Thursday, June 22, 2006

I am a whore, an international one, but still a whore...

- Not a long post, just wanted to alert people, that i am no longer dating Americans of any kind. From now on, my penis will only grace the buttocks of people born overseas.

- Here are some funny pics....

Pride


Miss Christy and Tranny-bush


Soooo proud of myself, all gone in 3 hours


This is what my parents brought me back from their "Wild and Crazy" cruise...did someone say duty free shop??


Look at the center of this pic...fucking Mormons are back, with their books and their shirts...I'm gonna fuck me a Mormon one day...and then steal his little book and shirt...who's gonna be smiling then?

Monday, June 19, 2006

My mother is a Jamaican whore and other stories from the weekend...

- This is what I feel like: A 'lil sassy, A 'lil drunk....


- PRIDE...Who cares, I drank, I told a friend of a friend that his current boyfriend used to "Relish giving me head"...in front of the current boyfriend, I fucked a rich Englishman...In the Ritz...And he sent me cologne this week as a "thank-you" (I am guessing) present. Wow, I just re-read this sentence and feel like a giant whore.

- Went to my parent's place in the country this past weekend, Father's day, My mother's b-day ect. Made it a booze filled loverly weekend of familial bliss. Did nothing but ride horses and watch BBCAmerica. My parent's just got back from a cruise around the Virgin Islands, and my mother wanted to tell me all about her time in "The third world" as she refers to the Caribbean...

- Port One: "Some random dirty island or cay or whatever", this is where my father stepped on a starfish and thought it was a shark. The local people were A)Dirty, B) All on drugs (my parents think everyone is on drugs). She bought a really whorish, Brooklynish gold necklace there, It was dirt cheap.

- Port Two: "Jamaica", My parents HATE Jamaica, yet they go there at least 3 times a year. My mid-life crisis mother always thinks she is going to be sold into sexual slavery and my father has yet to grasp the fact that cannabis is semi legal on the island. So anyway, my two middle aged parents decided to grab a local cab (which is a major no-no) for some "cultural flava" as my mom put it. The driver told my mother that she looked like Princess Diana (which she does) and proceeded to ask my father how much it was to have my mother blow him. Apparently my father looks like a pimp and the cab driver wanted to be blown by a dead princess. They switch cabs. After slumming around the ghetto (which is basically the whole island as my mother says) my dad decides to take in the local epicurean delight known as jerk chicken. He got this meal on their way to a really tame white water rafting trip (on a really dirty river, I am surprised there weren't any bodies floating in it, says Mama). Well apparently my father had not even gotten to the river before he needed to shit. He shat, and they proceeded on to the "Brown water rafting" check in. All was well, they rafted, acted like general retards I am sure...Until my father had stomach problems. He needed to "Go potty in the river" as my 51 year old mother explained to me, her 24 year old son. Well long story short, my father shat in a river in Jamaica...Off of a raft...Which is highly illegal...In front of other middle aged people...And got fined. Dad paid the fine and was allowed off the island and back on the boat. Jamaica is now referred to as "That island where your father went potty in the river and got a ticket" by my mother.

Port Four-Six: Who the fuck cares, "Piss-Poor islands full of Dirty locals and fat Dutch people" - My Father

- Port Seven: "Cozumel, Mexico" - This is the port of call where my mother, who is 51 (which is basically elderly) entered a "Very tasteful" wet t-shirt contest with a bunch of 18 year olds....And won that shit. So my parents, they love them some Mexico. Mexico this, Mexico that, I swear if they were to have another child they would name it Mexico (Mexica if it was a girl of course). My father lived in Mexico city for a year when he was with the C.I.A. and totally thinks he Latino, which is hilarious since he looks like John Travolta with a paunch. So they went to Cozumel and LOVED IT. I love Cozumel ("Everyone speaks English, they take U.S. currency and the jail the homeless" - Mother). While in Cozumel, my mother, had to be on meth or some other strong narcotic substance, because she let my father and some recent high school graduates talk her into participating in a wet t-shirt contest. They were at Senor Frog's, which my mother loves "because they play Sheryl Crow", and the bar was trying to recruit women for this titty-fest. Now let me preface one thing, my parents rarely drink, but when they do, they are TOTAL AND ABSOLUTE FUCKING RETARDS. So my father had drank 2 beers and was apparently "Balls to the wall" as he put it, which I have yet to comprehend and my mother had some "rum punch" aka she had just finished freebasing some crack. He nominated my mother for the contest, thinking she would win since the bar was full of A) high schoolers who would vote ironically for her and B) middle aged dirty men from their ship that want a piece of her punanny. So my mother did it (which I am quite proud of her for doing) and bitch WON (she said she kept her bra on, but she has had a few "Elective surgeries" aka titty remodeling, so I am guessing she was whoring it up). She won a $50 bar tab for Senor Frogs which she used to buy all the high schoolers drinks. She said that it was her "Oprah moment, the moment when I said to myself that I am a woman, look at me, this is what 50 looks like". I think my mom is smoking crack. Supposedly my father has pictures of this contest, I want them, for blackmailing purposes of course, but I think my eyes will fall out if it saw them.

- yes, these are my parents...The reason why I exist. I think it is kind of cool that they are all middle aged and acting like teens. They earned it, those lucky bitches.

- Oh btw, I am moving to London, and whis is who I am marrying....His name is Alex Pierre...how gay.



(He is holding our baby Kiki, ChaCha is with the nanny apparently)

And this is his sassy online journal (he says blogs are for whores)

http://www.alexpierre-traves.co.uk/

Friday, June 09, 2006

METRO WEEKLY WATCH!!!! : DAS PRIDE REMIXE!!!

- I am not gonna bore you with my activities for the upcoming week, I know you bitches came here for the pics. If you happen to see me on the street, please buy me a drink, and then put me in a cab home. Without further ramblings, I present, METRO WEEKLY WATCH


- We love you Miss Chi Chi Rodriguez!!!


- Father Time in drag.


- Uh Oh....Hide your wallet, hahha. I have a feeling we'll be seeing these two again.


- Scarf? ok, Rosary Beads? ummm, Both? Sacrilegious and Sassy. I bet I know who is going to be managing the Bloomingdales in Hell.


- Eddie Money has a clothing line now?


- Dyke-zilla


- "Hi Shirley, (one, two, spin) Hey Ramone!! (keep smiling) I know, me, a majorette? Leading the parade? Nutty, I know".


"This dance is for Jesus!!!!"


- GAYEST LIGHTNING ROD EVER


- "This aint THE PRICE IS RIGHT bitch, get yo ass off of my car"


- Oh no white boy didn't


- Things just got weird


- "She's my fat, scantily dressed friend". "No mine". "Mine". "Boys, boys, calm down, there is enough Tori to go around".


- REPEAT OFFENDER!!!


- Who knew Colonel Sanders eats the weenie?"


- Desperate House-Trannies


- Why haven't queers received the same rights and privileges as hets? THESE TWO MEN!!!


- Someone remembered their glasses...but forgot their helmet.


- REPEAT OFFENDER!!! (sandwiched in between the two scariest looking people ever)


- Mom, please get off the car, yes grab your trumpet too, people are starting to look. (This lady actually runs for the mayor of DC every election, I kid you not)


- Leather, the fabric of "some" of our lives


- Light socket, meet finger...Too bad the shock didn't kill these two messy Bessies.


- And I am spent. It's off to pick up my Englishman for some fun, then it is all going down hill after that. See ya on the streetcurb

Thursday, June 08, 2006

It's already been Broughten!!!


- Bitches..Girls...I am wasted, I have been looking at all of the past pride pics, plus this weeks metro weekly, plus Black pride. I have decided to do a very special METRO WEEKLY WATCH, that I will only post pics of people I know. It's social suicide, but let me check my "Give a damn " meter...that's right, I don't.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Holy shit that was a strong drink...


- Yeah so I have been out for a while, let's play catch-up shall we chil'rens....

- Old roommate is out, I now live alone. The thing is, I had to call the loverly DC metro police officers to escort her, and her "Thug life" boyfriend and his 4 children out of my apartment. It's always refreshing to be sitting in your bedroom, watching "So You Think You Can Dance" and hearing "Thug-life" saying that he wants to "Kill that faggot ass punk". Yeah so in all actuality, the cops came twice, in one week, I felt all Maury Povitch. Once to get them out of the apartment because my roommate said the only way she was going to leave is if "The mutha fuckin cops" dragged her out. Well, being the sassy Sally that I am, I called the cops, and told them that she was not going to leave my apartment until "The mutha fuckin cops" dragged her out. It was great. And I totally was all up in my roommates face because she thought that when you get kicked out of an apartment, that means you can take whatever you want. Like the microwave, toaster, coffee maker. Bitch must be smoking crack. I made the cop retrieve all of MY major kitchen appliances that she had shoved into her "moving garbage bag". Then I saw that she had taken all the toilet paper, paper towels, spices, cleaning supplies and silverware. I was not having it. Bitch also tried to steal 2 of my bags of salad, and my frozen chicken breast. She is such a whore, I am totally gonna get her fired from her job too, because (super secret, don't tell anyone) she let's one of her students smoke pot. Hell hath no fury like a fag whose roommate stole his Hidden Valley Fat Free Ranch Dressing. Is it wrong that with this new single-ness all I do is dance around naked to the song from the Old Navy commercial (that I downloaded) and masturbate?

- I am once again student teaching this summer at Maryland. I am teaching "Intro to American Government" also known as the class that immigrants and retards take to pass their citizenship test. IT SUCKS BALLS. The class is 2 hours long, Monday-Thursday. And since most of the students are too retarded to read their textbooks, I have resorted to showing tivo'd episodes of "The West Wing". Bitches got all confused when I was trying to explain our bicameral legislative branch and our three branches of government. This one little Asian girl (Who I call Ping) was on the verge of tears, because I yelled at her when she said that "If we have a bicameral legislative branch and 3 branches of government, then we must have 5 branches of government". Those Asians...Always doing math. Then I asked the class "Can anyone name the three branches of government" and this crazy white trash-fuck your cousin-I think girls in nascar shirts are sexy, called out (he didn't raise his hand, I am totally taking points off for that) George Bush, Dick Chaney (he giggled when he said dick), and Condeleezza Rice. I almost cussed him out and sprayed him with mace. But on the upside, Today's student is Tomorrow's mechanic.

- My friend from London is coming into town this weekend for a visit. This weekend is also PRIDE.

PRIDE + ENGLISH MAN = STICKY HAIR AND DISLOCATED HIP