Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Another Childhood Story....

- So I have been feeling pretty shitty the past weeks, hence me not posting regularly, hell I post about as regularly as a 90 year old's bowel movements. So once again, I lay prostrate, at your feet, begging for forgiveness, and offer another glimpse into my fucked up childhood. Sit back and enjoy...Shenanigan: My Retarded Puppy.

- Growing up on a farm, I had the opportunity to have a whole shitload of pets, from a horse with an eating disorder, to a really gay goose that attacked women and tried to hump all the men it saw, Cornelius was a modern day Noah, minus the beard and ability to talk to God and stuff. Of course, being an American family we had our requisite family dog. First we had Toto, which my brothers and I called "Toto Mandingo" because he looked like Toto from the Wizard of Oz, but had a red rocket that could make a Clydesdale blush, it's a wonder he didn't fall down more often. We have also had Smokey, my older brother's dog that lived with us. Smokey tried to commit suicide on numerous occasions by forgetting that she didn't know how to swim but she still insisted on jumping into large bodies of water to fetch what I can only guess were imaginary sticks that the angels were throwing, my dad chalked her Kurt Cobain-ish zest for life to the fact that my older brother kept her on an exclusive diet of lite beer and cat food. After Smoky succeeded in making it to that doghouse in the sky, my dad brought home Shenanigan. My father had gone to a fundraiser for a "Save the Chesapeake Bay" foundation and bid on a baby black lab in a raffle, he won. Apparently, the puppy is like the fucking Prince William of the Black Lab community and his father was like Brad Pitt and his mom was like Princess fucking Grace or some shit. So the dog being all purebred and pedigreed, had a name that was like Well we shortened that shit to Shenanigan, or Shana. Little did we know that the precious little ball of black fur that laid curled on my mom's lap would turn out to be the Corky from "Life Goes On" of our family. Symptoms of her retarded skull being occupied by nothing but an even more retarded dusty rag surfaced when we took her for a checkup at the vet's and he told us she had the equivalent of doggy mental retardation, he went even further saying that Shenanigan should have been put to sleep when she was born. Should the fact that all four of her legs were totally different lengths or the fact that she never got larger than the size of a small dufflebag have been a red flag??? Well, being total animal lovers, my family was like "Hell to the No", we took Shenanigan home and treated her just like our very own Rose Kennedy. We let Shenanigan have full run of the farm, she would go and visit the horses, eat their oats and straw, go off and sunbathe on the highway that was 2 miles from our house, only to be returned by someone thinking that she had already been hit by a car because she acted so strange. It wasn't a well spent day until she had run at least 20 times into the electrical fence near the horse barn that could kill a small child. I always thought it was the doggy equivalent of sniffing permanent markers. This was in my "Cornelius thinks he's a witch" period, so sadly, I would watch her get electrocuted and "pretend I had put a safety charm over her so she wouldn't die", which I thought was actually working, little did I know that because of her fucked up body and nervous system, she had no sense of touch in her front part of her body, hence her repeated tangos with the fence. One of her favorite past times was licking her reflection. Anywhere, it didn't matter if it was a glass door, a puddle of antifreeze on the garage floor, or the shiny fender of a car whizzing by at 50 miles per hour, bitch needed a lick of some vitamin Shenanigan. (Sidenote: because she was retarded and never seemed to get hurt or anything, my brothers and I used to encourage her to eat everything. One time, my older brother fed her like $3 in quarters and let her chug a liter of Mountain Dew, Bitch was crazy) This licking game started to become slightly more dangerous though when she started to go blind and her 4 uneven legs got doggy arthritis. She got hit by cars more often, not seriously but more like she chased a car, the driver saw her in their rear view mirror, they slam to a stop, Shenanigan would slam her little Helen Keller ass into the rear bumper because her "Spidey Sense" was a tiddle bit off. Methinks she needs that girl's helmet in my previous post. Her blindness really started to affect her one autumn, and one day, when my younger brother went to her usually haunts to try to find her, he noticed she was nowhere to be found. Shenanigan was gone. My parent's tried to console us but we were all emotional wrecks, just the image of a little retarded blind dog with 4 uneven little retarded legs all alone in the world made us sob like little bitches. Shenanigan body was found later that winter partly frozen into the bank of the Patuxent River behind our house by a neighbor. Apparently she must have been walking (retardedly, of course) along the bank and died and the high tide had sort of preserved her. We went and ice-picked her body from nature's cruel grasp and decided to give her a proper burial. The only thing was, is that it was in January, and the ground was frozen solid, so she was only 2 feet under instead of 6. Our new dog Bella (who wasn't retarded) dug her up the following spring and left her in the driveway, right where she had used to love to lick her reflection, Shenanigan had come full circle.

He's making a list...

- Remember children, Christmas is only a few months away. What are you asking Santa for?

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Trim Food Poisoning Spa Baby!!!

- Went to the beach house this past weekend. SUCKED MY DONG. Little did i know that my so called weekend of relaxation was to be marred by the presence of my fucking satanic evil devil cousins. They aren't really my cousins, they are the 3 sons of my cousin, but here in the south we call everyone cousin, that or auntie. Anygay, these little shitstains proceed to not only break a sliding glass door, but also decided to play a fun game called "Bite Cousin Cornelius When He is Passed Out Due To Overconsumption of Vodka". I have bite marks all over my body, it's rather disgusting. It looked like i lost a sexually charged game of twister with Marv Albet, Mike Tyson and Saly Struthers (She's a biter too, y'know). God help me if I decide to have sexual contact with anyone before these things heal...I saw them in the mirror and i was definatley the lead in a Lifetime movie co-starring Tyne Daily and Judith Light. But to top me getting cannibalized this weekend, CoCo got himself some food poisoning. Bad News: I vomited in my hair and into my cupped hands and then threw it out of my window onto ecologically sensitive seashore...Good News: I lost 8 pounds, and my neck and shoulder muscles have never looked more toned. My Mom warned me I shouldn't have eaten that Sushi from the Truck Stop in Virgina...but it looked so good, and $2.50 for 2 California rolls??? I had to have it. Ohhhh and it being bitten and having mouth abortions all weekend wasn't as lollypops and rainbows as everyone may imagine, My car (actually my brother's which i am now driving for cas conservation of course) decided to die on me, at aforementioned truck stop of sushi death. I had to whore it up to a lady with a grand total teeth count matched her IQ so she would find someone to put in a new battery for me. Fuck this weekend, Fuck redneck sushi, FUCK MY COUSINS (waste of sperm) and Fuck You!!

Here are some funny French and Saunders sketches.....

Friday, September 08, 2006

Shit in one hand...cock in another.

- I think that's how the "olde timey" saying goes, but anyway it is an apt description of the way i feel and the dilemma i am faced with. While minding my own business, sipping some tea this past Wednesday, my cell being the total finger counter, didn't screen the call and picked it up. It was my ex...the old one...that bought me a puppy...and stole it back...and killed a baby (just kidding, i think).

The ex with his baby doll "Chevrolet".

He was very cordial and asked me how life was going, blah blah blah. Bitch must have been on some Bolivian marching powder cause "coo coo for crack rocks" did not shut up. He basically said he called because he was finishing unpacking his photos and pictures into his new condo (which is glass bottle chucking distance from Lady Benjamina's apartment) and stumbled (more like used as an erotic aide) upon a picture of me and MY puppy that he had taken by a professional photographer many months ago. He said it warmed the cancerous lump in his chest he calls a "heart' and wanted to know if I was interested in "Still being friends with him". Erm...B'scuse me?? "Friends"?? "Friends"?? If by friends he means, would i be interested in tricking him into trusting me and then throwing all his suits into a bathtub and lighting it on fire a la "Waiting to Exhale" while he is out purchasing me a new nose and chin...then yes. If he means, would i be willing to sit on the phone all night with him gabbing about his latest 12 year old hairless Slovenian conquest and having "Girl Parties" watching muther fucking Bridget Jones and eating fucking brownies...then he can take his dick, numb it with an icecube, snip it off, bend over, and shove it up his ass, he can go fuck himself. Gabbing about sex is reserved for Miss Christy and Lady Benjamina, and this blog. I did however agree to meet up with him next weekend at Zengo's (which is my favorite place) to get drinks, his treat of course, and then head to JR's where a sauced up Lady Ben will be waiting to steal his keys so we can go liberate my puppy. Who's up for joining us???

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Metro Weekly WATCH: Tranny-Tastic!!!

For some strange reason, my gay internal clock is off by...erm..let's say a week, it's all this goddamn country air and absence of crime that has my body fucked out of whack. So this weeks MWW is from last weeks, who really fucking cares after all, tragedy is tragedy is tragedy. Enjoy!

- "Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Aaron Nevil with a meth addiction.."

- Tony, Toni, To-nay!

- Looks like someone slapped some lipgloss on diabetes and took it to a club.

- "It's Liza with a Z muthafuckas!"

- "I may have been born just plain white trash, but Fancy is-a my name!" or "Annie Get Your Dildo".

- Malan Breton + Lil' Kim = This Child

- Ace Young from American Idol and his manager, Muttonchops McPussyrash.

- Spot the floating head, Spot the Tranny, Spot the child mollestor, Spot the crappy highlighted hair.

- I wonder who paid for those beverages???? Hurrrmmmmm??

- MY favorite gay couple Suprised Latino and Fart Sniffer.

Cheers Queers