Friday, May 26, 2006

- Off like a virgin's panties on prom night...

- Well, my bags are packed and I am off to the countryside for a lil bit with Miss Christy to visit some friends and take in some fresh air. Don't forget this weekend, On Memorial Day, that "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is still happening, and hurting thousands of Americans and their families. This law EFEECTS US ALL!!! Please, if you can, follow this link and learn how you can sign your name in opposition of DADT. Have a safe weekend guys!!! Se ya on the flip-side.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Hot (and tall) mess...

- Quick recap of yesterday... Lunch date with French diplomat, Got wasted at 1pm. Had chugging contest with said diplomat involving a $75 bottle of red wine. Went to Ben's place, commiserated about being young and hot. Went to kickball game. Was the gayest cheerleader ever, Declared myself "Jesus" at my kickball game and called an opposing player's mother a "Slut-assed-kitten fucker". Went to Tom Tom's, Played flipcup, FELL ON THE GROUND!!! I was so drunk Ben had to put me in a cab. Oh yeah, I also BROKE MY TOE!!!!! (Not really, but it feels that way). I now have a fucked up finger and a fucked up toe. Loverly. I was so drunk (and in so much pain) last night when I came home, I tried to duct-tape an icecube to my foot. My sheets are all fucking wet and I have about 20 yards of industrial tape covering my foot. So, Now, It comes to this...Me, sitting here, naked from the waist down, wearing my kickball shirt, eating Wheat Thins, giving you a METRO WEEKLY WATCH!!! (Super drunk 7am edition).

- Crouching Twinks / Hidden Homo

- OH NO!!!

- OH YES!!!!

- Does she realize she has an ass parked on her chest??

- (Guy on left to guy on right) Wow, that sideways hat takes off 20 years. (Guy on right) So that would make me...umm...40. (Cries silently in the rest room)


- Crappy Haircut?? Crappy Haircut?? Yes, Hi, Your table is ready.

- How did this pic not make it into the mainstream media feed?? Or into my heart?

- (Singer) You are toxic, I am slipping under... (Pianist) I think I am having a heart attack.

- "We wipe our arses with $100 bills, then have casual, anonymous sex with migrant workers to stay grounded".

- JANET RENO!!! Someone is not letting Parkinson's get in her way of making out HARDCORE!!!

- Is it still ironic if they are ugly??

- My humps. My lovely lady lumps.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006


- Mizz O did it again. As you know from my previous post, I was all up in the Legend's Ball last night. I had my 5th of Stoli and some pre-made crystal light on my side table and girl, I was singing along with the gospel hour of Jesusness at the end and found myself greeting her guests (talking to my T.V. of course) as they arrived. "Oh hey Diana Ross, Gurl your hair is all hot mess with a beret of autism". "Hey Janet, I hope you not gonna pop yo tit-tay out during the soup course of O's meal, She'll sic Gale on yo ass". It made me want to be a black woman soooo bad. As much as I wish, I know it will never come true, I will never be one of Oprah's "Legends". The closest chance I have in attending this shin-dig is fucking Colin Cowie. But Miss O looked fierce, Like one of those $3 Black and White cookies you get in Starbucks...

- But C'mon O, Dionne Warwick??? A Legend?? If you possess psychic abilities, do you automatically get to be a "Legend"?

- Of course Mizz Banks was there with Kabuki make-up and portly sobbing mother in tow.

- But the best part by far was when Oprah gave out "Little parting gifts" to her guests (Huge fucking diamonds) and someone off camera asked, "Are these real gurl?". Wonder who could have said that??? We're looking at you Peaches from "Peaches and Herb" fame. You know that bitch pawned that shit.

- Unfortunately, some legends were snubbed, I would just like to recognize two of them. LaQuizno James and Precious Washington. It is because of these two women that "Fat Ho Porn" was forced to integrate, and we all know that white "Fat Ho's" and their producers were notoriously racist. Kudos LaQuizno and Precious, America thanks you.

Monday, May 22, 2006


Mom: What are you doing tonight?

Me: getting drunk and watching Oprah's Legend Ball.

Mom: What?

Me: It was supposed to be last week but the fucking presidents tirade against Mexicans bumped it to this week.

Mom: What's the Legends Ball?

Me: Are you serious??!!!?? Only the finest gathering of the sassiest, strong black women all on Oprah's luxurious ranch. They eat crazy food, Oprah cries, Chaka Khan cries, John Travolta acts like a crack baby, and I magically transport myself there in my brain.

Mom: John Travolta??? How many drinks have you had so far.

Me: 2

Mom: Cornelius Brannon!!! It's 4 in the afternoon.

Me: Whatever, it's summer, I went tanning, met a friend for lunch and started getting sauced.

Mom: Did you use the money that your father and I gave you to buy your alcohol.

Me: Yeah

Mom: Incredible!! That money is for groceries and summer clothes.

Me: Whatever, I have enough clothes, I really don't want to get in a bad mood before Oprah comes on, I feel she can sense my sadness through the T.V.

Mom: Cornelius...

Me: Gotta go, Love you, I hope Taylor Hicks bites the weenie on Wednesday.

Mom: Don't talk about Taylor like that, regardless, your father and I will still support him even if he loses to Katherine.

Me: Sad, Sad woman, you need Oprah in your life.

Sunday, May 21, 2006


- Yeah so I suck at life and haven't done METRO WEEKLY WATCH!!!! for two weeks, that's because I was too busy having sex with Jesus and studying for finals. But as anact of supplication, I have an extra special MWW for all you lil sluts and aspiring sluts out there. These pics are from "Some Gay Soldier Reunion", "Some Gay and Lezzie Super Hero Award Ceremony", and "The Shirtless Construction worker / Softball Coach Dance-off Sock Hop EXTREME!!!"

- Guy on Left: I hope my wife doesn't see this.

- Mom from "Six Feet Under" + Glamor Shots at the mall + Jazzy duvet cover jacket = This lady

- "Earmuffdivers"

- (Contents of cup on left) Wishful Thinking Martini.
(Contents of cup on right) Crack rocks...and hair dye.

- "So I was like, Sally, I'ma gonna get me a gun, not just any gun, but the fiercest gun anyone has ever seen, then, then Sally, I'ma gonna shoot that mutha fucka and let out a load of anger so big, so big, bitches gonna need a swiffer to clean up all the mess, that's what i'ma gonna do Sally. Boom, all over his face".

- "Where's Waldo??? He's giving handjobs and wearing crappy shirts".

- (Left to right, clockwise, starting at 12) Sally, Chompers, Midget Nichole Ritchie, Touch of Downs

- John always wondered what it would be like to make sweet love to Bernie, the sub-contractor on his kitchen renovation. He soon found out it was sweet...sweet like Bernie's mustache.

Rachael Ray: EVOO!!!!!!!

Love it like you mean it

- I just told The Congressman that I could not type as fast as he wants...because my french cuffs and the cufflinks my ex "bought on a busines trip to Paris" get in the way...He thought they were fierce, I thought they were Vuitton...Come to find out, my ex bought me a pair of Mexican knock-off cuff links...I love them, But hate him like Nair on a Titan's regular member's chest.

-Even though I am 24, I had a wet dream last night, it involved 2 jugs of wine and a Pop Idol bottoming, and Oprah interviewing us...Don't ask

- I will fill readers in shortly.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

The Woodster

- So this morning, I get up, throw up all the wine that I drank last night, pulled on some shorts, wiped the sleep out of my eyes, and ran into Woody Harrelson. The "Woodster" is taping a film in front of my building and they got the whole street shut down. Apparently he is "playing" a gay male escort, which is hot. Also saw Kristin Scott Thomas. Bitch was working a Dianne VonFurstenburg wrap dress and some 5 inch stilettos. I watched for over an hour as they taped her walking up and down some steps. SOOO GLAMOUROUS!!!! Here are some pics...

Monday, May 15, 2006

Los Siento...

- i am sooo drunk, but i promise that iwill post later today!! (super excited) But this is my first cragslist missed connection (that doesn't involve the bathrrom at JR's) but aany way I love you and i have 2 magnums of moet in my body...

Friday, May 05, 2006


- Well this week's installment is from YOUTH PRIDE, as you know Youth Pride is a celebration of everything we jaded queens wish we had, gleeful innocence, a size 24 waist, and a hairless crotch. Miss Christy and I headed over to the P Street Beach and armed with a nalgene full of vodka and icecubes and the gayest blanket ever, we sat out to soak up the sun and the gayness that surrounded us. While Miss Christy painted her toes and fingers, I proceeded to get tore up and give people the finger. I mean, I am all about being young and gay, hell I am 24, but some of these crazy bitches were nutz. I don't blame them for letting their freak flags fly thought, I was once a retard too. So these pictures are extra special because I saw these people in person. These aren't figments of my alcohol poisoned mind, they really exist. Soooo here we go....

- Some one call Mizz Tyra Banks 'cause Miss Christy and I called the girl (?) on the left "America's Next Top Model". All bitch did was stalk the grassy slopes and look fierce. Gurl was turning it O.U.T. But the real question is, does her grandmother know that she is wearing her toilet seat cover as a hat??

- This mo scuurrrred me. Not only was he wearing "Fairy Wings" but bitch was part of a group. Miss Christy and I really didn't get the whole "running around barefoot with a sari wrapped around my bits and blessing people with my wand / dirty stick I found on the street curb". We were literally sitting at this kid's feet when this photo was taken...He hurted my eyeballs.

- These are who I want my kids to aspire to be. BITCHES WERE FIERCE!!! P Street Beach was turned into the runways of Milan with this group who re-enacted "Paris is Burning". It was "walk, walk, walk, pause, show your purse, cut a bitch, turn, I own you, I own you, walk, walk, walk". The one in the gold jacket on the lower right hand side CUT/SLICED bitches like she was a hot knife and we were butter. The best part of her lil ensemble was the CHANEL MUTHA FUCKIN KILT she was rocking. Fire, pure fire.

p.s. Was anyone else there?? If you weren't, you missed the best "Deaf girl dancer" ever!!! bitch was rolling on the ground and still signing the shit out of Cher's remixes. Luhrved it.

p.p.s. Happy Birthday COOL SARAH, and happy tequila day!!!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Raise your hand...

- Raise your hand if you decided to wear your "Totally slutty Ginch Gonch Fire Truck" underwear to class today...

- Raise your hand if you were in a hurry while running to your internship and decided to throw your suit on and not check your fly (it was down)...

- Raise your hand if you also accidently tucked the back of your oxford into your underwear and decided to not wear your blazer "Because it's sooo nice outside"...

- Raise your hand if NO ONE in your office decided to sack up and tell you that they could see your really gay underwear...

- Raise your hand if an un-named (and totally gay) Chief of Staff of a prominent Senator alerted you to your underwear "no-no" while at a reception (and then asked you if you were on Friendster)...

- Raise your hand if you feel like a giant whore...

- Raise your hand if you went out to drinks tonight with aforementioned Chief of Staff...

I am so gay...

- How gay is Cornelius??? Here's a video of CHARO...

I am that gay. Gayer than a streetcurb on 17th.

p.s. Why did that woman eating steamed shrimp on the metro decide to sit next to me...and not give me a skrimp. Fucking whore.