Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Christmas crackwhore / holiday humper



- I don't know if anyone else's family has this little holiday tradition, but with my family (10 aunts and uncles, 27 cousins) everyone sends a letter of what they want for Christmas to the matriarchs of our families, Me-maw (Maternal grandmother, waspy dowager who openly tells other cousins that I am her favorite) and Gran (Fraternal grandmother, sassy southern debutante, past her prime, cusses like a sailor). They look over the collective letters and then assign secret santas. Well it seems that every fucking year Me-Maw likes to fuck up my holiday vibe by giving my name to my aunt Marlena Belle (crazy racist / southern Baptist with adopted home-schooled Mexican child / hugs nephews for inappropriately too long / married to fat investment banker that HEARTS Christ). I usually get a fucking bible (past two years) or spicy apple cider mix (Christmas '00). We have a limit of $50 for secret Santa gifts, her past presents cost what, a handjob, church robbery, 3 minutes in the kitchen? So these shitty gifts aren't the best part though, she encloses a fucking home-made paper letter telling me that she donated the leftover $47.30 or whatever she didn't shell out on my gift to the Baptist ministries. Fucking whore. So to curtail her and the rest of my deranged family off this year, I have written this letter to my Me-maw...
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Me-maw,
It's Cornelius, How have you been. I have some finals coming up but besides that everything is great. I really enjoyed seeing you at Thanksgiving and miss you while I am here in the city. Thank-you for showing Caroline, Henry and I around the "London of your twenties". I still can't get over how much Caroline has grown. Pretty soon she will be joining me here in D.C. I have some friends at Georgetown that are going to show her around when she starts in the fall...and I will keep an eye on her, like Thomas did on me, hahaha. Well here is my annual Wish List, and I know you are going to give my name to aunt Marlena Belle, so make sure you pay attention to my gift ideas...

NO BIBLES, I have 3

NO "Staying Christian in College Guides", she gave me one for graduation

NO DONATIONS TO THE BAPTIST CHURCH, I know that it may sound rude of me to request this, but I feel that her donations go towards her betterment, not mine and those in the gay community.

NO ART SETS, please tell her that I don't have room or time to paint.

NO HOME-MADE BAKED GOODS, again she is taking the easy way out and her church is benefiting.

On the otherhand, I would like...

MONEY
STARBUCKS GIFT CARDS
I-TUNES GIFT CARD (she can get it at the Apple store in Annapolis)
MONEY!!!!

I understand that she feels I need the gifts that she gives me, but I feel bad when I never use them and they end up collecting dust on my shelves. Please give this list to her.

Well I have to go finish some last minute shopping, can't wait to see you on the 25th,
Cornelius

P.S. thanks for the Christmas card, Nish really liked the picture too.

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- We'll see how this all unfolds this weekend...Does my grandmother enjoy torturing me or will she listen to my list like the good old bitch she is?

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