Thursday, January 12, 2006

Dear Jesus, Am I really a drunken man-slut?

- Well fuck me in my face...I had a great date last night. Dinner at Larioul Plaza, beers at JR's then some "Little Britain" watching back at my place with my escort for the evening. Not to get graphic but things happened, actually things happened for a few hours, until 4am this morning. It didn't feel rushed, It didn't feel wrong, It felt appropriate...umm if you are a slut apparently. So anyway, I go to class still drunk, manage to get a fucking A on my test and ride the metro home all in anticipation of an email from the previous night's consort telling me what a great evening he had ect. Well what does my inbox hold for me? THIS...

"I had fun last night too. But I do feel really guilty about letting things progress to the point they did. That's what happens when you feed me too many drinks! Remember when I said that I was at the point of no return, stop now or go wild? :)

So I want to be up front and say that I'm not really looking for any kind of relationship right now. I'm really just looking to meet people and have fun - which I think we did. :) "

JESUS FUCKING CHRISTMAS!!! What the hell happened? Umm am I a slut now? Are "fun times" expected when one goes on a date with Cornelius? Apparently so. So where does this email leave me? I have just broken up with the man I will probably marry, I was a little too "easy" on a first date and I am here, in my apartment, alone, listening to Angie Stone on repeat, drinking lukewarm blush Chablis from the Korean deli. This is my life. The Ole Cornelius needs him some dating lessons with emphasis on the following topics...

- how NOT to be a slut on the first date
- how NOT to call date's car a "lesbian-mobile" just because it's a Suburu
- how NOT to mention how big your ex's dick is
- how NOT to tell him your parents want you to pop out kids as soon as you finish law school
- how NOT to feed your date $2 beers until he can barely stand
- how NOT to throw a tube of Kiehl's ultra moisturizing hand salve at him and tell him to "grease up"
- how NOT to make sweet man love up against your plate glass window that faces a major street.
- how NOT to talk too much
- how NOT to kiss a bartender while on a date
- how NOT to fart and drunkenly announce it to your date
- how NOT to drink a jug of wine before your date so that you are soooo sufficiently buzzed at dinner you insist on ordering in Spanish
- how NOT to have multiple pics of your ex and you making out on your desk when your date comes back to your place

- What the fuck is wrong with people? You go on a date to have fun, to get to know the person. Unfortunately with me "fun" means nastiness and "getting to know me" means nastiness. I am sorry but in the past all of the dates that I haven't hooked up on meant one thing...No second date. Maybe I should wrap my gentle man puppet with razor wire? But the truth is that, in Gaylandia, people hook up on first dates. Maybe I am emotionally retarded and feel that my genitalia makes up for a lack of intelligence. Is it possible for me to go on a date and leave my dick at home? So far no. All of my past relationships that I have been in started with a "bang". Shit, I really liked this guy, I can still see his handprints in my window.

- Alright, I am off to find my passport, which for some reason I threw out of my window last night into the bushes while in the "heat" of this apparently non-moment.


At 12:03 AM, Blogger Carrie Broadshoulders said...

I can't tell if you're complaining or bragging.

My last relationship (the one I blog about) started with a bang as well. Went home together first date. It was fantastic. Might as well get that part over with and have a drink if you ask me.

At 9:12 AM, Anonymous christy said...

whatever, ditch this guy Cory. "This is what happens when you FEED ME DRINKS"?!?! he is not taking any responsibility for his actions and is acting like you forced him into things. it takes 2 to tango bitch. you do NOT want a relationship with someone like that, especially not someone who EMAILS you to say he wants to just be friends! if you hook up with him again it will be the same pattern over and over. get out while you can.

At 9:23 AM, Anonymous Lucie Gucie said...

does your man puppet have a name?

At 8:36 PM, Blogger Cornelius said...

My man-puppet's name is Shalamar...

At 11:58 AM, Blogger Taylor said...

I've had both work out. Sometimes we do it in the butt on date #1 and it's all good. Sometimes it fizzles. I've been on three dates with a guy recently and all we've done is make out some. Sistafriend's ready to give it up, so hopefully the magic will happen on #4.


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