Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Christmas crackwhore / holiday humper

- I don't know if anyone else's family has this little holiday tradition, but with my family (10 aunts and uncles, 27 cousins) everyone sends a letter of what they want for Christmas to the matriarchs of our families, Me-maw (Maternal grandmother, waspy dowager who openly tells other cousins that I am her favorite) and Gran (Fraternal grandmother, sassy southern debutante, past her prime, cusses like a sailor). They look over the collective letters and then assign secret santas. Well it seems that every fucking year Me-Maw likes to fuck up my holiday vibe by giving my name to my aunt Marlena Belle (crazy racist / southern Baptist with adopted home-schooled Mexican child / hugs nephews for inappropriately too long / married to fat investment banker that HEARTS Christ). I usually get a fucking bible (past two years) or spicy apple cider mix (Christmas '00). We have a limit of $50 for secret Santa gifts, her past presents cost what, a handjob, church robbery, 3 minutes in the kitchen? So these shitty gifts aren't the best part though, she encloses a fucking home-made paper letter telling me that she donated the leftover $47.30 or whatever she didn't shell out on my gift to the Baptist ministries. Fucking whore. So to curtail her and the rest of my deranged family off this year, I have written this letter to my Me-maw...

It's Cornelius, How have you been. I have some finals coming up but besides that everything is great. I really enjoyed seeing you at Thanksgiving and miss you while I am here in the city. Thank-you for showing Caroline, Henry and I around the "London of your twenties". I still can't get over how much Caroline has grown. Pretty soon she will be joining me here in D.C. I have some friends at Georgetown that are going to show her around when she starts in the fall...and I will keep an eye on her, like Thomas did on me, hahaha. Well here is my annual Wish List, and I know you are going to give my name to aunt Marlena Belle, so make sure you pay attention to my gift ideas...

NO BIBLES, I have 3

NO "Staying Christian in College Guides", she gave me one for graduation

NO DONATIONS TO THE BAPTIST CHURCH, I know that it may sound rude of me to request this, but I feel that her donations go towards her betterment, not mine and those in the gay community.

NO ART SETS, please tell her that I don't have room or time to paint.

NO HOME-MADE BAKED GOODS, again she is taking the easy way out and her church is benefiting.

On the otherhand, I would like...

I-TUNES GIFT CARD (she can get it at the Apple store in Annapolis)

I understand that she feels I need the gifts that she gives me, but I feel bad when I never use them and they end up collecting dust on my shelves. Please give this list to her.

Well I have to go finish some last minute shopping, can't wait to see you on the 25th,

P.S. thanks for the Christmas card, Nish really liked the picture too.


- We'll see how this all unfolds this weekend...Does my grandmother enjoy torturing me or will she listen to my list like the good old bitch she is?

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Satiate yo'selves bitches

- Sorry about not posting, these past two week have been fucking crazy but to tide y'all over until I have enough time to write something decent after a jug of Franzia I present "The Gayest Ashun Ever"...

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Nobody puts baby in a corner

- So I am back...apparently no one can take my freedom (hello 1st ammendment) or something. Actually I talked to my future boss and he said he loved my blog, but he just didn't want me blogging about important cases we would be working on. He had seen how I blogged about the people at the bar I currently work at and didn't want the same to happen when it concerned the firm. I was like, "Ummmm, I think there is a diffence between writing about drunken leather trannies and writing about an anti-trust case". So I am back bitches, sorry to scare you, but as Fag-trick Swayze alluded to in 1989, no one can put me in the corner, unless it's a craft corner, cause you know this fag loves me some crafts.

- Umm, working for a congressman is awesome, wanna know why? I am getting out of a major test today because I am having lunch with people who could have my professor, her life partner, and their 400 kitties (all named puss puss) deported, AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!

Monday, December 05, 2005

Bitch gots to get paid...

- Umm, yeah, because of a new job opportunity that was presented to me, I am being required to cease writing my blog...for the time being. My potential boss didn't think that the public would like to learn that I blog about butt sex and panda penises. Don't worry chil'rens I will find a way to communicate somehow. Until then...