Friday, February 03, 2006

Two tales from the metro and a funny joke...


- Ahh Le metro. J'adore le Metro. Today riding back from class on the green line I see a lady. A homeless lady. Now I am not one too judge but we ALL know that homeless people are total nutjobs. So expecting some hilarity to ensue on my commute back to the into the city, I sit two seats behind her but pretend to read a book. I have mastered the art of looking into the reflection of a metro window and basically keeping tabs on everyone, no matter if they are in front, behind or wherever in the car. This comes in handy when playing the fun game "Who would I fuck on this metro". Anyway, the car is basically empty except for these two girls drinking soda from an extra large Styrofoam cup. At Fort Totten, the girls get off and leave their cup on the floor. The homeless lady sees this and snatches up the cup. She holds it tightly like it were filled with magic homeless lady gold and to let go of it would be the end of her. The train car slowly fills up as we progress further into the city. Around L'Enfant Plaza it's pretty full, the normal mix of cubicle monkeys, tourists and college kids. This is when the magic happens. The homeless lady, Let's call her "Nutzo" stands up, warns everyone that the doors to the car will not be opening ever again and PROCEEDS TO EAT HER STYROFOAM CUP! I was like "AWWW SHIT, GET YOUR EAT ON GURL!!!" Some people laughed, but the majority of them rushed to the opposite end of the car. She doesn't actually swallow the Styrofoam, she bites chunks out of it, chews it up thoroughly and sprays it out of her mouth all over the place. I nearly shit myself. Apparently someone alerted the metro conductor who then alerted the metro cops. At the next stop, a cop comes on the train, grabs the cup away from Nutzo and tells her, "Littering is not allowed on the metro". Then he gets off the train and the doors close. She got away with it. I have finally figured out that if you want to commit a misdemeanor on the metro, all you have to do is pretend you are a nutball and you get off scott free.

- Second metro story, it's a very short one. I love the EXPRESS. You know, the "US Weekly masquerading as news" zine that they hand out at metro stops. I read it religiously and what do I find inside this morning...A story on a guy I used to hook up with (and no, it wasn't Boehner). Starfuckers unite!!!!

- Funny (or not so funny) joke overheard today...(totally dedicated to Dale and Kwi, but not in a racist, I hate Asians way)
Backstory: Waiting for my Statistical Analysis class to start...
Girl One: Hey Jenn, how do you make a math department martini?
Girl Two: Umm, tell me
Girl One: Take the country of Asia (yes readers, she said country), put it in a shaker, pour in some virginity, add a shot of social awkwardness and shake. Pour into a martini glass and garnish with sub-par English skills.
Girl Two: They should totally serve that at Cornerstone!!!! ( a bar popular with students)
Cornelius: (to himself) You forgot the ice.

- ZINGERSSS. Ok enjoy the rest of this amazing day, I am off to take my (older, maybe indicted) friend and his brand new puppy to happy hour on 17th Street (how gay) Totally gonna be posting some pics of that later.

2 Comments:

At 5:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Was it John Negroponte? Ewww....

Your lips are slurp-a-licious!

 
At 9:25 AM, Blogger Dale said...

Ha ha ha ha, I bet the girl that told that joke gets ALL the guys with gems like those!

 

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