Monday, May 22, 2006

OPRAH SOLVES EVERYTHING!!!!


Mom: What are you doing tonight?

Me: getting drunk and watching Oprah's Legend Ball.

Mom: What?

Me: It was supposed to be last week but the fucking presidents tirade against Mexicans bumped it to this week.

Mom: What's the Legends Ball?

Me: Are you serious??!!!?? Only the finest gathering of the sassiest, strong black women all on Oprah's luxurious ranch. They eat crazy food, Oprah cries, Chaka Khan cries, John Travolta acts like a crack baby, and I magically transport myself there in my brain.

Mom: John Travolta??? How many drinks have you had so far.

Me: 2

Mom: Cornelius Brannon!!! It's 4 in the afternoon.

Me: Whatever, it's summer, I went tanning, met a friend for lunch and started getting sauced.

Mom: Did you use the money that your father and I gave you to buy your alcohol.

Me: Yeah

Mom: Incredible!! That money is for groceries and summer clothes.

Me: Whatever, I have enough clothes, I really don't want to get in a bad mood before Oprah comes on, I feel she can sense my sadness through the T.V.

Mom: Cornelius...

Me: Gotta go, Love you, I hope Taylor Hicks bites the weenie on Wednesday.

Mom: Don't talk about Taylor like that, regardless, your father and I will still support him even if he loses to Katherine.

Me: Sad, Sad woman, you need Oprah in your life.

1 Comments:

At 2:17 PM, Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders said...

LMAO.

When I first read that I inverted the "Me" and "Mom" and I was like, god your mom sounds totally fun...and she's a drunk. Then I realized you were the drunk.

 

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