Thursday, August 31, 2006

Fun with Cornelius and friends...

My great friend Benjamina came over the other day and presented me with a gift…a 40 ounce bottle of malt liquor, he also brought one for himself. How refreshing and delightful. Benjamina is such a clever little monkey. Little did Benjamina know, but it being a Thursday, I had already popped down to my local alcohol market and purchased two 40-ounce bottles of beers to celebrate “Thirsty Thursdays”. So in total, we had four 40’s in one apartment…we drank them all….needless to say, momma passed the fuck out.

2 Homosexual men in their early 20’s + 160 ounces of malt liquor + camera built into my laptop = Hilarity…



Me being gay and all, I have a box full of hats and scarves. We ladies decided to have a Ladies Millinery Fashion Show…. sponsored by Old English Brand Malt Liquor of course.





After “Hat Fun Time” we decided we should give ourselves Scotch Tape Face Lifts!!! What fun!! Ben, being half Asiatic and all, didn’t see much of a difference in his elective surgery, I on the other hand felt like the Queen of Siam. “Getting to know you, getting to know all about you…”


Then I pretended to be a rich English Lord, substituting a cap off of the malt liquor bottle for my monocle. I called myself Lord Drinky Drunk, Earl of Foggy Bottom.


Then Benjamin and I decided to tell each other secrets about all the Senators, Congressmen, and foreign Royalty that we have “Entertained in our boudoir”.



All in all, it was a great evening…two friends acting like the slow coaches that they are, drank 160 ounces of malt liquor, and promptly passed the fudge out.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

METRO WEEKLY WATCH: GAY FACE ALERT EDITION!!!!

So this is my first MWW in a long ass time, so to celebrate this momentous occasion, I am posting pictures and captions that relate to a serious problem that 8 out of 10 fags in the DC metro area suffer from…GAY FACE. National spokesperson for GAY FACE ALLEVIATION GROUP (G’FAG) Clay Aiken told me (whilst we were pillow talking after our last clandestine brown love session at the local Motel 8) that GAY FACE is caused when one person has soo much glitter-gay gayishness bottled up in their hairless gay little bodies that the autonuerological response from the body is a contortion of the face, resulting in a facial appearance somewhere between Joan Crawford and a retarded puppy proud of himself for just taking a wiz on the pee-pee pad. The most common observed symptoms are the…

BABY’S CONFUSED DISORDER (Below) – This symptom is the one most often gone unnoticed until it matures into GF. It is a simple glazing of the eyes like one has just smelled one’s own fart or watched a “Very Special Episode of Blossom” (y’know, the one where she gets all raped and shit), blank slating of the face and usually accompanied with blond highlights and an ironic t-shirt such as “Sorry Girls, I suck Dick” or ”You Looked Hotter on Myspace” or posing as a coverboy for MetroWeekly. Now when diagnosing persons afflicted with BCD, make sure that they aren’t actual real life retarded folks, if you go around diagnosing “touched in the head” folks, people are either gonna call the cops or give you a medical degree. The most promising fact about BCD is that is can be cured before is morphs into full blown GF by turning off Hillary Duff music playing in subject’s ear buds and placing a copy of “Advanced Sociological Hierarchy of the Bourbon Court” by Guillume Vichion, into their gay, slow, little paws. If subject has a fit owing to the fact that he cannot read or pretends not to read, just tell subject it is about “fierce parties in Paris, yeah, like totally royal circuit parties”. This will pique their curiosity and once the brain processes the data the eye is taking in, BCD is almost certainly cured.


GRINDMEJUNKE (Below) – This is one of the most recognizable symptoms of GF. Subjects can be observed grinding their “Junk” (also called “rubbing me baby making bits”) on the rear and back locale of another subject’s body. Sometimes however, when GF is in its most severe stages, in absence of a body to rub against, subjects have been know to attach their nether regions to bars, poles, pool cues, grocery carts, speakers and most horrible of all…local DJ’s. Grindmejunke is non-curable and usually fatal for the simple reason that sufferers end up “banging their baby makers” on violent people, or moving vehicles.


ARCHED EYEBROW (Below) – This is an effect of watching one too many episodes of “Designing Women” and memorizing Delta Burke a.k.a. Suzanne Sugarbaker’s every fucking facial expression. The arched eyebrow is most common when trying to seduce the evening’s bun for the evening’s hotdog. To prevent arched eyebrow, stop shaving your crotch, and quit TIVOing Lifetime, you fucking poof.


DIVA DOWNS a.k.a. DRAG QUEEN DROPSY (Below) – This symptom manifests itself when one has ingested one too many “Girlfriend” drinks (girlfriend drinks consist of any drink that a sassy black woman would order at a bar while she is out with her girlfriends, hence the name). After a certain amount of these are imbibed and the subject is exposed to any vocal heavy diva dance remix, subject begins to place hands on hips, take on a sassy attitude whilst conversing with acquaintances (that he renames Mo’Nique and Bruchetta Jenkins), and most frequently, suffers from delusions that he is Diana Ross. If you suspect one of your friends is currently suffering from Diva Downs, do not come in contact with them as it is contagious (We all know Divas travel in packs but end up fighting each other) and immediately call the closest black woman to come over and slap the shit out of your friend’s 90 pound, glitter-lotioned, “I’m Every Woman” singing ass.


GAY HAT DISORDER (Below) – Just like people with broken legs wear casts, women wear tampons and all other injured people can be identified by their accoutrement, sufferers of GF can be easily spotted by their shitty shitty “My god, I should have a show on Teen Disney” hats. These hats try to pull attention from subject’s GF, overplucked eyebrows, or facial hair that looks like a drunk leprechaun was allowed to shave their face, but in the end leaves people pondering “Why is that bitch wearing a fucking wool cap in a 300 degree club? Does bitch have bald spots or some shit?” If you ever find yourself in the hat section of your local H&M or Abercrombie, summon the nearest “retail specialist / team member” and instruct them to strangle you with your messenger bag until you no longer have a pulse.


And in closing, Remember: Only you can prevent flaming homosexuality.

Over and out….

Special shout out to the sluts reading this across the pond…Jesus and my wang love you.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

METRO WEEKLY WATCH: GAY FACE ALERT EDITION!!!!

Ok so I am gonna post a MWW as soon as i find me some reliable internettin' this fucking stealing other people's signal stuff sucks balls because blogger keeps closing...arggggg...anyway, it's gonna be a good one, I wrote it halfway through my first of 2 fourt-tays of the afternoon.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Reunited and it feels so good...


- Sorry about the long absence...Miss Christy spilled a cup of vodka and crystal light all over my laptop, which effectively erased all of my saved passwords including the one to this blogger account. Now I have a brand new MacPro (Which I an orally pleasuring at this very moment because it's so fucking hot), miraculously remembered my blogger ID and password and will be back to writing about how fucked up I am and how I punch babies because my parents chose their careers over hugging me. Some things to ponder until I post again...

- My ex (and possible baby daddy) is moving back from London to DC, umm, shit ladies, shit...

- I have decided to move to London after graduation to repeatedly attempt to stab Alistair Appleton in the bum with my gentle bits...

- I am moving from DC to Annapolis in ohhh, about, 10 days. Goodbye Death Capital, Hello solitary drinking and Naval cadets...

- My job basically requires me telling men and women (really mostly women) that are running for the senate and congress that they look like shit in their publicity pictures and need to take all the money they used for TV commercials and invest in some serious plastic surgery. It's awesome, so far I have reduced a 60 year old Vietnam vet who is running for office in Colorado to tears because I told him his suit "Looked like he found it on a blind retard"...

- Whilst being a chantuese at my local gay/country western/karaoke bar, I managed to work the words "vagina" and "pussy", and the phrase "Spend a lil money on me to see my pussy" into the sing-along classic "Hey Big Spender".Oh I was a hot mess...