Monday, February 27, 2006

A lil guessing game

- One of the people in this picture used to be my student...

I'll give you a hint...he's not wearing horse.

A hot sexy weekend full of inter-racial dirty thoughts...

- Went to the parent's farm for the weekend. It was my dad's big 5-0 so all my family and I got together, rented a limo and went out to a Capital Grill for dinner. It was a blast, the food was delish, but it was a tiddle bit uncomfortable when my brother's local celebrity wife got hounded for pictures in the middle of our meal by two drunk businessmen. Oh well, par for the course I guess.

- Now onto my lost weekend of inter-racial mastubatory inducing thoughts -

- Took my (2 WHITE) parents to see MADEA'S FAMILY REUNION. HILARIOUS!!! That movie made me wanna pee my pants. I purposely bought tickets at the local "African American" theatre, because I felt that seeing this kick-ass film would be even more kick-ass surrounded by people talking to the screen, which I am also guilty of. Gurl I was not even prepared for the sea of sexy men that this film was overflowing with. Everytime one of the studs appeared onscreen, the crowd went CRaZy. I even heard my mom "Holla" at Boris Kodjoe...

and then whisper "Jesus Christ" when this guy got some camera time.

I swear to God, Tyler Perry is like the Michael Lucas of black men, he has the creme de la creme of sexy actors working for him.

- On to fantasy # 2, BATTLE ROYALE!!!

If you have never seen or even heard of this movie, you need to check yourself. Do you love Asian school children? Do you love Asian school children being kidnapped by the government? Do you love Asian school children who were kidnapped by the government chopping each other up with swords and having their necks explode when their magic dog collars get tampered with??? If you said hell yes to any of these questions, well this movie is definitely for you. I am a huge foreign cinema buff with a warm spot in my heart for ultra gory Japanese Films. Like the oh so popular Japanese version of "The Grudge", horror films from Japan take everything over the top times infinity. Total out of control-ness. Here is a quick run-down of the film...A group of 7th grade classmates are kidnapped by the government and taken to a deserted island. They are told that their insolence and laziness is the reason why Japan suck man heat. So the government decided to take a bunch of these little hellians and have them kill each other off to instill a sense of self awareness and humbleness in their cute lil asses. They have to realize that all their "fast living" does not make them adults, apparently shooting the class valedictorian in the neck with a crossbow does. Only the one strongest, deadliest student can survive. If more than one student is left at the end of the "game" then the little dog collars they are wearing around their necks will explode, HOT. So basically after the beginning 15 minutes of set-up, the kids are let loose on this island and proceed to hack apart, poison, and chop each other's heads off with hatchets. I totally eat this shit up. I was watching it with Miss Christy who I went to high school with and the whole time we were like, "I totally wish our school did this, we would own shit". So the one hitch that is thrown in is that there is a previous "game" winner that is playing again this time. He is straight up SEXINESS with a capital FUCK MY BRAINS OUT...

All of this coupled with the incredibly realistic special effects (no CGI bullshit) make this a great family film for the upcoming Easter Holidays!! Pop some corn, pour a soda and prepare yourself for projectile vomiting.

Ok enough movie reviews, I must go back to downloading interracial pornography.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Pictures make everything better...

- So I ran into one of my real good friends from high school today on 25th Street. He was all "I am surprised you are not in prison" and I am like "Whaaa happened?" And he says that apparently the screaming match that I had with my two previous best friends at our 5th year High School reunion had mutated into me punching two girls in their faces and then stomping one of them in their trice abortioned gut. How did this "Days of Our Lives" rumor get spread like a preacher's daughter on prom night??? Like herpes... it was spread by the bitches who I got in an argument with. They are soo living in suburbia and do not approve of my "City life" also known as having sex with men. So I told my friend that I could care less about what the gas pumpers and Barnes and Noble workers back home think of me, but I just wanted to let the public (my readers who i love so much) know that I am not a woman beater, the only thing I beat is my meat, and the hairless Thai house cleaner that my roommate and I have held hostage for the past 4 months.

- To secure my place in your hearts, I have pics of my puppy, an "artsy pic of my apartment" and me and my roomie...

Drink Drink Revolution

Red is the new hetero


Babycakes all up in yo grill

I am truly blessed to wake up to this

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Weekend recap...

- Friday night. Hung out with my Miss Christy at her new AMAZING place in AdMo then headed to Guerilla Queer Bar at Mantis to meet up with Chip and Dale, two blogger buddies, They are sooo much hotter in person, with great personalities to match, why these boys aren't being kept by some 87 year old record exec is totally lost on me. Ran into some toolbag that got pissed when I didn't know which member of the house that he worked for. I totally was about to cut/slice him like a mo-fo until Miss Christy reeled me in. All in all it was a great night ended at Amsterdam Falafel and sharing a bed with a 35 pound dog that farts in his sleep.

- So the roommate fucked up the cable, so I am stuck with one channel...I have no idea which one it is but it's the one with the Lesbian drama "The L Word". Now I loves me some carpet installers but this whole episode is all, "I have titty cancer" and "I am the butch girl, I hate when you finger me". Who are they trying to kid, lesbians don't have sex lives, all they do is drive Suburu's and restore cottages in fringe neighborhoods. Kudos though, this episode did have Miss Alan Cummins getting fucked by a lesbian taking hormone replacement therapy with a strap-on, the B-52s, and EVE ENSLER (who I love like vodka).

- Was home for my dad's big 50 this weekend. He's great, I hope I look like him when I am that elderly. Anyway, I started a bidding war on my gay ass between my two grandmothers. My one favorite one, she sends me cards and gifts and we do lunch, she is a total doll, but my other one just likes to forget birthdays, holidays, but then all at once, she likes to dump some cash into my account. So today I go up to granny #1 and was all like "I totally loved the v-day card you sent me, you are da bomb" and granny #2 saw this and came up to me, apologized that she forgot and put a $50 in my hand. Granny #1 was all like "Oh no your AARP ass did not just do this" and handed me a $50 also. IT was great, I felt so geisha. I walked away with $180 by the time this craziness stopped.

- Made plans with the father to go see "Chris Rock's Block Party" movie...He is so awesome (dad and Rock)

Monday, February 13, 2006

Tyra does it again...

- Now I luurves me some Miss Tyra. I have started watching her show as opposed to Katie Couric's mutual masturbation-fest with the winter Olympics on NBC. So today's topic on THE TYRA SHOW was "I live a real life Broke-Back Mountain". This was an orgasm of "Oh no gurls" and "Ride em cowboys". I found it funny that Tyra really doesn't understand the whole concept of sexual fluidity. She kinda got stumped when one former "Gay cowboy" now said that he is in love with a woman. I mean Tyra only goes dyke if it is for the cover of Sports Illustrated. I do have to give it up to Big Momma Forehead, she is incorporating the LGBT viewers into her shows, I guess she realizes that the only people that watch her TOP Model Show is us and 13 year old girls that enjoy barfing after sucking down a steady diet of Camel Lights and ice cubes. And Tyra gurl knows she can only do soo many shows on eating disorders while showing the studio audience how real her "Lady lumps" are. The zenith of Tyra's show was reached when she told the woman who loved a formerly gay man who now is "straight" that she "finally turned one out". Ummm Tyra, just a little side note, The formerly gay man said that he is still all bff with his old boyfriend, in gay translation...He's still riding the Hershey Highway towards the one gay bar in Omaha, Nebraska. She truly is the next Oprah, If Oprah fucked basketball players, had 5% of the talent she has now and knew how to walk the runway in 400 inch heels. TYRA FOR PRESIDENT!!!

Saturday, February 11, 2006

No fucking lie...

- This is the first V-day card of the season that I received...Needless to say, it is from the "woman's group" (bible dykes as my father and I call them) at my family's church...Nothing like the big old JC to make ya horny in this season of showing your undying love by dipping your danger zone into chocolate. These bitches got my DC address from my brother who gave it to them as a prank. They send me cards full of anti-gay love every fucking weekend (they know I am a mo because I yelled at my Pastor one Sunday during service while he was talking about the downfall of the family). My favorite ones are the ones sent by Mrs. Whitcombe-Ashe, she likes to write "personalized" messages about the Lord's salvation in her cards after a few shots of tequila and they usually end up including some "sailor speak".


Friday, February 10, 2006

MMMMHHH...Gays in space...

- So Kia posted about gays in space (a v.v. funny skit on SNL) and I forgot how much I loved it so I am posting it here...

- And I did a google search on "gays in space" and found this HILARIOUS flickr photo set with commentary...look at all the pics and run your mouse over the little boxes on the people to read the commentary...I was dying!

An email from Mother...

- Ohhhh my mother. Great woman. Totally independent, smart, sassy, hilarious after a few glasses of wine. My mother and I have one of those typical gay son/mother relationships where we can totally bitch about family together and go shopping with my father's money. So every so often she sends me an email from her work. See her secretary is a sassy black woman that has ABSOLUTELY no boundaries. This woman forwards the most inappropriate emails to my mom and in turn she emails them to me. Well this one takes the "holy fuck I should have never taught my mother how to use a computer" cake. Not only does it have Christian values at it heart, but also a liberal sprinkling of curse words...Just like my mom.

(actual email that my mother received from her secretary and then forwarded to me.)


When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning" to everyone and you think, "Somebody needs to slap the s#@@ out of her". You need to pray at work.

When someone comes in and announces, "Office meeting in 5 minutes," and you think, "what the f*&% do they want now?"..... You need to pray at work.

When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say, "which one of you sons of b*&^%$# turned off my computer?"..... You need to pray at work.

When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and a third person comes in and says, "Well at my last office...," and you want to throw a stapler at him... You need to pray at work.

When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is, "what the h*&^ does she want now?" and you try to hide underneath your desk... You need to pray at work.

When you are asked to stay late and help do someone else's work and the first thing that pops in your head is, "both of y'all can kiss my a@@$$".... You need to pray at work.

When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone who stood for five minutes waiting for the darn thing only to go DOWN one floor, and you say "that lazy b*&%$#"...... You need to pray at work.

When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you think, "sorry a## M#$^%F%&#s"... You need to pray at work

If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping or flattening someone's tires that you work with... You need to pray at work.

If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone because you know it is going to lead to their life story ...You need to pray at work.

If you know all the words that have been bleeped out.... You need to pray at work!


Thursday, February 09, 2006


- Did all you good gays and straights catch the Grammys tonight. All I need to say is that the opening was hot hot hot. The Gorillaz thing was pretty cool, still trying to figure out if they were puppets, CGI, or whatnot. But I know that Madge was all woman. Most ladies her age that I know can barely handle walking down stairs in heels let alone doing standing splits and crawling on the ground with their ethnically diverse backup dancers. Madonna is like a vintage side table. Impressive when you first see it, then it gets a tad bit tired, some scratches, some water marks, but then you slap a new coat of varnish (or purple leotard) on it and sweet baby Jesus, it excites you all over again.

catch the full video here:

Monday, February 06, 2006

He's gonna get cut like a piece of construction paper in an elementary school art class...

- I normally ignore the crazy Fred Phelps, but a big OH NO YOU DIDN'T goes out to him and his congregation for their plans. He makes me violently ill. At least he will be totes dead after this.

Read the full story here...

Skipped class today...

- Yeah you read the post title. I am such a bad boy, I need a spanking or whatever you perves have floating through your heads. Now skipping class is no big deal, it's getting caught by your mother, who is paying for your college and law school, that really fucks yo gay ass over. I know, I am a fag, but I stayed up late watching the Superbowl and drinking booze cheaper than my ex. So I was hungover and didn't feel like taking the trek to CP and decided instead to watch the ELLEN show. Cornelius loves him some lesbian chatshows. Especially today, when she had her 30 year high school reunion on her show. How embarrassing for her classmates. Here she is, this multi-millionaire, with her own show, bff with A listers, and there they are, pumping gas, beating their kids ect. I only say this because I attended my 5 year reunion this past November and I felt the same way. While all the football team had 600 kids and worked at Target, I was drinking with dignitaries, getting accepted into law school, and throwing up in front of the Supreme Court. Anyway, I guess to each his own (but we all know that mine is better). Soo anyway, my mother called me today when I was supposed to be in class and found out I was skipping. I told her that I had a rough weekend and needed a day off. She was all like, "Rough weekend my Talbot's-pantsuit-ass". So as punishment I had to tell her just how rough my weekend was. It went summin like dis....

- Friday night...Boyfriend officially invited me to Palm Springs for spring break. Got drunk off of Sparks to celebrate. Happy hour on 17th, Played with boyfriend's new puppy. Cleaned up "dog shit caused by throwing puppy in air".

- Saturday night...Went to AdMo with the bf. Started out at LeftBank for a few vurrrry duuurty martinis, then headed to Felix for friend's b-day party. He rented the upstairs balcony loft thing and lord have mercy, it was a capital hill orgy of staff ass. Ran into the Sassmasters Chip and Dale, Dan Lubrano (who I just found out gives golden showers to people at private parties) Sean, and this douche named Tom who has Ted Kennedy's chin and his dead secretary's personality. Told a girl that she had magnificent titty balls (she then flashed me and the bf) had 4 more duuurty martinis and bid farewell the the crowd. Headed over to Amsterdam Falafel, to chat with the legal writing professor (who also owns the place) and discussed how great it is that he stopped smoking hashish. Went back to bf's place, played with puppy, cleaned up more "please don't toss a 9 week old dog into the air shit", went to bed realizing I have an amazing boyfriend.

- Sunday...Woke the bf up early to go to brunch (Cashion's Eat Place, tote's gay btw, you could see the host's meat through his pants they were so tight) and looked at his new home. Went to new bf's place, acted all gay and talked about how hot stainless steel appliances are, greeted his new (incredibly gay) neighbors, Met his friends so they could give the puppy a fucking goddamn Louis Vuitton collar and leash that costs more than my monthly rent, cleaned up some more puppy shit, came home to watch the game, drank a 12 pack of rolling rock, and passed out to "Are You Being Served" DVD.

- Today...woke up late, 3 cups of coffee, watched ELLEN, talked to mom, danced around my apartment to "Xanadu" by Olivia Newton John way too many times, did laundry, made bloody mary's for myself, reread some good ole David Sederis and now I am bloggin, how fucking productive.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

It's like cliff diving...

- So today, what a day. Raining outside, kind of shitty compared to yesterday, but as we all know, every cloud has a silver lining, and sometimes, there is a boyfriend hidden in there too. So, I have spent the past 4 weeks with Mr. Big. From Thursday until Monday morning, every week, I have been in the company of an amazing man. I do believe he could be considered by boyfriend. There, I said it, boyfriend. And man am I scared. Not scared like he will try to chop me up post-coital or beat me like Ike, but I am scared of being hurt. Yes, I am a fragile shell of a man. I think a lot of my readers can relate. It takes so much to open yourself up to someone, to look beyond your own needs and realize that it IS possible to care for someone. It feels great...And he's taking me to Palm Springs in March, HOLLA! Today was spent looking for a doggy day-care for his/our puppy and finished with an amazing lunch at Larioul Plaza (get the Brazilian Salad, it's yum). Throughout the day, I just kept looking at him and saying to myself, "This is easy". I think that is what relationships should be, easy. Now everyone says that relationships take work, and that at times it can be hard. I hear all of that, but I think the hard part is the initial opening up aspect. I talked to a good friend on the phone and he compared relationships to cliff diving. The anticipation of the plunge usually keeps us from jumping, we say we are just enjoying the view (or being single) but once we leap, we hand over all control to the fates, enjoy the ride and soak in the surroundings...

(BTW: the pic is of my new pup, Cillian. I swear I didn't drop the couch on him, he sleeps that way)

Friday, February 03, 2006

Two tales from the metro and a funny joke...

- Ahh Le metro. J'adore le Metro. Today riding back from class on the green line I see a lady. A homeless lady. Now I am not one too judge but we ALL know that homeless people are total nutjobs. So expecting some hilarity to ensue on my commute back to the into the city, I sit two seats behind her but pretend to read a book. I have mastered the art of looking into the reflection of a metro window and basically keeping tabs on everyone, no matter if they are in front, behind or wherever in the car. This comes in handy when playing the fun game "Who would I fuck on this metro". Anyway, the car is basically empty except for these two girls drinking soda from an extra large Styrofoam cup. At Fort Totten, the girls get off and leave their cup on the floor. The homeless lady sees this and snatches up the cup. She holds it tightly like it were filled with magic homeless lady gold and to let go of it would be the end of her. The train car slowly fills up as we progress further into the city. Around L'Enfant Plaza it's pretty full, the normal mix of cubicle monkeys, tourists and college kids. This is when the magic happens. The homeless lady, Let's call her "Nutzo" stands up, warns everyone that the doors to the car will not be opening ever again and PROCEEDS TO EAT HER STYROFOAM CUP! I was like "AWWW SHIT, GET YOUR EAT ON GURL!!!" Some people laughed, but the majority of them rushed to the opposite end of the car. She doesn't actually swallow the Styrofoam, she bites chunks out of it, chews it up thoroughly and sprays it out of her mouth all over the place. I nearly shit myself. Apparently someone alerted the metro conductor who then alerted the metro cops. At the next stop, a cop comes on the train, grabs the cup away from Nutzo and tells her, "Littering is not allowed on the metro". Then he gets off the train and the doors close. She got away with it. I have finally figured out that if you want to commit a misdemeanor on the metro, all you have to do is pretend you are a nutball and you get off scott free.

- Second metro story, it's a very short one. I love the EXPRESS. You know, the "US Weekly masquerading as news" zine that they hand out at metro stops. I read it religiously and what do I find inside this morning...A story on a guy I used to hook up with (and no, it wasn't Boehner). Starfuckers unite!!!!

- Funny (or not so funny) joke overheard today...(totally dedicated to Dale and Kwi, but not in a racist, I hate Asians way)
Backstory: Waiting for my Statistical Analysis class to start...
Girl One: Hey Jenn, how do you make a math department martini?
Girl Two: Umm, tell me
Girl One: Take the country of Asia (yes readers, she said country), put it in a shaker, pour in some virginity, add a shot of social awkwardness and shake. Pour into a martini glass and garnish with sub-par English skills.
Girl Two: They should totally serve that at Cornerstone!!!! ( a bar popular with students)
Cornelius: (to himself) You forgot the ice.

- ZINGERSSS. Ok enjoy the rest of this amazing day, I am off to take my (older, maybe indicted) friend and his brand new puppy to happy hour on 17th Street (how gay) Totally gonna be posting some pics of that later.