Tuesday, August 29, 2006

METRO WEEKLY WATCH: GAY FACE ALERT EDITION!!!!

So this is my first MWW in a long ass time, so to celebrate this momentous occasion, I am posting pictures and captions that relate to a serious problem that 8 out of 10 fags in the DC metro area suffer from…GAY FACE. National spokesperson for GAY FACE ALLEVIATION GROUP (G’FAG) Clay Aiken told me (whilst we were pillow talking after our last clandestine brown love session at the local Motel 8) that GAY FACE is caused when one person has soo much glitter-gay gayishness bottled up in their hairless gay little bodies that the autonuerological response from the body is a contortion of the face, resulting in a facial appearance somewhere between Joan Crawford and a retarded puppy proud of himself for just taking a wiz on the pee-pee pad. The most common observed symptoms are the…

BABY’S CONFUSED DISORDER (Below) – This symptom is the one most often gone unnoticed until it matures into GF. It is a simple glazing of the eyes like one has just smelled one’s own fart or watched a “Very Special Episode of Blossom” (y’know, the one where she gets all raped and shit), blank slating of the face and usually accompanied with blond highlights and an ironic t-shirt such as “Sorry Girls, I suck Dick” or ”You Looked Hotter on Myspace” or posing as a coverboy for MetroWeekly. Now when diagnosing persons afflicted with BCD, make sure that they aren’t actual real life retarded folks, if you go around diagnosing “touched in the head” folks, people are either gonna call the cops or give you a medical degree. The most promising fact about BCD is that is can be cured before is morphs into full blown GF by turning off Hillary Duff music playing in subject’s ear buds and placing a copy of “Advanced Sociological Hierarchy of the Bourbon Court” by Guillume Vichion, into their gay, slow, little paws. If subject has a fit owing to the fact that he cannot read or pretends not to read, just tell subject it is about “fierce parties in Paris, yeah, like totally royal circuit parties”. This will pique their curiosity and once the brain processes the data the eye is taking in, BCD is almost certainly cured.


GRINDMEJUNKE (Below) – This is one of the most recognizable symptoms of GF. Subjects can be observed grinding their “Junk” (also called “rubbing me baby making bits”) on the rear and back locale of another subject’s body. Sometimes however, when GF is in its most severe stages, in absence of a body to rub against, subjects have been know to attach their nether regions to bars, poles, pool cues, grocery carts, speakers and most horrible of all…local DJ’s. Grindmejunke is non-curable and usually fatal for the simple reason that sufferers end up “banging their baby makers” on violent people, or moving vehicles.


ARCHED EYEBROW (Below) – This is an effect of watching one too many episodes of “Designing Women” and memorizing Delta Burke a.k.a. Suzanne Sugarbaker’s every fucking facial expression. The arched eyebrow is most common when trying to seduce the evening’s bun for the evening’s hotdog. To prevent arched eyebrow, stop shaving your crotch, and quit TIVOing Lifetime, you fucking poof.


DIVA DOWNS a.k.a. DRAG QUEEN DROPSY (Below) – This symptom manifests itself when one has ingested one too many “Girlfriend” drinks (girlfriend drinks consist of any drink that a sassy black woman would order at a bar while she is out with her girlfriends, hence the name). After a certain amount of these are imbibed and the subject is exposed to any vocal heavy diva dance remix, subject begins to place hands on hips, take on a sassy attitude whilst conversing with acquaintances (that he renames Mo’Nique and Bruchetta Jenkins), and most frequently, suffers from delusions that he is Diana Ross. If you suspect one of your friends is currently suffering from Diva Downs, do not come in contact with them as it is contagious (We all know Divas travel in packs but end up fighting each other) and immediately call the closest black woman to come over and slap the shit out of your friend’s 90 pound, glitter-lotioned, “I’m Every Woman” singing ass.


GAY HAT DISORDER (Below) – Just like people with broken legs wear casts, women wear tampons and all other injured people can be identified by their accoutrement, sufferers of GF can be easily spotted by their shitty shitty “My god, I should have a show on Teen Disney” hats. These hats try to pull attention from subject’s GF, overplucked eyebrows, or facial hair that looks like a drunk leprechaun was allowed to shave their face, but in the end leaves people pondering “Why is that bitch wearing a fucking wool cap in a 300 degree club? Does bitch have bald spots or some shit?” If you ever find yourself in the hat section of your local H&M or Abercrombie, summon the nearest “retail specialist / team member” and instruct them to strangle you with your messenger bag until you no longer have a pulse.


And in closing, Remember: Only you can prevent flaming homosexuality.

Over and out….

Special shout out to the sluts reading this across the pond…Jesus and my wang love you.

5 Comments:

At 2:20 AM, Blogger wmy said...

Delta was "Susanne" Sugarbaker hon...just sayin...

And how sad is that when I actually know that right??

 
At 7:10 AM, Blogger Cornelius said...

Duly noted and corrected...

 
At 9:45 AM, Blogger Matthew Henry said...

hilarious

 
At 12:32 PM, Anonymous Proud Fag said...

remember "jolene" hunnicutt from "Alice"? she was played by Celia Weston who's gone on to have a mighty fine career as a character actress. she's been in "Little Man Tate," "Dead Man Walking", "The Talented Mr. Ripley," "Snow Falling on Cedars," "Igby Goes Down," "In the Bedroom," "Hulk," "Runaway Jury," "The Village," and "Junebug," among others.

i like any kind of Gay Face as long as I can sit on it!

 
At 5:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just get to London man.

 

Post a Comment

<< Home