches.

Los Siento...

2006-04-12T21:45:00.000-05:00

- So I have been M.I.A. Between securing an extended visa for London next year, my b-day, and classes, I really haven't had that much free time to update this thing. So as an apology to y'all, my faithful readers, I decided to pony up with a tragically nutzo story from my youth in hopes of winning a place back in your hearts, and perhaps loins...

- It was 1996, I was in the 6th grade and still believed in the mildly retarded optimism of my youth. I saw a movie with my cousin called "The Craft". Now I don't know if you have seen it but the premise is, 4 girls in high school are actual witches, they use their dark arts to act out revenge on their enemies and they have a tendency to walk in slow motion through their high school's hallways to really cool, slightly dark music. So anyway, I see this movie and honestly believe that I am a witch also. I mean, cats love me, I had a lot of black clothes (because I was a svelte 350 lbs back then) and totally wanted to enlist Satan to help me make Kelly Gray's (who was a total bitch to me) hair fall out. So the next weekend, I begged my nanny Nay-Nay to take me to the public library so I could check out some books on witchcraft. Me being the nerd that I was, I was all about researching this shit fully before committing to my first spell. Well apparently my public library only had one book on witch-craft, and Nay-Nay (who was an ordained AME Pastor) was not about to let me check out this book of sin. So naturally, I stuffed it down my JNCO's and took it home. Oh how I loved that book, from "Love Spells" (which did not work on my crush David Canning) to its "Red Burn" spell (which may or may have not caused Patrick Hagner to get hit in the eye with a softball during gym class) I memorized that shit. Not only did I memorize that shit, but I also immersed myself in the whole witch-craft life. I was sneaking out at night to go to the slave graveyard in the corner of our farm to light fires and burn people's school pictures. I was purposely leaving food outside of my window at night to attract stray cats from the horse barns so that they would do my bidding. I WAS FUCKING NUTS. No wonder I couldn't find anyone to join my coven (even though I did make up a flyer and put it up in my school's cafeteria). So a few weeks progressed and my family began to catch on. Nay-Nay had found some burnt pictures of my classmates in an old Chivas Regal box that I kept under my bed and basically told my parents I was possessed by the devil. I wish!!!! My spells would have kicked ass then. So my parents, being the open minded people they were, told me that I was to attend service at Nay-Nay's church for the next few weeks until Nay-Nay was sure that I was not going to drain her blood from her plump body while she slept. Well lets just say that those months planted a seed that grew into my current obsession with militant black people...And soul food. Whereas before all I wanted to do before was look for sprites and fairies in the fields outside of my house, now I was OBSESSED with making it to Nay-Nay's church to watch hefty black women with fierce hats faint. Nay-Nay's grand-daughter and I used to make bets on which woman would pass out first. It was then that I came to an epiphany, see all this time I was trying to invoke the wrong types of spirits, while these people were invoking the right type of spirits, and it seems that they were having much more success. So that is when I decided to turn my life over to Christ...I mean stop practicing witchcraft. So I lost a fuckload of weight, transferred schools and started fucking popular girls, that is why I was voted homecoming king. THE END

Hope you enjoyed the story, I have loads more.
Love,
Cornelius

Happy Burfday to me!

2006-04-03T11:37:00.000-05:00

- Yes chil'rens, It's my birthday. Another year older, and I have grown another inch, puberty be damned, I thought this shit was supposed to end when I was like 18 or something. But to recap this past weeks festivities...Went to Jr's to meet some friends, accidently took my remote control for the tele out instead of my cell phone, Had fun putting people on "mute" and turning them "on" and "off". I have the maturity of a 3 year old. Lost aforementioned remote, now I am doomed to watch TBS as it is the staion my tv is stuck on . Had my party here on Sat night. Gay, straight, bi, black, white, republican, democrat, all showed up for some serious drinking. Ended up drinking a whole bottle of Goldenschlager with Miss Christy and friends.

But today is a new day, I plan on spending it drinking this...

and eating some of these...

and hopefully not passing out in my Forensic evidence class.

"Twin'it to Win'it"

2006-03-31T19:12:00.000-05:00

I rock, You sock

"Cuss Out Tourist Month"

2006-03-31T18:02:00.000-05:00

The pic above may be of a cartoonish sort, but bitches do exist. So I am declaring APRIL as "CUSS OUT A TOURIST" month. I may have started early as evident from my previous post, but I used the words "Bitch", "Cunt", and " Wichita" 3 times today!!!! So If you are a native Washintonian, then cuss out the nearest fanny pack, "FBI" shirt wearing, "Me heart cherry blossom", standing on the left side of the metro escalator bitch you see...And tell them that the closest metro station to the White House is Navy Yard, on the green line.

Post all your tourist cuss-outs in my comment sections!

8th and Addiction...

2006-03-30T12:33:00.000-05:00

- Oh my God! It's worse than crack...If you haven't watched "8th and Ocean" then let me introduce you to my new BFF's!!!

NAME: Irene Marie
MY NICKNAME: Franken-Tranny/Guy Smiley
SHORT BIO: Traveled the world sucking in her cheeks
on some of the most fasionable runways. Turned 16,
realized she was yesterday's coat hanger. Gets off telling
pretty people they have bad skin and are too skinny.
FUCKABILITY: Not even with your dick.

NAME: Tracie
MY NICKNAME: "Boring"
SHORT BIO: Originally born a sloth, Missionaries in the
Amazon noticed how well she worked the tree branches.
They decided to slap some gloss on her lips, teach her basic
english and send her to Irene to model.
FUCKABILITY: Sloth vagina...no thanks

NAME: Vinci
MY NICKNAME: "Weren't you in my Fraternity" Guy
SHORT BIO: Born and raised in Ocean Township, NJ,
John had trouble getting the ladies. So he moves to Miami,
changes his name, takes on a F.O.B. accent and becomes a "Six figure model".
FUCKABILITY: Yes, only if I can call him "Papi John"

NAME: Teddy
MY NICKNAME: "Eyeball Twin"
SHORT BIO: Born Theodora to a trailer dwelling family in Des Moines.
Theodora knew she was pretty but never got that much work.
That was until she cut her hair, started injecting testosterone and
changed her name to Teddy. Now regarded as one of the "Prettiest"
male models in South Beach.
FUCKABILITY: Eww vagina

NAME: Sabrina
MY NICKNAME: "The Cunty One"
SHORT BIO: While in the womb, Sabrina smeared placenta all
over her twin's face, therefore causing the skin problems her
twin still suffers with today. Secretly enjoys doping her sister
up and selling her to Cubans for drugs.
FUCKABILITY: Hell this bitch would prolly fuck me

NAME: Sean
MY NICKNAME: "Smooth Operator"
SHORT BIO: Beatiful as a child, his parents forced him into
the cruel world of modeling as a way to justify them selling
their soul to satan for their son's perfect skin. Currently has
sex with everything in Miami, including some very feminine
looking art-deco buildings.
FUCKABILITY: Yes Please

NAME: Talesha
MY NICKNAME: "Eat a Sammich" girl
SHORT BIO: Sassy, Lovely, can see her heart beating through
her ribcage. What is not to love?
FUCKABILITY: I think I would break her, plus vagina...eww.

NAME: Britt
MY NICKNAME: Brooke Shields: Da Remixx
SHORT BIO: Spawn of the "Suddenly Susan" diva and a Bible.
Lil' Britt is the picture of chastity, too bad her daddy used to
touch her in her danger zone, hence her aversion to the male sex.
FUCKABILITY: Gimme 3 Corona's and a blindfold.

NAME: Adrian
MY NICKNAME: "Sally"
SHORT BIO: With shitty skin and a hairless body,
Sally was destined to be a male model. Secretly
gets off by looking into a mirror while masturbating.
FUCKABILITY: Eww Vagina...and nasty skin

NAME: Kelly
MY NICKNAME: "Noxema Jackson"
SHORT BIO: Because of her pre-birth abuse at the hands
of her sister, she has always played second fiddle. Is resigned
to becoming a trophy wife and picking up an addiction.
FUCKABILITY: Maybe if she got a facial the day before...SNAP!

NAME: Brianna
MY NICKNAME: "Sherpa"
SHORT BIO: Born on the windswept steppes of Mongolia,
she was spotted by Irene while shaving a Yak. Slightly "Downinsh"
due to her massive forehead, but makes up for it in wet kisses.
FUCKABILITY: What the hell...sure, but she has to wear a helmet.

The Ex, Rave Dancing, Cherry Blossom Tourists and other Stupid Things

2006-03-29T23:19:00.000-05:00

- So as some of you all may know, St. Cornelius day is coming up. Planning on getting wasted, getting laid (hopefully by a stranger) and wallowing in my gold-leaf birthday cake vomit. So if you see me out on Sunday night with a big ass goofy gold crown on my head, buy me a shot, touch my gentle berries, and wish me a happy St. Cornelius day.

- And on to my ex/dead/missing/in prison boyfriend. So as you all know, I had been dating a slightly older man (9 years younger than my parents). All was going great, it was all dinner at Zengo and fundraisers for diabetic retarded children of bisexual artists with the Von Opstrums. About three weeks ago I awoke in the morning got dressed and the boyfriend took me to brunch. I got the granola (umm, fiber), he got the scotch eggs. He dropped me off at my place and told me to give him a call later in the day so we could walk our dog. Yes my one love, the pup. So I give him a call around dusk so we could go to the dog park on 26th. No answer. It was no big deal, I headed off to the gym and gave him a ring when I got home. No answer again. 3 weeks and 5 unreturned phonecalls later, I believe that I am single by default. The audacity of some people. Honestly, you take me out for brunch, we kiss goodbye and then you go join the cast of LOST? As I mentioned in an earlier post, he was kind of in a little trouble with the government because of some financial largesse that he had taken in part of. Well a week after him going missing, I read a Washington Post article about his records being subpoenaed. Methinks he might be in prison, or at least that's what my ever chipper, slightly delusional, vicodin are breath mints ego wants to believe. Fuck him, I want my dog back.

- So on the theme of "Whoa, Cornelius should wear a helmet he is so stupid". I was talking with my good bud Ben the other day about the closing of a DC (mental) institution, NATIONS, or as I call it, GAYTIONS. I started going to that death-trap back when I was 16. It was BUZZ every Friday night. Then as I slowly realized that I was interested in bumping baby junk with other guys my age, I used to be a faithful attendee of VELVET. From the scabies filled foam parties with Miss Christy to really inappropriate behavior behind the DJ booth, It was my constant. A place where I could kick off the shackles of an upper-middle class suburban existence and get a blowjob by a Brazilian sailor while his girlfriend takes pictures. I feel that many of you readers share my sepia tinged feelings.
As I reminisced, I remember back to the day. Then I realized, holy shit I must have looked like a total tard back in the day. I used to dance with glow-sticks. I tried to rave dance. I fell off boxes. I got my car impounded one too many times for parking illegally. I told total strangers P.L.U.R. and felt love. And everyone out there can sympathize, whether it was NATIONS, BADLANDS, or whatever queer bar you first went to in your podunk town. The memories from your first same sex dance are burned in your gray matter like a cigg butt in a tranny's arm. I just hope that DC will get its act together and allow another club to open where all the little oversexed, under aged, whores for free vodka before 11pm, gay boys and their sassy girl friends and the creepy old DC politicos that prey on them can gyrate their glitter lotioned chests off. Kudos NATIONS!

- Last stupid observation of the day. Cherry blossom tourists + Metro = Me cussing out a Principal from the Mid-west. Listen asshole. I know you are in charge of 40 little shit-stains and you feel the need to cram every one of their fucking cystic acne filled faces on the same metro car. I understand that you are not used to "big city life" or underground horseless carriages, or even common sense. But please for the love of all that is holy, If you want to keep your pride intact in front of your students don't rush onto a car when the door first opens while people are trying to get off. You may think you are pretty smart by pushing the kids in front of you so no one will say shit to you, but you are dead wrong. As you witnessed today, an incredibly attractive gay man tired of helmet cases like you will tell you and your kids to "Back the fuck up cunts". Yes you heard it right when it first came out of my mouth and yes that was a slight applause you heard afterwards. Next time, stay above ground. All the sights in DC are walkable.

Quick recap...

2006-03-23T10:39:00.000-05:00

- Sorry I haven't posted for a while, but you bitches can suck my man-heat, I have been busier than a Planned Parenthood clinic the day after prom. So here's what the dealio is.

- I went home for my Grandfather's 80's b-day. It was a surprise party and he was wheeling my incredibly invalid great aunt into the clubroom and when we yelled surprise, my senile old aunt thought it was her b-day and started crying and thanking all of us. Tiddle bit awkward. My sassy gay uncle broke the news to her and she demanded to be wheeled out to the car, where she sat for the majority of the party...Alone...In freezing weather. God-bless crotchety old ladies that smell like menthol drops and gin.

- Saw The Go! Team at the Black Cat. This group/band/wetdream rocks my nuts hard. I first started listening to them when one of my interns from Leeds Uni in Britain gave me their cd. The are soooo the new Fannypack. Infectious beats, soaring samples, and a sassy frontlady named NINJA made me and all of the jaded 14th street dwelling pseudo-hipsters DANCE LIKE RETARDS. I swear I made up this new dance, it's called "Touch of the Downs". All you do is pretend you have a touch of the Downs syndrome. Presto, you rock. BEST CONCERT IN A LONG TIME. It is really a great feeling leaving a venue and feeling so fucking pumped. Ninja is the real deal, shaking her ass, pretending to be a slutty lolita cheer-leader, Here is what a dutch newspaper had to say about her..."As Fuzzy Felt letters slowly spell out their name, Ninja - probably the greatest frontwoman in the business - storms the stage and launches into "Panther Dash" with an infectious energy which never lets up until curfew. There's nothing she can't do: she sings, she breakdances, she plays recorder, she raps, and gets the audience chanting along like it's carnival time." Yes bitches, you read it right, GURL PLAYS THE RECORDER!!!! Download them now.

- Went out Sunday night with the guys to JR's. fucking packed tighter that a well you know. Got a lil tipsy, went to The Fastest Bartender in DC contest to cheer on a friend of a friend. Came home and passed out.

More cellophane noodle Mr. Larry???

2006-03-13T15:56:00.000-05:00

- First if anyone gets that quote, I loves ya

- Secondly, it is so damn sexy outside today I just can't contain myself. With temps in the high 70's comes polo shirts, flip-flops and sunglasses. Apparently these three things, worn by me, turns me into a movie star from Asia...This morning, on the metro, I was just chillaxin', listening to my ipod, and reading a book about London. My home stop, Foggy Bottom, is usually packed with tourists because of its close proximity to the Watergate, Kennedy Center, State Dept. ect. So I normally try to get on a "mostly locals" metro car so I don't have to put up with fanny pack wearing retards from Tulsa or wherever. Anyway, while on my "mostly locals" car, I see a group of 3 Asian schoolgirl tourists with their whisper mode in full gear. They were staring at moi. Was my fly down, Did I have a booger, nope. This staring and whispering game went on until I transferred at Metro Center. The little Go-Go's followed me. While on the platform waiting to board the redline towards Glenmont, one of the girls came up to me and in broken English asked, "Can we take your picture?" Umm, What? She repeated, "Can we take your picture?" I had no idea what to do, the ironic part is these 3 were dead serious, I thought it was a joke or dare at first but as soon as I acquiesced, two of them, wrapped their arms around my waist and the third snapped away. Then they rotated, this went on until my train arrived. By this time a little crowd was gathering with people wondering who the fuck I was, so luckily the train came when it did. I told them "Arigato" which they totally loved (thank-you Battle Royale) and hopped on the metro and tried to look normal. Trying to play down this little paparazzi moment a lady came up to me and asked me who I was. I told her my name and she tried to play it off like she knew who I was. Ummm, I was 14 shades of crimson the whole way out to CP. WTF people, I am totally moving to Asia and exclusively riding public transportation.

My red badge of courage

2006-03-12T18:50:00.000-05:00

- Some of you that have had the great pleasure of seeing my in person might wonder, how did I cet that crazy dope scar on my forehead? Well this weekend, Miss Christy got some pictures developed from that fateful night and here they are. The story goes...Me, Mrs. Christy, and our friends Jim and Juan Carlos decided to partake in "Guerilla Queer Bar" about 4 months ago. It all started fine and dandy, we all had a few drinks, then we headed to Stetson's which sucked man-heat, had about 30 more drinks, and then decided to walk to JR's. Well I was feeling rather frisky and decided to try to wrestled my friend Jim, who btw is a professional clown. Well he didn't have as many drinks as I and ended up tossing me into the street, what fun that was. Well I got up, dusted my Diesels off and proceeded into JR's with my friend. What I didn't realize is that my head was gushing blood. People were all staring at me and not in that "Golly I want to hump you" kinda way that I am used to. Needless to say, the female barback jumped from behind the bar and yanked me in the back and put a bandage on my head that was the size of a small maxi-pad. For the rest of the evening, I enjoyed drinks gratis from sympathetic homos, and now have a permanent reminder of an evening out with friends.

Here are the pics...

Everything started ok..

My brain had an abortion...

Jim is all about hurting me...(notice huge maxi-pad on face)

- Hope everyone is enjoying the great weather...Peace

Finally...

2006-03-06T18:38:00.000-05:00

- After years of searching, I finally found my ALL TIME favorite SNL funny skit. DRUNK GIRL!!!! Although it seems the character may act far fetched, I challenge anyone to go into any frat-ish bar I.E. McFadden's, The Waterfront in G-town, Cornerstone ect. and not find this girl holding court either at the bar or on it. Whorish top from H & M soaked in Bacardi and diet, friends trying to console her and mascara a-runnin. These are the girls that make me glad me wrikey wienies...

Suck on my Oscar...

2006-03-06T09:06:00.000-05:00

- Love me in a naughty way...

- She was ROBBED!!!!

- WTF?!??!??!!

- BTW, Ryan Seacrest is GAY. GAY like a glitter sundae.

Let it begin...

2006-03-02T22:00:00.000-05:00

- So the theme has been chosen, Evites have been sent, and the decorations have been ordered (while I was drunk, $80 on balloons? WTF). So my one last task is to find a suitable piece of art to have the nice West African lady at the bakery to silkscreen onto my cake. The theme for this year's fete is 24 Karat GOLD!!! Think Gold Lame, Mardi Gras beads, bowls of cheap goldfish, Dynasty and leggings. So far I am aiming for this...

So now I need you, my crackheaded readers, to decide on what cake silkscreen design I should get, the nominees follow...

- I LOVE GOOOLD!!!

- Thank you for being a friend...

- The Solid Gold Dancers, A nod to the great 80's

- This is if I want to pretend I have class, but the 20 yards of stretch gold fabric I ordered has fucked that idea

- HUZZAH ORAL HYGIENE!

- Do you remember the band DEE-LITE?

- Of course having my future wife on my cake is tempting...

- UMM...Tiddy balls anyone?

The most popular design from this vote will appear on my cake, or maybe it won't. It's my fucking birthday bitches. See everyone on the 1st!!

A lil guessing game

2006-02-27T17:46:00.000-05:00

- One of the people in this picture used to be my student...

I'll give you a hint...he's not wearing horse.

A hot sexy weekend full of inter-racial dirty thoughts...

2006-02-27T15:59:00.000-05:00

- Went to the parent's farm for the weekend. It was my dad's big 5-0 so all my family and I got together, rented a limo and went out to a Capital Grill for dinner. It was a blast, the food was delish, but it was a tiddle bit uncomfortable when my brother's local celebrity wife got hounded for pictures in the middle of our meal by two drunk businessmen. Oh well, par for the course I guess.

- Now onto my lost weekend of inter-racial mastubatory inducing thoughts -

- Took my (2 WHITE) parents to see MADEA'S FAMILY REUNION. HILARIOUS!!! That movie made me wanna pee my pants. I purposely bought tickets at the local "African American" theatre, because I felt that seeing this kick-ass film would be even more kick-ass surrounded by people talking to the screen, which I am also guilty of. Gurl I was not even prepared for the sea of sexy men that this film was overflowing with. Everytime one of the studs appeared onscreen, the crowd went CRaZy. I even heard my mom "Holla" at Boris Kodjoe...

and then whisper "Jesus Christ" when this guy got some camera time.

I swear to God, Tyler Perry is like the Michael Lucas of black men, he has the creme de la creme of sexy actors working for him.

- On to fantasy # 2, BATTLE ROYALE!!!

If you have never seen or even heard of this movie, you need to check yourself. Do you love Asian school children? Do you love Asian school children being kidnapped by the government? Do you love Asian school children who were kidnapped by the government chopping each other up with swords and having their necks explode when their magic dog collars get tampered with??? If you said hell yes to any of these questions, well this movie is definitely for you. I am a huge foreign cinema buff with a warm spot in my heart for ultra gory Japanese Films. Like the oh so popular Japanese version of "The Grudge", horror films from Japan take everything over the top times infinity. Total out of control-ness. Here is a quick run-down of the film...A group of 7th grade classmates are kidnapped by the government and taken to a deserted island. They are told that their insolence and laziness is the reason why Japan suck man heat. So the government decided to take a bunch of these little hellians and have them kill each other off to instill a sense of self awareness and humbleness in their cute lil asses. They have to realize that all their "fast living" does not make them adults, apparently shooting the class valedictorian in the neck with a crossbow does. Only the one strongest, deadliest student can survive. If more than one student is left at the end of the "game" then the little dog collars they are wearing around their necks will explode, HOT. So basically after the beginning 15 minutes of set-up, the kids are let loose on this island and proceed to hack apart, poison, and chop each other's heads off with hatchets. I totally eat this shit up. I was watching it with Miss Christy who I went to high school with and the whole time we were like, "I totally wish our school did this, we would own shit". So the one hitch that is thrown in is that there is a previous "game" winner that is playing again this time. He is straight up SEXINESS with a capital FUCK MY BRAINS OUT...

All of this coupled with the incredibly realistic special effects (no CGI bullshit) make this a great family film for the upcoming Easter Holidays!! Pop some corn, pour a soda and prepare yourself for projectile vomiting.

Ok enough movie reviews, I must go back to downloading interracial pornography.

Pictures make everything better...

2006-02-22T00:36:00.000-05:00

- So I ran into one of my real good friends from high school today on 25th Street. He was all "I am surprised you are not in prison" and I am like "Whaaa happened?" And he says that apparently the screaming match that I had with my two previous best friends at our 5th year High School reunion had mutated into me punching two girls in their faces and then stomping one of them in their trice abortioned gut. How did this "Days of Our Lives" rumor get spread like a preacher's daughter on prom night??? Like herpes... it was spread by the bitches who I got in an argument with. They are soo living in suburbia and do not approve of my "City life" also known as having sex with men. So I told my friend that I could care less about what the gas pumpers and Barnes and Noble workers back home think of me, but I just wanted to let the public (my readers who i love so much) know that I am not a woman beater, the only thing I beat is my meat, and the hairless Thai house cleaner that my roommate and I have held hostage for the past 4 months.

- To secure my place in your hearts, I have pics of my puppy, an "artsy pic of my apartment" and me and my roomie...

Drink Drink Revolution

Red is the new hetero

FIRST SNOW!!!!

Babycakes all up in yo grill

I am truly blessed to wake up to this

Weekend recap...

2006-02-19T22:35:00.000-05:00

- Friday night. Hung out with my Miss Christy at her new AMAZING place in AdMo then headed to Guerilla Queer Bar at Mantis to meet up with Chip and Dale, two blogger buddies, They are sooo much hotter in person, with great personalities to match, why these boys aren't being kept by some 87 year old record exec is totally lost on me. Ran into some toolbag that got pissed when I didn't know which member of the house that he worked for. I totally was about to cut/slice him like a mo-fo until Miss Christy reeled me in. All in all it was a great night ended at Amsterdam Falafel and sharing a bed with a 35 pound dog that farts in his sleep.

- So the roommate fucked up the cable, so I am stuck with one channel...I have no idea which one it is but it's the one with the Lesbian drama "The L Word". Now I loves me some carpet installers but this whole episode is all, "I have titty cancer" and "I am the butch girl, I hate when you finger me". Who are they trying to kid, lesbians don't have sex lives, all they do is drive Suburu's and restore cottages in fringe neighborhoods. Kudos though, this episode did have Miss Alan Cummins getting fucked by a lesbian taking hormone replacement therapy with a strap-on, the B-52s, and EVE ENSLER (who I love like vodka).

- Was home for my dad's big 50 this weekend. He's great, I hope I look like him when I am that elderly. Anyway, I started a bidding war on my gay ass between my two grandmothers. My one favorite one, she sends me cards and gifts and we do lunch, she is a total doll, but my other one just likes to forget birthdays, holidays, but then all at once, she likes to dump some cash into my account. So today I go up to granny #1 and was all like "I totally loved the v-day card you sent me, you are da bomb" and granny #2 saw this and came up to me, apologized that she forgot and put a $50 in my hand. Granny #1 was all like "Oh no your AARP ass did not just do this" and handed me a $50 also. IT was great, I felt so geisha. I walked away with $180 by the time this craziness stopped.

- Made plans with the father to go see "Chris Rock's Block Party" movie...He is so awesome (dad and Rock)

Tyra does it again...

2006-02-13T09:49:00.000-05:00

- Now I luurves me some Miss Tyra. I have started watching her show as opposed to Katie Couric's mutual masturbation-fest with the winter Olympics on NBC. So today's topic on THE TYRA SHOW was "I live a real life Broke-Back Mountain". This was an orgasm of "Oh no gurls" and "Ride em cowboys". I found it funny that Tyra really doesn't understand the whole concept of sexual fluidity. She kinda got stumped when one former "Gay cowboy" now said that he is in love with a woman. I mean Tyra only goes dyke if it is for the cover of Sports Illustrated. I do have to give it up to Big Momma Forehead, she is incorporating the LGBT viewers into her shows, I guess she realizes that the only people that watch her TOP Model Show is us and 13 year old girls that enjoy barfing after sucking down a steady diet of Camel Lights and ice cubes. And Tyra gurl knows she can only do soo many shows on eating disorders while showing the studio audience how real her "Lady lumps" are. The zenith of Tyra's show was reached when she told the woman who loved a formerly gay man who now is "straight" that she "finally turned one out". Ummm Tyra, just a little side note, The formerly gay man said that he is still all bff with his old boyfriend, in gay translation...He's still riding the Hershey Highway towards the one gay bar in Omaha, Nebraska. She truly is the next Oprah, If Oprah fucked basketball players, had 5% of the talent she has now and knew how to walk the runway in 400 inch heels. TYRA FOR PRESIDENT!!!

No fucking lie...

2006-02-11T18:50:00.000-05:00

- This is the first V-day card of the season that I received...Needless to say, it is from the "woman's group" (bible dykes as my father and I call them) at my family's church...Nothing like the big old JC to make ya horny in this season of showing your undying love by dipping your danger zone into chocolate. These bitches got my DC address from my brother who gave it to them as a prank. They send me cards full of anti-gay love every fucking weekend (they know I am a mo because I yelled at my Pastor one Sunday during service while he was talking about the downfall of the family). My favorite ones are the ones sent by Mrs. Whitcombe-Ashe, she likes to write "personalized" messages about the Lord's salvation in her cards after a few shots of tequila and they usually end up including some "sailor speak".

PRAISE JESUS!!!!

MMMMHHH...Gays in space...

2006-02-10T11:47:00.000-05:00

- So Kia posted about gays in space (a v.v. funny skit on SNL) and I forgot how much I loved it so I am posting it here...

- And I did a google search on "gays in space" and found this HILARIOUS flickr photo set with commentary...look at all the pics and run your mouse over the little boxes on the people to read the commentary...I was dying!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/phyllisgabor/sets/655840/

An email from Mother...

2006-02-10T11:08:00.000-05:00

- Ohhhh my mother. Great woman. Totally independent, smart, sassy, hilarious after a few glasses of wine. My mother and I have one of those typical gay son/mother relationships where we can totally bitch about family together and go shopping with my father's money. So every so often she sends me an email from her work. See her secretary is a sassy black woman that has ABSOLUTELY no boundaries. This woman forwards the most inappropriate emails to my mom and in turn she emails them to me. Well this one takes the "holy fuck I should have never taught my mother how to use a computer" cake. Not only does it have Christian values at it heart, but also a liberal sprinkling of curse words...Just like my mom.

(actual email that my mother received from her secretary and then forwarded to me.)

HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRAY AT WORK

When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning" to everyone and you think, "Somebody needs to slap the s#@@ out of her". You need to pray at work.

When someone comes in and announces, "Office meeting in 5 minutes," and you think, "what the f*&% do they want now?"..... You need to pray at work.

When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say, "which one of you sons of b*&^%$# turned off my computer?"..... You need to pray at work.

When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and a third person comes in and says, "Well at my last office...," and you want to throw a stapler at him... You need to pray at work.

When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is, "what the h*&^ does she want now?" and you try to hide underneath your desk... You need to pray at work.

When you are asked to stay late and help do someone else's work and the first thing that pops in your head is, "both of y'all can kiss my a@@$$".... You need to pray at work.

When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone who stood for five minutes waiting for the darn thing only to go DOWN one floor, and you say "that lazy b*&%$#"...... You need to pray at work.

When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you think, "sorry a## M#$^%F%&#s"... You need to pray at work

If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping or flattening someone's tires that you work with... You need to pray at work.

If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone because you know it is going to lead to their life story ...You need to pray at work.

If you know all the words that have been bleeped out.... You need to pray at work!

LET US ALL BOW OUR HEADS

HOLY JESUS FUDGESICLE!!

2006-02-09T03:53:00.000-05:00

- Did all you good gays and straights catch the Grammys tonight. All I need to say is that the opening was hot hot hot. The Gorillaz thing was pretty cool, still trying to figure out if they were puppets, CGI, or whatnot. But I know that Madge was all woman. Most ladies her age that I know can barely handle walking down stairs in heels let alone doing standing splits and crawling on the ground with their ethnically diverse backup dancers. Madonna is like a vintage side table. Impressive when you first see it, then it gets a tad bit tired, some scratches, some water marks, but then you slap a new coat of varnish (or purple leotard) on it and sweet baby Jesus, it excites you all over again.

catch the full video here:

He's gonna get cut like a piece of construction paper in an elementary school art class...

2006-02-06T17:57:00.000-05:00

- I normally ignore the crazy Fred Phelps, but a big OH NO YOU DIDN'T goes out to him and his congregation for their plans. He makes me violently ill. At least he will be totes dead after this.

Read the full story here...

http://www.washingtonblade.com/thelatest/thelatest.cfm?blog_id=4974

Skipped class today...

2006-02-06T16:11:00.000-05:00

- Yeah you read the post title. I am such a bad boy, I need a spanking or whatever you perves have floating through your heads. Now skipping class is no big deal, it's getting caught by your mother, who is paying for your college and law school, that really fucks yo gay ass over. I know, I am a fag, but I stayed up late watching the Superbowl and drinking booze cheaper than my ex. So I was hungover and didn't feel like taking the trek to CP and decided instead to watch the ELLEN show. Cornelius loves him some lesbian chatshows. Especially today, when she had her 30 year high school reunion on her show. How embarrassing for her classmates. Here she is, this multi-millionaire, with her own show, bff with A listers, and there they are, pumping gas, beating their kids ect. I only say this because I attended my 5 year reunion this past November and I felt the same way. While all the football team had 600 kids and worked at Target, I was drinking with dignitaries, getting accepted into law school, and throwing up in front of the Supreme Court. Anyway, I guess to each his own (but we all know that mine is better). Soo anyway, my mother called me today when I was supposed to be in class and found out I was skipping. I told her that I had a rough weekend and needed a day off. She was all like, "Rough weekend my Talbot's-pantsuit-ass". So as punishment I had to tell her just how rough my weekend was. It went summin like dis....

- Friday night...Boyfriend officially invited me to Palm Springs for spring break. Got drunk off of Sparks to celebrate. Happy hour on 17th, Played with boyfriend's new puppy. Cleaned up "dog shit caused by throwing puppy in air".

- Saturday night...Went to AdMo with the bf. Started out at LeftBank for a few vurrrry duuurty martinis, then headed to Felix for friend's b-day party. He rented the upstairs balcony loft thing and lord have mercy, it was a capital hill orgy of staff ass. Ran into the Sassmasters Chip and Dale, Dan Lubrano (who I just found out gives golden showers to people at private parties) Sean, and this douche named Tom who has Ted Kennedy's chin and his dead secretary's personality. Told a girl that she had magnificent titty balls (she then flashed me and the bf) had 4 more duuurty martinis and bid farewell the the crowd. Headed over to Amsterdam Falafel, to chat with the legal writing professor (who also owns the place) and discussed how great it is that he stopped smoking hashish. Went back to bf's place, played with puppy, cleaned up more "please don't toss a 9 week old dog into the air shit", went to bed realizing I have an amazing boyfriend.

- Sunday...Woke the bf up early to go to brunch (Cashion's Eat Place, tote's gay btw, you could see the host's meat through his pants they were so tight) and looked at his new home. Went to new bf's place, acted all gay and talked about how hot stainless steel appliances are, greeted his new (incredibly gay) neighbors, Met his friends so they could give the puppy a fucking goddamn Louis Vuitton collar and leash that costs more than my monthly rent, cleaned up some more puppy shit, came home to watch the game, drank a 12 pack of rolling rock, and passed out to "Are You Being Served" DVD.

- Today...woke up late, 3 cups of coffee, watched ELLEN, talked to mom, danced around my apartment to "Xanadu" by Olivia Newton John way too many times, did laundry, made bloody mary's for myself, reread some good ole David Sederis and now I am bloggin, how fucking productive.

It's like cliff diving...

2006-02-04T21:27:00.000-05:00

- So today, what a day. Raining outside, kind of shitty compared to yesterday, but as we all know, every cloud has a silver lining, and sometimes, there is a boyfriend hidden in there too. So, I have spent the past 4 weeks with Mr. Big. From Thursday until Monday morning, every week, I have been in the company of an amazing man. I do believe he could be considered by boyfriend. There, I said it, boyfriend. And man am I scared. Not scared like he will try to chop me up post-coital or beat me like Ike, but I am scared of being hurt. Yes, I am a fragile shell of a man. I think a lot of my readers can relate. It takes so much to open yourself up to someone, to look beyond your own needs and realize that it IS possible to care for someone. It feels great...And he's taking me to Palm Springs in March, HOLLA! Today was spent looking for a doggy day-care for his/our puppy and finished with an amazing lunch at Larioul Plaza (get the Brazilian Salad, it's yum). Throughout the day, I just kept looking at him and saying to myself, "This is easy". I think that is what relationships should be, easy. Now everyone says that relationships take work, and that at times it can be hard. I hear all of that, but I think the hard part is the initial opening up aspect. I talked to a good friend on the phone and he compared relationships to cliff diving. The anticipation of the plunge usually keeps us from jumping, we say we are just enjoying the view (or being single) but once we leap, we hand over all control to the fates, enjoy the ride and soak in the surroundings...

(BTW: the pic is of my new pup, Cillian. I swear I didn't drop the couch on him, he sleeps that way)

Two tales from the metro and a funny joke...

2006-02-03T14:54:00.000-05:00

- Ahh Le metro. J'adore le Metro. Today riding back from class on the green line I see a lady. A homeless lady. Now I am not one too judge but we ALL know that homeless people are total nutjobs. So expecting some hilarity to ensue on my commute back to the into the city, I sit two seats behind her but pretend to read a book. I have mastered the art of looking into the reflection of a metro window and basically keeping tabs on everyone, no matter if they are in front, behind or wherever in the car. This comes in handy when playing the fun game "Who would I fuck on this metro". Anyway, the car is basically empty except for these two girls drinking soda from an extra large Styrofoam cup. At Fort Totten, the girls get off and leave their cup on the floor. The homeless lady sees this and snatches up the cup. She holds it tightly like it were filled with magic homeless lady gold and to let go of it would be the end of her. The train car slowly fills up as we progress further into the city. Around L'Enfant Plaza it's pretty full, the normal mix of cubicle monkeys, tourists and college kids. This is when the magic happens. The homeless lady, Let's call her "Nutzo" stands up, warns everyone that the doors to the car will not be opening ever again and PROCEEDS TO EAT HER STYROFOAM CUP! I was like "AWWW SHIT, GET YOUR EAT ON GURL!!!" Some people laughed, but the majority of them rushed to the opposite end of the car. She doesn't actually swallow the Styrofoam, she bites chunks out of it, chews it up thoroughly and sprays it out of her mouth all over the place. I nearly shit myself. Apparently someone alerted the metro conductor who then alerted the metro cops. At the next stop, a cop comes on the train, grabs the cup away from Nutzo and tells her, "Littering is not allowed on the metro". Then he gets off the train and the doors close. She got away with it. I have finally figured out that if you want to commit a misdemeanor on the metro, all you have to do is pretend you are a nutball and you get off scott free.

- Second metro story, it's a very short one. I love the EXPRESS. You know, the "US Weekly masquerading as news" zine that they hand out at metro stops. I read it religiously and what do I find inside this morning...A story on a guy I used to hook up with (and no, it wasn't Boehner). Starfuckers unite!!!!

- Funny (or not so funny) joke overheard today...(totally dedicated to Dale and Kwi, but not in a racist, I hate Asians way)
Backstory: Waiting for my Statistical Analysis class to start...
Girl One: Hey Jenn, how do you make a math department martini?
Girl Two: Umm, tell me
Girl One: Take the country of Asia (yes readers, she said country), put it in a shaker, pour in some virginity, add a shot of social awkwardness and shake. Pour into a martini glass and garnish with sub-par English skills.
Girl Two: They should totally serve that at Cornerstone!!!! ( a bar popular with students)
Cornelius: (to himself) You forgot the ice.

- ZINGERSSS. Ok enjoy the rest of this amazing day, I am off to take my (older, maybe indicted) friend and his brand new puppy to happy hour on 17th Street (how gay) Totally gonna be posting some pics of that later.

SOTUIBW (State Of The Union In Black and White)

2006-01-31T23:20:00.000-05:00

- Oh my God, he's speaking real english

- Shhh, he's trying to court the conservative black voters by mentioning Coretta Scott King...

- Totally got drunk when he was all about"Liberating the minorities of Iraq" (but not the LGBT in the USA)

- Tom Woodruff is a total babe. Fuck you Cooper (and not in the way that you have paid me, SNAP).

- Sill don't trust Bush, something about him being all stupid and shit...

I'll give you a hint...

2006-01-31T21:13:00.000-05:00

- It's the name of Paris Hilton's first single...(or what W is gonna do to us) Oh god he just mentioned Coretta...WINE PLEASE!!!

Daddy's getting drunk...

2006-01-31T12:25:00.000-05:00

- Well tonight is the night. The State of the MUTHA FUCKIN Union!!!!! Holla back Condi, Put your walking cane in the air Chaney. I know Smith Point is gonna be a clusterfuck of messy Junior leaguers and their mutually masturbating trustfund boy-toys. So since I am not allowed within 50 feet of the Bush twins, I will be spending the evening in, remote in one hand, jug-o-wine in the other. The State of the Union Drinking Game is a DC tradition. In the past, my record stands at 2 jugs-o-wine by the end of the speech. HOT! So because I love you readers soooo much, I will share my game with you.

Purchase 2 jugs-o-wine (or any booze you like, but must be able to be swigged or taken as shot)

Take one swig (or take one shot) when Retardo...
Loses his place in the speech,
pauses for forced applause,
mispronounces a word in the English language,
mispronounces a foreign country or Head of State,
does the "Bush" chortle,
mentions Alito, Roberts or Tranny Truck (Miers),
mentions terrorism,
hints at terrorism,
mispronounces terrorism,
mentions bi-partisanism,
mentions Texas,
mentions the drunktastic tag-team (Babs and Jenna),
pretends to care about Coretta Scott King,
mentions Roe v. Wade,
or whenever you get a lil thirsty.

The speech starts at 9, I am guessing, if I follow these simple rules, I will be drunk by 9:05.

God Bless America AND NO ONE ELSE!!!!! (especially the gays)

Oh Lord Jesus Lord Jesus Jesus...

2006-01-31T06:37:00.000-05:00

- Sunday night, Mr. Big calls me and wants to know if I would like to accompany him to Wheaton, MD to go see his new puppy and meet the puppy's breeder. He did warn me however, that the breeder was a lil "Special". Now "special" is the way that my mother used to describe our crazy aunt so from the age of 5 I have always thought special=fucking nutzo. So being the good quasi date I was waiting outside of the apartment when he swung by to get me. As soon as I jumped in his car, he reiterated, "This breeder lady is a little out there". I was like, "Oh Wheaton, MD? It's not that far". I guess I didn't grasp his intent. We drive to the breeder and pull out front of this non-descript condo in one of those cookie cutter suburban neighborhoods. Well the dogs heard us coming because all hell broke loose. We were on one side of the thick wood door and they were on the other. But they kept clawing at the door, snarling, and growling. I was like "Shit bitch, I am totes gonna get attacked by some rabid fucking dog. We hear this loud, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE DOOR!!!" Umm yes chil'ren, that was the breeder. She opens the door and told the two shocked fags that greeted her that she was talking to us. Great, not only am gonna be shredded by some fucking mongrels but also I just got CBAC'd (cussed by a crazy).

She leads us into her "home", and THERE..IS...NO...FURNITURE. All that she had were doggy crates, doggy gates, and plush toys all over the place. I do believe that she sleeps in one of those crates because all were the same small size except for one that I kid you not, was the perfect size for a crazy white woman. So she tells us to meet her in the living room which we had a hard time finding because of the lack of furniture, I think I ended up in the dining room, Mr. Big in the breakfast nook. She screams at us from the "real" living room and we follow her voice over piss stained carpets and come upon one of the most disturbing/oddly cute sights I have ever seen. In the room, there was a baby pen set up in the middle of the floor, 5 little puppies barking and romping around, and a grown ass white woman laying on back with a chew toy on her stomach all up in the middle of this mess. OH LORD JESUS LORD JESUS JESUS!!!! She motions for us to come join her and play with the puppies. As apprehensive as I was, my gay ass dove on in. I was like, "Bitch, move over, give me that chew toy, puppies gonna play with me now". Mr. Big looked at me like he had accidently brought my retarded twin brother along with him. After a few minutes of convincing, he joined us in the pen. So here we were, Two gay men, five terrier puppies, and one crazy lady, in a baby pen, in Wheaton. God forbid someone looked in the window.

So after an hour of so of playtime with the dogs and more uncomfortableness courtesy of crazy lady that put a chewtoy in her mouth, we get out and are seated Indian style on the floor so the breeder lady could quiz Mr. Big on basic doggy care. He totally lied his ass off. She basically won't sell a dog to anyone that works over 30 hours a week, Mr. Big works like 50. He was all like "Oh I work from home", he's really gonna send the pup to doggy daycare. So she starts talking about training the puppy which Big is totally gonna leave to the people at the daycare. She tells us that these terriers love them some cream cheese. She is all like, "put cream cheese on your finger to make the dog come, put cream cheese on your lips and let the doggy kiss you". I am wondering how many times the Philly has found it's way south of this lady's belly button.

So she offers us a beer, clearly a ploy to make us stay, we being the first human contact she has had in prolly 3 years. I have one, she tells me to drink it quick so she can give me another. I am like "Oh no crazy bitch, I am sooo not getting drunk and even more uncomfortable in this nut house". I politely decline, stating I have an early morning. So all the training and grooming instructions were given and she started on food. Of course she reiterated the canine's love of the cream cheese, but she then went on to tell us that the dogs are allergic to corn. I am like what bitch, dogs eat poop like it's pudding, how can they be allergic to corn. She then turns to Mr. Big and asks him if he is "Latino". He said he is part Spanish, she said, "Well I know how your people like corn, but don't give any of my dogs and taco shells or anything, IT COULD KILL THEM". I shat my khakis. Mr. Big forced a smile, he just wanted his puppy.

So after the food speech, she ends our visit with a talk on puppy names. Big was thinking about something cute and puppy-ish. She was like "NO, the dogs name is"...and she rattles off some 20 part name that is it's official show name. Big was like "whatev's hoe, I am gonna call it what I want". So after all this craziness had taken place, we find out that we can't take the pup home yet, we have to go back on Thursday. Apparently she just wanted to hang out with us. FUCKING A. So not only was I disturbed beyond all expectations, my ass had to go back to her crazy condo-o-dogs later this week to get the pup. I am totally mainlining heroin before I step foot in that place again. I would rather have a drug dependency than listen to that lady alluding to her sexual escapades with animals anyday.

- On another note, 3 weeks until I get to shoot a fucking gun in my forensic evidenciary procedure class!!!!

It's that time again...Time to haterate the classamates.

2006-01-28T12:02:00.000-05:00

- Yes, a new semester is upon us, and that means two things, time to throw-up in class because you are still drunk from the night before and time to pass judgment on my classmates based soley on their looks and demeaners!!! YAY!!!

- STUPID SORORITY GIRL- Yes, it's great that you get gang banged on a nightly basis by the Beta brothers, what is not great are those bright magenta stretch velour sweatpants you have been trying to pull off. They are way too small for you honey, and camel toes are not required on the syllabus, so why are you bringing them to class. Hoe, you are a college student, not a highlighter. You make me want to shoot your ass out of a flare gun with those blinding pants. Oh and the "JUICY" logo printed all over your ass is tres classy. I hope a baboon tries to butt rape you.

- KID WHO WEARS NOTHING BUT MARYLAND LOGO CLOTHES- Jesus fucking Christ, lemme guess, you are a freshman, or better yet, a transfer student. You are totes in love with our great University and want the world to know. That's great and all but I think that you have coordinated your outfit a tiddle bit too much. Terps sweats, Terps windbreaker, Terps hat, Terps bookbag, Terps SCARF??!!??? It's like the fucking campus gift shop sprouted legs, a shitty complexion and decided to take classes. Please get yourself to the nearest J. Crew. I only pray to God that you try to ride the metro in that get-up, I give you two stops before you get dragged off the train and curb-smiled by the locals.

- BASKETBALL STAR- Jesus fucking Christ you are a tall mutha fuckah. Now I thought I was tall but when you come to class and have to duck when you come in the door, it's time to take the whole "giant" deal down a notch. Did your father (which you probably never met) use steroids instead of lube when he impregnated the giant spaceage robot you call mom? From now on please sit in the back of class, that swoll melon you call a head effectively blocks 90% of the blackboard. We are here to get an education knot to look at the back of your batcave of a head.

- TEXT MESSAGE KID- WOW, you have a cell phone, WOW you have friends, WOW you are too cool for school you have to constantly text message your little testicle cupping circle jerking group of friends every 5 seconds to check in with them? You are sooo well versed in text messaging that you don't even have to look at your phone while sending a message, which I am sure gets you hella lots of ass. Newsflash Johhny Number 5, you are disturbing EVERYONE in class with your lightning skills on the phone touchpad. And what is better? Your down syndrome ass giggles after every message that your "crew" sends you. Unless it's an emergency, please put the phone away and pay attention. I will not be tutoring another retarded classmate this semester because they couldn't remove their phone from their lives for 50 minutes and pay attention. Do everyone a favor, blindfold yourself, run into traffic, and stay there until someone hits you.

- YARMULKE GUY- So you are one of the chosen people? Then why does your God-cap have NY METS #1 written in puffy paint on it. Totes not cool. I don't think our collective higher power would appreciate you using your yarmulke as a fucking billboard for a sports team. Do you have other ones with other artistic slogans on them? I want you to wear one that says, "Hell, That's Hot", or "I am a retard". Please don't EVER reproduce.

- SASSY BIG BLACK GURL- I am sooo in love with you. From your barely there baby tee, to those parasucos that must be painted on. You are my new lover. I loved on the first day of class when you squeezed into the little desk and your shirt went up and your pants went down to reveal the finest butt crack that God had ever made. You didn't even have any panties on, cause that's how you roll, which is AWESOME. What's more is that you listen to your ipod really loudly during class (hello, I loves me some Mary J too) , and you don't even try to hide it! Sometimes you sing along while the T.A tries to explain really complex formulaic theories, which is what queens like yourself do, cause you own the class. You dare that mutha fuckin graduate student teaching assistant to step to you. You would totally snap her neck and then steal her shoes. LOVING YOU!!! Your hair has changed 2 times and we have only had 2 classes. The first day, you had like no hair, and the second day you looked like Victoria Gotti. When we all had to introduce ourselves on the first day of class and your interesting fact was that you want to be a lawyer for rappers, I knew you would be my baby's momma. Please can we grab a coffee and gossip about boys and clothes???

Last night's date was brought to you by Patron tequila

2006-01-27T10:55:00.000-05:00

- I am NOT dating Jack Abramhoff, as much as I love me some Jewish men, he has a son and wifey.
- So last night was date night, and date night it was. I felt so Mr. Cinderella being picked up from my apartment in his luxury automobile, being wisked away to ZENGO (not Indebleu like I had thought), eating amazing sushi, drinking (5) Patron filled margaritas. All In all it was one of my top 3 best "first" dates. We had dinner at this new place called Zengo in Chinatown. It's a really cool space and the food is totes delish. It's a very "Hill" place packed with politicians, staffers, lobbyists and their 23 year old dates. We had made reservations but our table wasn't ready so we waited at the bar for about 10 minutes. In those 10 minutes we had like 60 people coming up to us, offering support to my date and chatting to me about my law school plans. Apparently word had spread fast that Mr. Big was seeing a younger man. Everyone was really nice to us and it kind of struck me as weird until I realize "Oh yeah these people probably took money from my date at some point in their lives". So our table is ready and we head upstairs. He had called ahead and requested "his" table which is this amazing corner booth with a view of the pretty (and not so pretty) people. I really could not understand the menu so Mr. Big ordered me a drink that he said I would love. Oh boy did I, it was a patron margarita. I also did not understand the menu (methinks it was the 3 margaritas that had me confused in the whole "basic reading" department). He said he would order for "us". How sweet cause there was no way in hell I could afford anything on the menu. We had the ceviche sampler, wonton tacos, and tasted all the sushi. Afterwards we debated going to Halo or Cobalt but opted to going back to his place and watching tivo'd TRUE LIFE: My parents are homos. It was great, I totally want to have kids now, but good looking ones, not that drum major chick that was a handbag of craziness. Her one mom looked like Roger Ebert, scaaaary. So we fall asleep on the couch together, no hanky panky. I wake up this morning to coffee and a bagel that he ran out to get for me. All in all it was an amazing time had by all. My plans for the weekend include going to Cady's Alley to help pick out stuff for his new house. I am such a good gay. Where is my fucking tiara?

Date night...

2006-01-26T07:28:00.000-05:00

- Well it's Thursday, so you know what that means, undescended testicle night at Apex or Date Night. I am opting for the latter. My fine gentleman escort tonight was best described as my drunken roommate as "Shiit, he's like Mr. Big and you are SJP". Yes readers, I am going on a date tonight with a wealthy, older gentleman. Not in a hooker way, but it's fun being able to go out to really swank restaurants without paying. He is the one I mentioned in a previous post about possibly being under investigation for bribing politicians. If he gets indicted I am TOTALLY gonna be the "young male friend" that sits in the courtroom in an inappropriate outfit while posing for the cameras. Wish me luck beyotches. Apparently we have reservations at Indeblue, never been there, supposed to be good though...yuuuurm.

- Also, I am watching the "Today Show" and goddamn it, why does my lover, Katie Couric have to show fucking pictures of her colonostipy (or butt camera operation) EVERY FUCKING DAY. Katie baby, please stick to showing of your dangerous gams and talking about how fucking retarded/adorable your children are.

OHHH Bitch done got herself a gun!!!

2006-01-25T23:56:00.000-05:00

- Happy humpday bitches, I hope you are spending it like me, watching "Project Runway"...ohhhh gurl Zulema's gonna get it. But anyway, today was a day of firsts for me...

- First day of classes for what is hopefully my last semster at the drippy axe-wound known as University of Maryland. So I am actually taking ONE fun class this semster...THE LEGALITY OF FORENSIC EVIDENCE!!!! Yes bitches, I will be playing CSI for academic credit. The best part however was when my professor (who was an expert witness for the OJ trial) informed the class that WE WILL BE SHOOTING GUNS AS AN ASSIGNMENT!!!! ( We have to learn something about which guns are illegal or some junk.) The whole class deeply inhaled and of course, me being little Tammy Tourettes yelled out "That's Hot". The professor laughed and told the class that they should all share my enthusiasm. I am hoping to get a grenade launcher or perhaps a nice semi-automatic glock (with mother of pearl grip of course). On the day that we go to the shooting range I am soooo wearing a denim catsuit and an afro in honor of Miss Pam "I shoot the dicks off of white pimps" Grier. A++++++++

- Another first - I saw....a man...on the metro...vomit...into his CVS bag...and proceed to put this little parcel...under his seat. Momma thinks he was a tiddle bit drunk. All you green line commuters are in for a treat in the morning, cause you know metro don't clean their shit.

- My last first of the day...This is the first semester where I am (A) taking a class with someone I haven't hooked up with and (B) taking a class with no hot mens. I think this will be a very productive but hump-less semester.

My dream come true

2006-01-24T19:19:00.000-05:00

- So all my friends know that it is my ultimate dream to become a successful lawyer, marry Jonathan Taylor Thomas and adopt twin Korean girls and name them Cha Cha and Kiki. Well here is a little preview of my future daughters...on speed...singing karaoke...and playing an imaginary piano.

http://www.youtube.com/?v=9oCTkwpSgnY

Cornelius is soooooo gay...

2006-01-24T12:54:00.000-05:00

- How gay is he??? He got caught cheating on his liquor store with a deli.

Quick back story, I live in the Foggy Bottom area of our Nation's Crapital and my regular liquor store is in the basement of the Watergate building. Now this store has fuckloads of $800 wines that I can no way afford, but me being the congenial/constantly drunk man I am, I made friends with the super nice Korean couple that owns the joint and they started ordering anything they thought I would like, including crazy foreign vodkas and other treats for my face. We know each other so well, I actually get Christmas presents and b-day presents from them, which I guess is normal...or not. So about 6 months ago I discovered there is a deli/liquor store RIGHT ON THE NEXT BLOCK FROM MY APARTMENT!!! DC being a fucking mormon controlled city (don't pretend you didn't know), no liquor stores are supposed to sell hooch on Sundays. Well the deli gives Mayor Tony a big "FUCK YOU" and sells shit everyday. This truly makes my heart happy. I started going to the deli because it's close to me and my booze usually runs out on Saturday night and daddy needs his bloody mary on Sunday mornings or he will hurt small children living in his building. Last night I went into the Watergate liquorstore and the lady was not too pleased with me. After picking up my $7 jug of wine, I bring it to the front to be rung-up. This lady, that had loved me a week ago, proceeds to tell me that she knows that I have been taking my booze related business elsewhere. How does she know this?? She goes to fucking church with the nice Korean couple that owns the deli. She saw me stumble into the deli one night when she was coming over to visit her church friends and gurl was not happy. She then tells me all these really nasty things about the deli people to try to persuade me to come back into her Stoli filled arms. Can the children say "uncomfortable?" I paid for my wine and was on my way. When I got home, I told my roommate and she said that the deli couple had been talking to her about "bad" things that the watergate couple do. Holy fucking shit, what is going on? All I know is that from now on, I will buy 1 jug-o-wine at the deli and immediately run to the watergate to purchase another one to satiate the liquor store gods. I am so scared they are gonna kick each other's ass if they spot me "cheating" on them. God forbid they ban my ass, i'll have to start having my shit delivered by Pan-Mar liquor again.

Next stop...LOEHMANNS!!!!!!!

2006-01-23T06:57:00.000-05:00

So I just found these pics from NYE in NYC. Funny thing is...I am sober in these pics! It just goes to reiterate the point that when you hang out with Sarah, you don't need any booze to have fun. This was truly one of the most amazing weekends of my life, one of those weekends that make you realize how great life is. From dancing in the car to Chaka Khan, to beating down 16 year old Long Island girls at the mall, that weekend was one of my top 5. My friend Sarah and her family are absolutely amazing (and gorgeous!!). If you have never been to Queens, I highly recommend a lil day trip there, make sure you stop by Lake Success!!!! (inside joke)

Smelling females on the Long Island Railroad...

Yeah, I am in a gang, a gang of lovers...

The lady that made the entire weekend possible, my AA (Awesomeness Anonymous) sponsor Princess Sarah...

- NEXT POSTING: I might be dating someone, someone currently being investigated by The Washington Post for "bribing" politicians...HUZZAH LOVE LIFE!

J'adore "The Dreamers"

2006-01-20T04:58:00.000-05:00

- Ok so a lot of people don't know this, but behind these bedroom blues, lies a brain. A brain that is fucking nuts for French cinema. It all started with this movie called "Wild Reeds", which to this day remains my favorite film of all time. Even if you don't parle francais, it is the type of film that you can happily get lost in. Well tonight, while in a lovely buzzed moment, I come upon "The Dreamers" a film by Bertolucci (who also directed one of my other faves, "Stealing Beauty"). It is a story of French twins, one boy, one girl and the American that they take into their salon and eventually into their bed. This film is gorgeous. Even though it takes place in 1969 France, it can be translated into all of our lives. Queer, straight, black, white, rich, poor. It is an amazing film that takes me back to a sepia colored past where all I did was smoke, drink, fuck and discuss politics. YOU MUST SEE THIS FILM.

You must listen to "Age of Consent" by NEW ORDER while reading this.

2006-01-20T00:48:00.000-05:00

- So I went with my parents and younger brother tonight back to Matchbox (second time this week). This place is amazing beyond words, and now my parents are all like "Honey, this can be our place", and "I feel so urban". They even remembered the doorgirl's name (which got us a great booth upstairs). As I was eating dinner something occurred to me. I really love my family. I know that this may sound cheesy, but some of the kids that I mentor have never known their fathers or known a mother that wasn't working 3 jobs to send them to a safe school. I guess this all really struck me when I ran into a guy I was pretty hot and heavy with a year ago. Ya see, if this meeting would have taken place a few years ago, I would have been totally scared out of my mind. A few years ago I was in a really bad place. I had just come out to my parents and had just moved to the city. I moved here with my parent's cash but not their blessing. They were worried about me, the all night parties, the lies, the mood swings. Originally, my purpose on moving to the city was to fuck as many guys as possible and get as fucked up as possible. Now that I lived by myself my mom's secretary wouldn't be calling my friend's places seeing if I was alive, my father wouldn't tip off the police to which car I was driving. I could be an "adult". But what I realized tonight was that I wasn't happy, I wasn't fucking sane. As cliched as it sounds, I found happiness tonight. My former flame was on a date and spotted my mother and I as we waited to use the restrooms. He came up and gave me this huge hug. This hug said so many things. The embrace moved from around the shoulders to the small of my back. It was an embrace of two men that had slept together, had brunch together, rented movies together, walked his dog together, had shared a part of their lives together. My mother was soaking in the whole thing. Here is her son, hugging a man, in public. When I realized that that my mother was watching, I quickly turned around. I didn't think twice and introduced her to XXXX. She said she was glad to finally meet him and told him how I talked about him and all this other embarrassing shit. Well, 20 minutes into my mother's conversation with the man I used to fuck, I told her that dad was probably getting antsy and sexually harassing a waitress so we should scoot upstairs. What does the saucy bitch do? SHE INVITES HIM UPSTAIRS TO MEET MY FATHER AND BROTHER! So as we climb the 2 flights of stairs up to the family, one thought crowds my brain, "I think my mom wants to see my ex naked". She managed to touch his bicept (for stability on those confusing stairs she says) no less than 5 times. At the landing I looked back and my mother and XXXX had stopped at his date's table to say hi and tell him that they would be back down. WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON??? So we finally make it to our booth and my mother, not I, introduces XXXX to my father and brother. They make small talk about the legal world for a few minutes and as I look at my mom, she looks at XXXX, he looks at me, my brother looks at his empty drink, and my father looks at my mom. It was amazing. He said his goodbyes to my fam and I went to walk him back down to his table. I had to physically force my mother into her seat because she wanted to walk down with us. So as I walk him down, he pulls me close and tells me I have such a great family and that he is in love with my mom. I met his look of sincerity with my look of pride. As we were approaching the bottom of the stairs, he asked me if I still had his number, I mouthed "Of course". I escort him to his table and make my ascent back upstairs. As I peek over the back of the booth I can see my mother's smile. It's a smile full of pride. She is proud of her gay son (and impressed he used to date such a stud as she later put it). I realized that night why I moved to the city. It wasn't to find as many hot guys as possible. It wasn't to find all the "right" parties. It was to find me. Well readers, I did find me. I found me in my mother's giggle, my brothers raunchy gay jokes and my father's conversation about real estate with the man I used to date. And I am happy. And of course, the dinner was amazing!

NEWSFLASH!!!

2006-01-19T16:26:00.000-05:00

- So just sitting here, watching the news and the leading story is about a stabbing at CLUB CHAOS!!! AWWW SHIT!!! I knew this was gonna happen one day. That place is packed to the gills with fierceness. Apparently two "men" got in an argument on the dance floor and one man stabbed the other in the stomach. Isn't that nuts? I am waiting for the 5 o'clock news where they will go into more detail and perhaps (please baby Jesus) an eyewitness interview with some FIERCE trannies! I could see it going something like this...

REPORTER: So where were you when this stabbing took place?
KIKI TRANNYTRAP: I had just finished my Whitney routine and was doing bumps with Juan in the bathroom when I heard this commotion.
REPORTER: And what did you do?
KIKI: Well, first I took the spoon out of my nose and Juan's penga out of my mouth. Then, with heels in hand, ran to the dancefloor and regulated.
REPORTER: What do you mean by "regulate"?
KIKI: Well I vogued, snapped, and had a walk-off with the crime scene investigator.
REPORTER: Do you think this was a hate crime?
KIKI: No, cause if it was a hate crime, he would have stabbed Taffeta Jackson, cause that bitch looks like Seabuscuit, and she got fake titties. Lots of ho's hate that bitch, that's who should have been stabbed. Plus she stole my hormone shots.
REPORTER: I see.

Link to real story here: http://www.nbc4.com/news/6237173/detail.html

Few things my chil'ren

2006-01-18T21:02:00.000-05:00

- Watching American Idol, umm Jesus fucking christ, this show has gotten sad...these poor delusional kids. Actually the one from tonight's episode named "Flawless" (the one with the matching couture) reminds me of the son of the lady that cleans my parents house...I always had a lil white trash crush on him, wearing short shorts while he mows the lawn, dripping icecubes on my pre-pubescent nipples as he scrubs windows with the last glimmer of methadone in his eyes...

- I HAVE NO MIXERS!!!! Normally I don't have any booze, but this past weekend when I woke up all drunk and dehydrated, I chugged my bottle of tonic water. Now I am currently drinking Stoli and iced herbal tea.

- JESUS + Disco = MIss Christy. I saw this online and it reminded me of one person, My bff Christy...so click on the link (it's safe for work) and see what sent me into spasms tonight for like 2 hours...

LINK: http://blogfiles.wfmu.org/KF/0512/jesus.mov

New Year, New Me, New Apartment Gayness

2006-01-18T10:58:00.000-05:00

- So in honor of cleansing all my dirty sinfull acts of the past year, I did like most gay WASPS did, REDECORATED BITCHES!!!!!. I love my apartment, not too big, not too small, within walking distance Ralph Lauren and 7 liquor stores, It suits me just fine. So I channeled the hot and sexy Nate Berkus, repainted, got some new furniture, and because I am a fag, NEW VOTIVE CANDLE HOLDERS!!!! So below are some before (crazy blue color) and after (soothing beige) pics of my little pied a terre here in our Nation's Crapatal. My next project is mounting (no pun intended) an Elkhorn Fern to the wall over my tiny, sin-filled bed. I watch way too much Martha Stewart...

What used to give me a headache everytime I woke up...

My new Ashram Yoga Sanctuary...

- not bad for someone that manages to mix 300 count sheets with end tables found on the street!

Cornelius Stewart

"Does this mean I have to got through tard class again??"

2006-01-16T01:57:00.000-05:00

- Lo siento about the last post. The real heading should be "How to Make Cornelius Stay in DC". I apologize for any tricks shaking in their Ugg boots on 17th street at the "cyber cafe"reading this thinking that I am 100% moving. Make me stay bitches, make me stay. (Just kidding I am totes moving to NYC)

How to love a guy in 6 months...

2006-01-16T01:21:00.000-05:00

- So I was out to din din with the parents tonight at the amazing Matchbox (www.matchboxdc.com) and the questions just kept piling up...bitches wanted to know who I was dating, did I "fancy" anyone (as my mother so elegantly put it after her third martini), why have my past relationships all gone down the crapper????
So I told them I had been on a few dates, but I did not go into the hell that was my last date (the one before the Texan, which is a whole hell of another story). I told them that I was just really involved with my volunteer work and school and working out. Umm bitches wanted their grandbabies right then and there. They literally expected a grandchild to be brought out with their order of crabcakes. So anyway I digress, I decided that I would challenge myself.
I am only living in this city for 6 more months, then moving to NYC, so why not have 6 relationships, with expiration dates on none but the main emphasis should be placed not only on the relationship, but the "life lesson" (as my crazy sequin sweater wearing aunt puts it) that each pseudo-relationship contains. I chose a month for each relationship because in the past, that how long the majority of the "meat" of relationships that I have been in last. I want to pick people's brains, I want to find the real reason why people want to date (or not date) me. I want to have amazing sex, and an even more amazing time watching movies with them. I am SO gay.
OK, so here is the deal, I will push all superficial prejudices out of my crazy brain-piece and go on a date with the next guy that asks me. Now I will play the part of responsible, non emotionally retarded boyfriend/date, and he will teach me a lesson, just like on Full House (he will be the Uncle Jesse to my Kimmy Gibler). So here are the stats...6 foot 2 inches (height, not dick size), 195 pounds, 34 inch waist, blue eyes, brown hair, Indian roommate, preference for dog owners, total BBC freak. Who wants to date a Corneliusanaire????

- On another note, my bgf (best gay friend) Frank the spank just bought an apartment. I am immensely proud of him, he has no idea. I am totally gonna start filming my homeless person porn at his new place. That is why...I am geisha.

Naked Neighbor...

2006-01-14T12:56:00.000-05:00

- Sitting here, watching MADE on MTV, casually glancing out of the window and what testicle stomping visage greets me???? My 300 pound neighbor, naked, cleaning his kitchen, with his blinds up. It's like the bastard child of Louie Anderson and a Merry-Maid moved in across the street. Now this isn't the first time that he has chosen to do a lil cleaning sans clothing, but Jesus man, you's gonna get some Soft Scrub on your tallywhacker...not pretty folks.

Save a horse...

2006-01-13T20:43:00.000-05:00

- Well I guess you know the rest. If you read my previous post, you know how miffed I was after my last date. Well thanks to my muse Miss Christy, I have been inspired to go on another date (not with the douchebag from last night). So I call up this authentic Texan that I knew and that had asked me out for a date a while ago. Now a little backstory on Texas, the state, not my date. My uncle lived there for a while during University and was killed in 1995 by a drunk driver. Bush is from there, do I really need to say more? But on the upside, it is the birthplace of big hair and texas hold-em, and this really sexy man that I will be seeing this evening. All I really know about Texas is that it's what I fly over when I am heading to Cancun. Pray for me children, with all your little souls. If tonight goes into the crapper, I an chopping my wang off and moving to a nunnery.

Dear Jesus, Am I really a drunken man-slut?

2006-01-12T15:38:00.000-05:00

- Well fuck me in my face...I had a great date last night. Dinner at Larioul Plaza, beers at JR's then some "Little Britain" watching back at my place with my escort for the evening. Not to get graphic but things happened, actually things happened for a few hours, until 4am this morning. It didn't feel rushed, It didn't feel wrong, It felt appropriate...umm if you are a slut apparently. So anyway, I go to class still drunk, manage to get a fucking A on my test and ride the metro home all in anticipation of an email from the previous night's consort telling me what a great evening he had ect. Well what does my inbox hold for me? THIS...

------------------------------------------------------------------
"I had fun last night too. But I do feel really guilty about letting things progress to the point they did. That's what happens when you feed me too many drinks! Remember when I said that I was at the point of no return, stop now or go wild? :)

So I want to be up front and say that I'm not really looking for any kind of relationship right now. I'm really just looking to meet people and have fun - which I think we did. :) "
-----------------------------------------------------------------

JESUS FUCKING CHRISTMAS!!! What the hell happened? Umm am I a slut now? Are "fun times" expected when one goes on a date with Cornelius? Apparently so. So where does this email leave me? I have just broken up with the man I will probably marry, I was a little too "easy" on a first date and I am here, in my apartment, alone, listening to Angie Stone on repeat, drinking lukewarm blush Chablis from the Korean deli. This is my life. The Ole Cornelius needs him some dating lessons with emphasis on the following topics...

- how NOT to be a slut on the first date
- how NOT to call date's car a "lesbian-mobile" just because it's a Suburu
- how NOT to mention how big your ex's dick is
- how NOT to tell him your parents want you to pop out kids as soon as you finish law school
- how NOT to feed your date $2 beers until he can barely stand
- how NOT to throw a tube of Kiehl's ultra moisturizing hand salve at him and tell him to "grease up"
- how NOT to make sweet man love up against your plate glass window that faces a major street.
- how NOT to talk too much
- how NOT to kiss a bartender while on a date
- how NOT to fart and drunkenly announce it to your date
- how NOT to drink a jug of wine before your date so that you are soooo sufficiently buzzed at dinner you insist on ordering in Spanish
- how NOT to have multiple pics of your ex and you making out on your desk when your date comes back to your place

- What the fuck is wrong with people? You go on a date to have fun, to get to know the person. Unfortunately with me "fun" means nastiness and "getting to know me" means nastiness. I am sorry but in the past all of the dates that I haven't hooked up on meant one thing...No second date. Maybe I should wrap my gentle man puppet with razor wire? But the truth is that, in Gaylandia, people hook up on first dates. Maybe I am emotionally retarded and feel that my genitalia makes up for a lack of intelligence. Is it possible for me to go on a date and leave my dick at home? So far no. All of my past relationships that I have been in started with a "bang". Shit, I really liked this guy, I can still see his handprints in my window.

- Alright, I am off to find my passport, which for some reason I threw out of my window last night into the bushes while in the "heat" of this apparently non-moment.

Computeretarded

2006-01-11T18:41:00.000-05:00

- yeah so I decided to change the background on my blog...needless to say i lost the links to all the blogs that I check daily...so apologies to everyone on my list....

Hunter
Kia
Toby
Damon
Bradford
Andy
Ann Marie
Jamie
Trent

- I will try to remedy this shit asap

Ain't no stopping the Cornelius...

2006-01-11T17:54:00.000-05:00

Nothing much going on today...except for my first date in 4 months!!!!! So here's a picture of a handicap doggie, enjoy!!!

All tarted up like daddy's little whore...

2006-01-10T23:22:00.000-05:00

- Well tomorrow marks my official re-entre into the clusterfuck known as DC's gay dating scene. I have moisturized, exfoliated, given myself a gay ole facial (not that type you sick fucks) and picked up my lucky shirt from the nice lady at the drycleaners, who wished me good luck. I really hope I have a good time, the guy seems very nice, a set-up by a mutual friend. But momma's internal clock is tick tick ticking away, Cornelius wants his Logan Circle condo, scotty dog and Martha Stewart holiday celibrations with our blended families. Wish me luck hoes!

There's no "R" in Alabama....

2006-01-10T00:09:00.000-05:00

- So I went to my local bar, McFadden's (total shithole, lot of trash from Gaithersburg there, but one of the bartenders is a mo so I get free beer) and this girl randomly starts hitting on me. I casually brush her off saying I am just here for a drink and to catch up with my friend the bartender. Well, lordy lordy, hoe brings all the hood rats in her posse over to us and starts asking me why I am being rude to her. I tell her that I did not mean to be rude to her but (drunkenly slurred) I was trying to hook up with the bartender. Her eyes light up. She wants some gay dick. She goes on for about an hour on how pussy is better than dick, and how titties = MC (squared). I don't fucking give a shit and I think she can tell. The bitch then asks me where I am from. I tell her the south, southern Maryland. Oh she was not happy. Apparently the Mason-Dixon Line means nothing to her and she tells me that she is from "Alerbamer" with a twang that only can be the result of multiple tequilla shots and generations of inbreeding and hair bleach. I tell her that there is no "R" in Alabama. She tells me to go fuck myself. I tell her to spell "Alabama". A-L-A-B-E-M-A. I thanked the bartender for my beer, and quickly stumbled home.

Cornelius is soooooo gay...

2006-01-09T21:56:00.000-05:00

- How gay is he?? He made his own Shake 'n Bake mix because he was drunk at the grocery store and bought 10 pounds of chicken yet...no shake and bake, even though he did manage to pick up another $7 jug 'o wine from Watergate Liquors.

Recipe:
Breadcrumbs, or stale bread totally smashed to pieces
Old Bay (me rikey crabs)
Some red Indian spice your roommate had in the spice cabinet
Fresh cracked pepper (to obtain freshly cracked black pepper, take whole pepper corns, put in ziplock, proceed to beat with bible that crazy religious Aunt gave you Christmas '02)
Garlic salt
Dried Cilantro

Place chicken breast into large ziploc bag then pour in "Sassy Spice" mix, close ziploc, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, ohhhhh ohh, shake it like a polaroid picture, place coated chicken on pan previously sprayed with Pam, cook at 450 for 20 minutes. Eat the chicken titty, throw it up into your toilet then blog about it.

Love
Betty Cocklover

CHOO CHOO, ALL ABOARD THE TRANNY TRAIN!!!

2006-01-09T16:50:00.000-05:00

- Next stop, FIERCENESS!!!! So all y'all know that I luhrve me some trannies. Not in a sexual way, but they embody the holy trinity of sass, class, and five 'o clock shadows that makes me giggle like a little girl. Because of my educational interests, I have had the opportunity to become friends with a handful of pre and post op transexual and a few transgender people. These people have definitely enriched my life in countless ways and make me all warm in my heart ect ect. The thing is, I have never really run into a trans person (that is openly not passing) outside of class or clubs. Well today my children, while on the metro, I (along with the rest of the 8am commuters towards Capital Hill) got treated to a ONE, TWO, SNAP! Performance by the sassiest "lady" in existence (think of her as a cross between Star Jones and the crackhead character on "The Chapelle Show, with a Hello Kitty mini bookbag). I am pretty sure she was coming down from an all night meth binge in Virginia or something of similar craziness. Girl...Worked...It...Out. I think I was the only one on the train that didn't attempt to call 911. I took out my earbuds and encouraged her by laughing hysterically, one other (crazy/high/fierce tranny herself?) woman at the other end of the car chanted WALK WALK WALK. Not only did she treat us to a runway stalk, not walk, that could put the bitches on America's Next Top Model to shame, but she sang as well (gotta start practicing for "Tranny Idol" methinks). This little show went on for 3 stops, on a packed train, standing room only, until we reached L'Enfant Plaza and bitch took off. She ran right up the escalator and out of my heart. Trannies on the Metro...Ahhh I am gonna miss DC.

- BTW, one of my readers asked me what the group FANNYPACK that I mentioned in my other post sounded like. My response is imagine a troupe of sassy, pregnant, slutty, short skirt, no bras, babies dressed in Louis Vuitton in strollers on the sideline, Schlitz malt liquor guzzling cheerleaders at practice, they would make up routines to FANNYPACK songs

It's manna from heaven, Map manna...

2006-01-09T00:53:00.000-05:00

OHHHHH 148 Bleecker, how I miss thee (I lived there 3 years ago)

- OK, so I'll be the first to admit it, I can be a big tard when it comes to using directions, especially when I am not a local. Case in point, when I was in NYC over new years, trying to find my friend's place in the West 80's, it was like looking for a (pre-war classic 6 with marble kitchen) needle in a haystack. My friend told me I would have no prob getting to his place, he also ignored my plea to provide me with a physical description of his building, I don't care if you take me by my hand and lead me to a certain address that I am supposed to be at, I will go all Helen Keller on your ass and try to get into the building next door. When arranging for me to come over to your place, please tell me if there is an awning, or if it is brick, or if you have a crackhead that's always outside, the visuals make me arriving to your place hella easier....Well chil'rens, because Jesus is my total BFF he intelligently designed / immaculately concieved PROPERTY SHARK!!!!! It kicks Google Earth's sloppy ass. All you have to do if you want to find the place you are going to is typey typey your little destination into this search engine and bitches, it gives a map and a mutha fuckin picture of the building. It makes giving directions to the hairless Filipino tranny you met at Avalon a much less traumatic cab ride/ stumble to your sinful, dirty love nest...(sorry all y'all DC sluts, it's only for NYC locations so far)

http://www.propertyshark.com/mason/Docs/photos.html

You are what you google....

2006-01-08T20:30:00.000-05:00

- Some of my more recent google searches, I swear I am not this fucked up...just curious.

apartments in new york city
life of a rentboy
life of a kept boy
Chelsea boys
gay mafia
Beige at B-Bar
Jay Hernandez
West Wing
"Are You Being Served?"
BBC America
"Keeping Up Appearances"
Hillary Clinton
The gay guy from Real World Chicago
Gay Hamptons
Gay Fire Island
Fire Island summer shares
Easy Korean recipes
Korean grocery stores in DC
Kim chee
Nutritional value of Kim Chee
Avian Flu
The link between SARS and vitamin C
Columbia Law
NYU Law

- So apparently I will be a NY trained law student that has sex with men in the gay mafia for tuition on Fire Island while eating Korean food and watching britcoms...yup seems right to me.

That is why...I am geisha...

2006-01-08T01:37:00.000-05:00

- Went and saw HOSTEL tonight with Frank the spank. BITCHES I ALMOST VOMITED. So a little background, Frank and I met at this great place in Chinatown called Matchbox and I had a crazy amazing steak salad. This restaurant is sooo good, and all the patrons looked like those hot dads you used to spank it to in middle school in the J.Crew and LL Bean catalogs (of course they were homos). After dinner, where we sat between, I kid you not, a midget on a date and a drunk kid that spilled his drink all over himself and the floor, we headed over to the theater to get us some tickets. This place is one of those theaters where people like to talk back to the screen, so I knew this ultra bloody film was gonna elicit a few "OH GUUURL, GURL GET THE GUN", "GURL DON'T GO IN THERE". Turns out, it was my gay ass screaming that shit. This movie is fucking nutzo. It is the bloodiest films i have ever seen, bloodier than the "Here Comes Baby" show on the health channel. I threw-up...a little...in my mouth. The best part however, is Mr. Jay Hernandez, who happens to look like my ex. Jay makes getting your fingers cut off dead sexy. So the theatre was packed and Frank makes friends with the sassy black girls sitting next to us. Throughout the film, at each stomach churrning scene, the girls, Frank and I try to out snap each other. The winning comment (from me of course) was when an asian girl gets her eyeball all fucked up, while the rest of the the theater inhales in silent gasps, my fierce ass shouts out "That is why....I am geisha". Frank peed himself, I should really be on VH1.

Now is this Katherine's boy....

2006-01-07T16:07:00.000-05:00

- My Me-maw just called me and wanted me to send some pics of myself to show her lady friends at the rich, old, white people club. Since she gave my name to my Aunt Marlena Belle in our family secret santa (I got Lisa Frank dolphin stationary) i decided to take some pics of me in a worn out wifebeater and a jug of $6 wine...

- This is a pic of my friend riding me like a pony

- This is a pic of my friend Cha Cha, she's a lesbian, and black.

Enjoy!!
Cornelius

Umm, cause that's how I roll

2006-01-07T14:57:00.000-05:00

-Cornelius, what did you do last night?
Drank, got a falafel, tried to explain the movie PARTY GIRL to a gangbanger, made a new friend (see gangbanger)

-Cornelius, what are you doing right now?
Watching Dr. 90210 (on mute), drinking warm chablis, dancing around my apartment to Ace of Base

-Cornelius, what do you plan on doing tonight?
Adopting/kidnapping a kid, drinking, acting a hot mess, becoming famous

- BTW, my new favorite band is FANNYPACK. Where else can you hear a trio of Brooklyn girls spit dope lyrics like "I bring grams to the crackers like s'mores" and "eat a Big Mac and go to hell"? (OK so the last one is not a rhyme, but I got my mother to say it to my father over christmas). I highly suggest you let your cab driver listen to them on your ipod while he is driving you home from work.

All of them???

2006-01-06T21:51:00.000-05:00

- Recently on the phone to a dear friend who lives in NYC. I was lamenting on my newly single status and the dirth of dateable men in the district. I mean (not to brag, but then again i am gay) but i am a hot, intelligent, funny guy and it seems that the men that are attracted to me don't do that much for me, below the belt that is. I live in the 37th most dynamic city in the world, right behind Sacramento, and yet another Friday night, another night of drinking a $7 jug of wine and watching cops. I just can't wait to get out this place, Dc is uber dynamic, I realize that, but bitches, it sucks being single, especially during winter when all I want to do is watch Little Britain and snuggle under a blanket with my gay / closeted guy from Arlington lover. Anyway, not a very fun post but in closing, my friend tacked my complaints on the lack of hot and available guys on the fact that I have either fucked or dated all of them in DC, including the poor ones. I guess I need to start widening my friendster search to include Rockville...

Cause y'all know I likes me some greens

2006-01-04T20:50:00.000-05:00

Dear Watergate Safeway,

Please stock Glory Foods Greens back into your store. Not only do they provide essential nutrients and act as a natural laxative, but bitches, they be tastey up in my face piece. Hailing from the South, I feel that the regional representation of southern quisine is lacking. Having Hooter's wings and hominy is not enough!!! WE WANT OUR GREENS!!!! I totes love your store even though it is the size of my closet. You have the hottest checkout boys in DC.

Love that's great and piss that's clean, me love me some collard greens,
Cornelius

Reason #359 why I am moving to NYC

2006-01-04T20:10:00.000-05:00

- Where else can you see a FIERCE tranny steal lipstick away from a toddler and proceed to paint her titties with it???? Lemme tell you, not in DC. (Dupont included)

To see the fierceness click here, I warn you, it is not safe to open it at work, but make sure you have your volume up, FAB!!!!
http://davidlachapelle.com/videos/index.shtml (scroll down to the "short MAC instore movie" with the pic of lips)

Lets play a game...

2006-01-03T02:37:00.000-05:00

- Which one of these Redskinettes did I use to bang in high school? HINT: She's wearing red, and her dad is a millionaire and she got a 960 on her S.A.T's

Heart,
Cornelius

You like my sense of style...And brand new nose

2006-01-03T00:41:00.000-05:00

- So my friend (who shall remain nameless) called me tonight. She lives in L.A. is currently dating one of the top plastic surgeons in the country and he just offered her a free operation. Bowing to the crack-ass standard of beauty that our society had in it's carb starved mind, she is seriously considering this major operation. She called me because she knows that I myself have dated a plastic surgeon and wants my opinion on this offer. I told her that I was never offered a free operation by my ex and that she should dump her current beau. Why??? Who should date anyone that suggest an operation? Are we not good enough on first sight to satiate our significant other plastic surgeon or not? This friend is an absolutely gorgeous woman. It's not the suggestion of her mate that concerns me...It's the lasting effects, everyday, even even if she doesn't stay with this toolbag, what will she remember when someone compliments her on her chest, or nose, or smile? Aren't we, flawed tits and all beautiful people? Why would someone want to date us in the first place? Is it possible to have medical malpractice of the heart??? She took the rhinoplasty

HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!!

2006-01-02T16:20:00.000-05:00

I went to NYC for New Years, hilarity and awesomeness ensued....

- To get to the city, I decided to take the Chinatown bus from DC. Lemme tell ya, that thing is a post laxative shithole. It was supposed to arrive at 8, so you have to get there by 7:30, the fucking shit-mobile pulled up at 9:30. Not only did this put me behind in my schedule of general debauchery, but my toes, nose, finger and wang were frozen, if I was to accidently hit something with my crotch, my gentle bits would have shattered into a million pieces right there on 15th street. The one upside was watching the JAPPY girls try to fit all their 400 Louis vuitton bags onto the bus, and having the driver telling them they couldn't take them, so they got left. Peace out JAP-scout.

- Got into the city, met up and had some grub with a friend. He only had a little bit of time and I didn't want to inconvenience him so we met at Equinox in Chelsea, which is this crazy high-end gym / cafe / store / celeb hangout. I had already grabbed a slice of pizza from Lombardi's my fave pizza place in the city, so it was tough trying to force down the AMAZING ahi salad that he ordered for me. While eating who do we run into??? FELICITY aka Miss Keri Russell. I know I enjoy the wieners but gurl is hot bananas. She was sooo nice and apparently was friends by association with my dining partner so she stopped and chatted with us for a while, She is so bubbly and I told her that I watch the re-runs of her show on Lifetime, she was so excited people actually watched it (apparently the royalty deal must have not been that sweet, she didn't know that people actually watched it anymore). She excused herself and went to workout while we finished out meal and headed our separate ways. I had a couple of hours to burn before I was slated to head out to Queens via the Long Island Railroad to visit my Faux Girlfriend, Cool Sarah, so I walked around the village and stopped by my old apartment that I lived in 3 years ago. Everything I get below Bleeker, I go all nostalgic. The sights, noise, smells, people...It all puts me in an amazing mood.

- Stopped by Washington Square Park. This place is always one of the highlights of my visits to the city. I hang out there for at least an hour everything I am in town. With it's combo of street performers, crack addicts, and hot NYU students are low carb/high pleasure combo. While in the park I always hang out in the little fenced off dog park area. It is fucking crazy in that place. Little dogs dressed in their little gucci vests that they unwrapped on Christmas prance around, sniff butts, and hump without a care. Owners socialize and catch up on their doggies latest visit to the vet, while I run around the park like a crackhead playing with their dogs. Last time I was there, this one dog refused to let any of the other dogs play with me, he totally monopolized my time and who does his owner turn out to be....Janine Garafelo...fucking sweet man.

- While walking back uptown on Fifth Ave. I am about to cross the street when I see this gorgeous woman strolling in my direction. Tall, lithe, flowing blond hair, cute bag. As I get closer, I make eye contact. Who does it turn out to be???? AUSTIN MOTHERFUCKING SCARLETT!!!!! I immediately get all adoring fan on him and mention my friend who he went to design school with. What does the bitch do? Looks me up and down glibly squeeks, "That's great" and prances on his merry way. Total Let-down, I love me some Miss Scarlett but drop the attitude, it's us crazy Project Runway fags that are the only ones that recognize you, so give us some love before we take all your lipglosses away sucka.

- So after my half-day of fun in the village, I headed uptown to Penn Station to catch a train out to Queens to visit my sweet Sarah. Now I am a huge fan of public transportation, but the Long Island Railroad takes the cake, super clean, easy to figure out, and bitches, you can drink on the choo choo. I wish I would have known that, it would have made missing my stop a lot more fun. When I finally arrived in Queens, My friend picked me up from the station and we set off on a jet-set adventure around the Kingdom of Fran-Drescheria. We Hit a great pizza place, perused the racks at Loehman's (a girls best friend) and soaked up the majesty that is Roosevelt Field Mall. This mall is nutzo. It's like the Greek system of Uni of Maryland threw up in there. It was a magical land of retail inhabited by JAPPY hoes and Carmine Gotti look-alikes. It took every fiber in my being not to break out a "Oh no you didn't" on some of these people. C'mon Uggs and a miniskirt when it's snowing outside? Spikey gelled hair and wifebeaters under a Northface jacket??? I would have been cut like a mo-fo.

- So finally I get to NEW YEARS!!! I head back into the city and meet up with my brother and his fiance at the glamorous Hudson hotel. This hotel is fucking amazing. My bro and his girlie were in the city to attend this big party hosted by Carson Daly (barf) and they wanted me to stop by to take advantage of the open bar with them. Well after a few V and T's I was ready to head uptown to my friends place for my big night. The party was fuckin sweet. It was thrown in this sweet apartment with a wraparound terrace that I stayed out on all night despite the freezing weather. After the ball dropped my friend and I headed downtown to a club called XL. Like everything in NYC, this place blew me away. Everyone in NY is hot, everyone was incredibly nice to me, people are amazing. After the club I crashed back at my friend's place, and drifted off to a delightful slumber dreaming of the most dynamic city in the world.

Have an AMAZING 2006 bitches. See ya on the flipside.

Christmas crackwhore / holiday humper

2005-12-21T16:34:00.000-05:00

- I don't know if anyone else's family has this little holiday tradition, but with my family (10 aunts and uncles, 27 cousins) everyone sends a letter of what they want for Christmas to the matriarchs of our families, Me-maw (Maternal grandmother, waspy dowager who openly tells other cousins that I am her favorite) and Gran (Fraternal grandmother, sassy southern debutante, past her prime, cusses like a sailor). They look over the collective letters and then assign secret santas. Well it seems that every fucking year Me-Maw likes to fuck up my holiday vibe by giving my name to my aunt Marlena Belle (crazy racist / southern Baptist with adopted home-schooled Mexican child / hugs nephews for inappropriately too long / married to fat investment banker that HEARTS Christ). I usually get a fucking bible (past two years) or spicy apple cider mix (Christmas '00). We have a limit of $50 for secret Santa gifts, her past presents cost what, a handjob, church robbery, 3 minutes in the kitchen? So these shitty gifts aren't the best part though, she encloses a fucking home-made paper letter telling me that she donated the leftover $47.30 or whatever she didn't shell out on my gift to the Baptist ministries. Fucking whore. So to curtail her and the rest of my deranged family off this year, I have written this letter to my Me-maw...
---------------------------------------------------------

Me-maw,
It's Cornelius, How have you been. I have some finals coming up but besides that everything is great. I really enjoyed seeing you at Thanksgiving and miss you while I am here in the city. Thank-you for showing Caroline, Henry and I around the "London of your twenties". I still can't get over how much Caroline has grown. Pretty soon she will be joining me here in D.C. I have some friends at Georgetown that are going to show her around when she starts in the fall...and I will keep an eye on her, like Thomas did on me, hahaha. Well here is my annual Wish List, and I know you are going to give my name to aunt Marlena Belle, so make sure you pay attention to my gift ideas...

NO BIBLES, I have 3

NO "Staying Christian in College Guides", she gave me one for graduation

NO DONATIONS TO THE BAPTIST CHURCH, I know that it may sound rude of me to request this, but I feel that her donations go towards her betterment, not mine and those in the gay community.

NO ART SETS, please tell her that I don't have room or time to paint.

NO HOME-MADE BAKED GOODS, again she is taking the easy way out and her church is benefiting.

On the otherhand, I would like...

MONEY
STARBUCKS GIFT CARDS
I-TUNES GIFT CARD (she can get it at the Apple store in Annapolis)
MONEY!!!!

I understand that she feels I need the gifts that she gives me, but I feel bad when I never use them and they end up collecting dust on my shelves. Please give this list to her.

Well I have to go finish some last minute shopping, can't wait to see you on the 25th,
Cornelius

P.S. thanks for the Christmas card, Nish really liked the picture too.

--------------------------------------------------------

- We'll see how this all unfolds this weekend...Does my grandmother enjoy torturing me or will she listen to my list like the good old bitch she is?