Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Oh Lord Jesus Lord Jesus Jesus...

- Sunday night, Mr. Big calls me and wants to know if I would like to accompany him to Wheaton, MD to go see his new puppy and meet the puppy's breeder. He did warn me however, that the breeder was a lil "Special". Now "special" is the way that my mother used to describe our crazy aunt so from the age of 5 I have always thought special=fucking nutzo. So being the good quasi date I was waiting outside of the apartment when he swung by to get me. As soon as I jumped in his car, he reiterated, "This breeder lady is a little out there". I was like, "Oh Wheaton, MD? It's not that far". I guess I didn't grasp his intent. We drive to the breeder and pull out front of this non-descript condo in one of those cookie cutter suburban neighborhoods. Well the dogs heard us coming because all hell broke loose. We were on one side of the thick wood door and they were on the other. But they kept clawing at the door, snarling, and growling. I was like "Shit bitch, I am totes gonna get attacked by some rabid fucking dog. We hear this loud, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE DOOR!!!" Umm yes chil'ren, that was the breeder. She opens the door and told the two shocked fags that greeted her that she was talking to us. Great, not only am gonna be shredded by some fucking mongrels but also I just got CBAC'd (cussed by a crazy).

She leads us into her "home", and THERE..IS...NO...FURNITURE. All that she had were doggy crates, doggy gates, and plush toys all over the place. I do believe that she sleeps in one of those crates because all were the same small size except for one that I kid you not, was the perfect size for a crazy white woman. So she tells us to meet her in the living room which we had a hard time finding because of the lack of furniture, I think I ended up in the dining room, Mr. Big in the breakfast nook. She screams at us from the "real" living room and we follow her voice over piss stained carpets and come upon one of the most disturbing/oddly cute sights I have ever seen. In the room, there was a baby pen set up in the middle of the floor, 5 little puppies barking and romping around, and a grown ass white woman laying on back with a chew toy on her stomach all up in the middle of this mess. OH LORD JESUS LORD JESUS JESUS!!!! She motions for us to come join her and play with the puppies. As apprehensive as I was, my gay ass dove on in. I was like, "Bitch, move over, give me that chew toy, puppies gonna play with me now". Mr. Big looked at me like he had accidently brought my retarded twin brother along with him. After a few minutes of convincing, he joined us in the pen. So here we were, Two gay men, five terrier puppies, and one crazy lady, in a baby pen, in Wheaton. God forbid someone looked in the window.

So after an hour of so of playtime with the dogs and more uncomfortableness courtesy of crazy lady that put a chewtoy in her mouth, we get out and are seated Indian style on the floor so the breeder lady could quiz Mr. Big on basic doggy care. He totally lied his ass off. She basically won't sell a dog to anyone that works over 30 hours a week, Mr. Big works like 50. He was all like "Oh I work from home", he's really gonna send the pup to doggy daycare. So she starts talking about training the puppy which Big is totally gonna leave to the people at the daycare. She tells us that these terriers love them some cream cheese. She is all like, "put cream cheese on your finger to make the dog come, put cream cheese on your lips and let the doggy kiss you". I am wondering how many times the Philly has found it's way south of this lady's belly button.

So she offers us a beer, clearly a ploy to make us stay, we being the first human contact she has had in prolly 3 years. I have one, she tells me to drink it quick so she can give me another. I am like "Oh no crazy bitch, I am sooo not getting drunk and even more uncomfortable in this nut house". I politely decline, stating I have an early morning. So all the training and grooming instructions were given and she started on food. Of course she reiterated the canine's love of the cream cheese, but she then went on to tell us that the dogs are allergic to corn. I am like what bitch, dogs eat poop like it's pudding, how can they be allergic to corn. She then turns to Mr. Big and asks him if he is "Latino". He said he is part Spanish, she said, "Well I know how your people like corn, but don't give any of my dogs and taco shells or anything, IT COULD KILL THEM". I shat my khakis. Mr. Big forced a smile, he just wanted his puppy.

So after the food speech, she ends our visit with a talk on puppy names. Big was thinking about something cute and puppy-ish. She was like "NO, the dogs name is"...and she rattles off some 20 part name that is it's official show name. Big was like "whatev's hoe, I am gonna call it what I want". So after all this craziness had taken place, we find out that we can't take the pup home yet, we have to go back on Thursday. Apparently she just wanted to hang out with us. FUCKING A. So not only was I disturbed beyond all expectations, my ass had to go back to her crazy condo-o-dogs later this week to get the pup. I am totally mainlining heroin before I step foot in that place again. I would rather have a drug dependency than listen to that lady alluding to her sexual escapades with animals anyday.

- On another note, 3 weeks until I get to shoot a fucking gun in my forensic evidenciary procedure class!!!!


At 10:36 AM, Blogger aklsdjhfa said...

"I am wondering how many times the Philly has found it's way south of this lady's belly button."

That made me throw up a lil' in my mouth.

At 11:27 AM, Anonymous christy said...

sounds creep-tastic!!! that is hilarious. now i know why he wanted you to go with him, i totally would not want to go to a place like that alone! i want to hang out on thursday though so give me a call.

At 11:32 AM, Blogger Dale said...

ew... scary dog ladies are totes gross. Oh I totally fired a gun once and it knocked me on my ass, granted I was 14 but whatever, I'm so charlies angels with a glock!!

At 10:44 PM, Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders said...

for some reason that woman reminds me of that crazy god warrior lady from that stupid wife swapping show on tv.

i pictured her the entire time I was reading that.


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