Thursday, April 20, 2006

Another story from my youth...

- So I am thinking that I am going to turn this blog into some type of cathartic journal and divulge fucked up stories of my youth that have shaped me into the sassy, sex machine / honor student that Cornelius is today. I was actually surprised at the amount of responses from my last story, so here is another one. If you feel sorry for me, please remember that I am a regular at JR's on 17th Street and would appreciate any free beverages (V&T) in return for these classic yarns I spin on this blog.

- So as the majority of the readers of this blog are gay men or sassy female friends of gay men, we have all gone through our youth and teen and even early twenties (because I have no friends over 29) wondering who we are. We try on different roles as we grow. One day we are a jock, the next a prep, and every Saturday we turn into club sluts that on Monday will have to explain the multiple hickies we received from a Mexican guy named Taco who lives with his invalid Aunt (don't ask). So as a young man, I embraced the different roles that I explored and relished "make-believing" that I was something other than whom I really was. Growing up on a farm with no neighbors for mile and only my two brothers to spend my free time with, I naturally became addicted to TV. The thing is, my parents are education nuts and would not let me watch anything on TV besides news and public broadcasting. That's right bitches, I was a die hard channel 22, 26, and 32 fan. I loved Marty Stouffer's WILD AMERICA (even though he baited animals into attacking each other in front of the cameras), but I LIVED for the BBC, or BritComs as they are commonly known in certain anglophile circles. So Britcoms, what they were (at least on public broadcasting) were British shows from the late 70's and early 80's that made no sense to normal Americans, but to sassy little gay boys...They were scripture. From the time I was 13 until 18, I was all about "Are You Being Served", "Keeping Up Appearances", and "To The Manor Born". Bitches, I had that shit on lockdown. So naturally watching these shows for 40 hours a week coupled with my 5 year identity crisis naturally made me feel that I could pull of an English accent in Southern Maryland. Oh Madge had nothing on my ass, I would do different dialects, a Leeds one inspired by Mr. Humphries, Brixton one courtesy of Ms. Brahms, and my favorite, a posh Cumbrian accent for my baby's momma, Mrs. Audrey FForbes-Hamilton. So on my daily outings to school, the market, soccer practice, I would employ my English accent. People were not amused. Nay-Nay fucking beat the shit out of me whenever she would look over my homework and I had put an extra "U" in my words. Life was great, I would drink tea, insist on reading English magazines and generally be a giant fag, much to the dismay of my family. But unlike the whole "I am a witch" phase, this English obsession has not faded. As any of my friends can tell you, I am all about England. I currently am watching "Little Britain" and have just finished a ham, cheese and HP sauce sandwich. But I choose not to use the accent anymore...Unless I am trying to score free drinks, or get laid, or fuck with tourists, or harass my intern. But besides that, I am totally normal.
Sir Cornelius of Foggy Bottom

p.s. OHHH gurl, there is hateration up in my Foggy Bottom danceria. My roommate's boyfriend (who is a 30 year old lawyer that thinks he's all thug life) threatened to beat me up and "cut me". So needless to say, I will be pissing in her face wash and looking for a new apartment, if anyone knows of anything in the Adams Morgan or Dupont area...Drop me a line.


At 11:04 PM, Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders said...

"The Bucket Residence, the lady of the house speaking."

LOL! I watch the old Brit comedies every Sat. night before going out and I TiVo Little Britain.

"I doooooon't believe it. I haven't seen you since the diworce."

Also, for me growing up, it was ALL DYNASTY honey. I grew up on that show and TiVo reruns every day. That show has the BEST lines to throw out in a bar.

At 12:14 AM, Anonymous Pook said...

what price range are you in?

How about U street area?

At 12:26 AM, Blogger Cornelius said...

POOK: $650-700 for small bedroom, more for larger, U street, please baby, one of my brothers used to buy his acid there, I know the area well (having to pick his ass up and all). email me.

At 12:50 AM, Blogger Cornelius said...

I LOVE the U street area (Hello Ben's). I don't know if that was apparent from my last comment. EVERYONE: Find me an apartment bitches!

At 11:02 AM, Blogger Taylor said...

i remember my first job checking groceries at bi-lo in high school i would get so bored running shit over the scanner that i would sometimes see if i could employ different (domestic) accents to fuck with the locals who didn't know me. most of the time it worked, since hardly anyone around there hasn't heard anything their whole lives except for the upstate SC drawl/twang hybrid.


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