Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Another Childhood Story....

- So I have been feeling pretty shitty the past weeks, hence me not posting regularly, hell I post about as regularly as a 90 year old's bowel movements. So once again, I lay prostrate, at your feet, begging for forgiveness, and offer another glimpse into my fucked up childhood. Sit back and enjoy...Shenanigan: My Retarded Puppy.

- Growing up on a farm, I had the opportunity to have a whole shitload of pets, from a horse with an eating disorder, to a really gay goose that attacked women and tried to hump all the men it saw, Cornelius was a modern day Noah, minus the beard and ability to talk to God and stuff. Of course, being an American family we had our requisite family dog. First we had Toto, which my brothers and I called "Toto Mandingo" because he looked like Toto from the Wizard of Oz, but had a red rocket that could make a Clydesdale blush, it's a wonder he didn't fall down more often. We have also had Smokey, my older brother's dog that lived with us. Smokey tried to commit suicide on numerous occasions by forgetting that she didn't know how to swim but she still insisted on jumping into large bodies of water to fetch what I can only guess were imaginary sticks that the angels were throwing, my dad chalked her Kurt Cobain-ish zest for life to the fact that my older brother kept her on an exclusive diet of lite beer and cat food. After Smoky succeeded in making it to that doghouse in the sky, my dad brought home Shenanigan. My father had gone to a fundraiser for a "Save the Chesapeake Bay" foundation and bid on a baby black lab in a raffle, he won. Apparently, the puppy is like the fucking Prince William of the Black Lab community and his father was like Brad Pitt and his mom was like Princess fucking Grace or some shit. So the dog being all purebred and pedigreed, had a name that was like Well we shortened that shit to Shenanigan, or Shana. Little did we know that the precious little ball of black fur that laid curled on my mom's lap would turn out to be the Corky from "Life Goes On" of our family. Symptoms of her retarded skull being occupied by nothing but an even more retarded dusty rag surfaced when we took her for a checkup at the vet's and he told us she had the equivalent of doggy mental retardation, he went even further saying that Shenanigan should have been put to sleep when she was born. Should the fact that all four of her legs were totally different lengths or the fact that she never got larger than the size of a small dufflebag have been a red flag??? Well, being total animal lovers, my family was like "Hell to the No", we took Shenanigan home and treated her just like our very own Rose Kennedy. We let Shenanigan have full run of the farm, she would go and visit the horses, eat their oats and straw, go off and sunbathe on the highway that was 2 miles from our house, only to be returned by someone thinking that she had already been hit by a car because she acted so strange. It wasn't a well spent day until she had run at least 20 times into the electrical fence near the horse barn that could kill a small child. I always thought it was the doggy equivalent of sniffing permanent markers. This was in my "Cornelius thinks he's a witch" period, so sadly, I would watch her get electrocuted and "pretend I had put a safety charm over her so she wouldn't die", which I thought was actually working, little did I know that because of her fucked up body and nervous system, she had no sense of touch in her front part of her body, hence her repeated tangos with the fence. One of her favorite past times was licking her reflection. Anywhere, it didn't matter if it was a glass door, a puddle of antifreeze on the garage floor, or the shiny fender of a car whizzing by at 50 miles per hour, bitch needed a lick of some vitamin Shenanigan. (Sidenote: because she was retarded and never seemed to get hurt or anything, my brothers and I used to encourage her to eat everything. One time, my older brother fed her like $3 in quarters and let her chug a liter of Mountain Dew, Bitch was crazy) This licking game started to become slightly more dangerous though when she started to go blind and her 4 uneven legs got doggy arthritis. She got hit by cars more often, not seriously but more like she chased a car, the driver saw her in their rear view mirror, they slam to a stop, Shenanigan would slam her little Helen Keller ass into the rear bumper because her "Spidey Sense" was a tiddle bit off. Methinks she needs that girl's helmet in my previous post. Her blindness really started to affect her one autumn, and one day, when my younger brother went to her usually haunts to try to find her, he noticed she was nowhere to be found. Shenanigan was gone. My parent's tried to console us but we were all emotional wrecks, just the image of a little retarded blind dog with 4 uneven little retarded legs all alone in the world made us sob like little bitches. Shenanigan body was found later that winter partly frozen into the bank of the Patuxent River behind our house by a neighbor. Apparently she must have been walking (retardedly, of course) along the bank and died and the high tide had sort of preserved her. We went and ice-picked her body from nature's cruel grasp and decided to give her a proper burial. The only thing was, is that it was in January, and the ground was frozen solid, so she was only 2 feet under instead of 6. Our new dog Bella (who wasn't retarded) dug her up the following spring and left her in the driveway, right where she had used to love to lick her reflection, Shenanigan had come full circle.


At 6:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I laughed so hard. Funniest shit I've read in awhile. She's probably having a grand time up in Doggy Heaven. Hopefully, they're short on electrical fences.

At 11:05 AM, Anonymous Captain Peecock said...

CornDog!, you're quite the retarded puppy yerself, aren'tcha! Me want! Me want!

I'm back in town after a brief jaunt down they say down south. My tented briefs are ready fer more lurid and lusty tales of delicious, delectable urban-style man-love! Pics, man, pics! I want to glance upon that cherubic, angelic face of yours, full knowing that that mask of innocence you wear for the camera shields innocents such as myself from the potent force of your scurrilous, scandalous carnal desires!

Say hello to HRH Lady Benjamina. Me rikey Pan Asian!


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