Monday, January 02, 2006


I went to NYC for New Years, hilarity and awesomeness ensued....

- To get to the city, I decided to take the Chinatown bus from DC. Lemme tell ya, that thing is a post laxative shithole. It was supposed to arrive at 8, so you have to get there by 7:30, the fucking shit-mobile pulled up at 9:30. Not only did this put me behind in my schedule of general debauchery, but my toes, nose, finger and wang were frozen, if I was to accidently hit something with my crotch, my gentle bits would have shattered into a million pieces right there on 15th street. The one upside was watching the JAPPY girls try to fit all their 400 Louis vuitton bags onto the bus, and having the driver telling them they couldn't take them, so they got left. Peace out JAP-scout.

- Got into the city, met up and had some grub with a friend. He only had a little bit of time and I didn't want to inconvenience him so we met at Equinox in Chelsea, which is this crazy high-end gym / cafe / store / celeb hangout. I had already grabbed a slice of pizza from Lombardi's my fave pizza place in the city, so it was tough trying to force down the AMAZING ahi salad that he ordered for me. While eating who do we run into??? FELICITY aka Miss Keri Russell. I know I enjoy the wieners but gurl is hot bananas. She was sooo nice and apparently was friends by association with my dining partner so she stopped and chatted with us for a while, She is so bubbly and I told her that I watch the re-runs of her show on Lifetime, she was so excited people actually watched it (apparently the royalty deal must have not been that sweet, she didn't know that people actually watched it anymore). She excused herself and went to workout while we finished out meal and headed our separate ways. I had a couple of hours to burn before I was slated to head out to Queens via the Long Island Railroad to visit my Faux Girlfriend, Cool Sarah, so I walked around the village and stopped by my old apartment that I lived in 3 years ago. Everything I get below Bleeker, I go all nostalgic. The sights, noise, smells, people...It all puts me in an amazing mood.

- Stopped by Washington Square Park. This place is always one of the highlights of my visits to the city. I hang out there for at least an hour everything I am in town. With it's combo of street performers, crack addicts, and hot NYU students are low carb/high pleasure combo. While in the park I always hang out in the little fenced off dog park area. It is fucking crazy in that place. Little dogs dressed in their little gucci vests that they unwrapped on Christmas prance around, sniff butts, and hump without a care. Owners socialize and catch up on their doggies latest visit to the vet, while I run around the park like a crackhead playing with their dogs. Last time I was there, this one dog refused to let any of the other dogs play with me, he totally monopolized my time and who does his owner turn out to be....Janine Garafelo...fucking sweet man.

- While walking back uptown on Fifth Ave. I am about to cross the street when I see this gorgeous woman strolling in my direction. Tall, lithe, flowing blond hair, cute bag. As I get closer, I make eye contact. Who does it turn out to be???? AUSTIN MOTHERFUCKING SCARLETT!!!!! I immediately get all adoring fan on him and mention my friend who he went to design school with. What does the bitch do? Looks me up and down glibly squeeks, "That's great" and prances on his merry way. Total Let-down, I love me some Miss Scarlett but drop the attitude, it's us crazy Project Runway fags that are the only ones that recognize you, so give us some love before we take all your lipglosses away sucka.

- So after my half-day of fun in the village, I headed uptown to Penn Station to catch a train out to Queens to visit my sweet Sarah. Now I am a huge fan of public transportation, but the Long Island Railroad takes the cake, super clean, easy to figure out, and bitches, you can drink on the choo choo. I wish I would have known that, it would have made missing my stop a lot more fun. When I finally arrived in Queens, My friend picked me up from the station and we set off on a jet-set adventure around the Kingdom of Fran-Drescheria. We Hit a great pizza place, perused the racks at Loehman's (a girls best friend) and soaked up the majesty that is Roosevelt Field Mall. This mall is nutzo. It's like the Greek system of Uni of Maryland threw up in there. It was a magical land of retail inhabited by JAPPY hoes and Carmine Gotti look-alikes. It took every fiber in my being not to break out a "Oh no you didn't" on some of these people. C'mon Uggs and a miniskirt when it's snowing outside? Spikey gelled hair and wifebeaters under a Northface jacket??? I would have been cut like a mo-fo.

- So finally I get to NEW YEARS!!! I head back into the city and meet up with my brother and his fiance at the glamorous Hudson hotel. This hotel is fucking amazing. My bro and his girlie were in the city to attend this big party hosted by Carson Daly (barf) and they wanted me to stop by to take advantage of the open bar with them. Well after a few V and T's I was ready to head uptown to my friends place for my big night. The party was fuckin sweet. It was thrown in this sweet apartment with a wraparound terrace that I stayed out on all night despite the freezing weather. After the ball dropped my friend and I headed downtown to a club called XL. Like everything in NYC, this place blew me away. Everyone in NY is hot, everyone was incredibly nice to me, people are amazing. After the club I crashed back at my friend's place, and drifted off to a delightful slumber dreaming of the most dynamic city in the world.

Have an AMAZING 2006 bitches. See ya on the flipside.


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