Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Los Siento...


- So I have been M.I.A. Between securing an extended visa for London next year, my b-day, and classes, I really haven't had that much free time to update this thing. So as an apology to y'all, my faithful readers, I decided to pony up with a tragically nutzo story from my youth in hopes of winning a place back in your hearts, and perhaps loins...

- It was 1996, I was in the 6th grade and still believed in the mildly retarded optimism of my youth. I saw a movie with my cousin called "The Craft". Now I don't know if you have seen it but the premise is, 4 girls in high school are actual witches, they use their dark arts to act out revenge on their enemies and they have a tendency to walk in slow motion through their high school's hallways to really cool, slightly dark music. So anyway, I see this movie and honestly believe that I am a witch also. I mean, cats love me, I had a lot of black clothes (because I was a svelte 350 lbs back then) and totally wanted to enlist Satan to help me make Kelly Gray's (who was a total bitch to me) hair fall out. So the next weekend, I begged my nanny Nay-Nay to take me to the public library so I could check out some books on witchcraft. Me being the nerd that I was, I was all about researching this shit fully before committing to my first spell. Well apparently my public library only had one book on witch-craft, and Nay-Nay (who was an ordained AME Pastor) was not about to let me check out this book of sin. So naturally, I stuffed it down my JNCO's and took it home. Oh how I loved that book, from "Love Spells" (which did not work on my crush David Canning) to its "Red Burn" spell (which may or may have not caused Patrick Hagner to get hit in the eye with a softball during gym class) I memorized that shit. Not only did I memorize that shit, but I also immersed myself in the whole witch-craft life. I was sneaking out at night to go to the slave graveyard in the corner of our farm to light fires and burn people's school pictures. I was purposely leaving food outside of my window at night to attract stray cats from the horse barns so that they would do my bidding. I WAS FUCKING NUTS. No wonder I couldn't find anyone to join my coven (even though I did make up a flyer and put it up in my school's cafeteria). So a few weeks progressed and my family began to catch on. Nay-Nay had found some burnt pictures of my classmates in an old Chivas Regal box that I kept under my bed and basically told my parents I was possessed by the devil. I wish!!!! My spells would have kicked ass then. So my parents, being the open minded people they were, told me that I was to attend service at Nay-Nay's church for the next few weeks until Nay-Nay was sure that I was not going to drain her blood from her plump body while she slept. Well lets just say that those months planted a seed that grew into my current obsession with militant black people...And soul food. Whereas before all I wanted to do before was look for sprites and fairies in the fields outside of my house, now I was OBSESSED with making it to Nay-Nay's church to watch hefty black women with fierce hats faint. Nay-Nay's grand-daughter and I used to make bets on which woman would pass out first. It was then that I came to an epiphany, see all this time I was trying to invoke the wrong types of spirits, while these people were invoking the right type of spirits, and it seems that they were having much more success. So that is when I decided to turn my life over to Christ...I mean stop practicing witchcraft. So I lost a fuckload of weight, transferred schools and started fucking popular girls, that is why I was voted homecoming king. THE END

Hope you enjoyed the story, I have loads more.
Love,
Cornelius

7 Comments:

At 9:51 AM, Blogger Dale said...

If you ever put food out on my window and attract the animals from the zoo I will kill you with a rusty spoon.


Unless it's butterstick, and then not so much with the killing.

 
At 1:43 PM, Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders said...

I just laughed so fucking hard. You are a freak. My JNCOs. No ma'am. I will admit similar stories from my youth, however they were far more inspired by the movie Teen Witch than the Craft. :)

Oh and I threw up a little when you said you were in 6th grade in 1996. I was a senior in high school. Oye.

 
At 2:58 PM, Anonymous christy said...

you were actually in 8th grade in 1996. fyi fatty :-)
hehehe j/k

 
At 6:15 PM, Anonymous andy said...

this post? HYSTERICAL.

and lol at the old slave grave yard. i want to have sex with you so hard.

 
At 7:25 PM, Blogger RetroDragon said...

Hilarious, yo. I was a page in our public library ("Loser, paging Loser, to the front desk please"), so I stuffed quite a few books down my Bugle Boys. They were mostly about Woodstock, because you got some good naked shots but you could pretend you were just into the music, man.

 
At 9:20 PM, Blogger Taylor said...

okay, i only read up to "when i was in 6th grade in 1996" ...

in '96 I was wrapping up my freshman year in college and starting my junior one.

i'll read the rest later, after a few drinks.

 
At 11:23 AM, Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders said...

you wrapped up your freshman year and went right to junior year?

bugle boys. no ma'am. that is almost as fug as chess king. or jeans west. LOL.

 

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