Monday, November 21, 2005

Panda titties all up in yo face...


- Although it is rare, I do have some downtime during my workday. When disgruntled veterans stop ringing me to complain about "beaners" hopping the border or elderly women stop faxing me retarded requests like "Please tell the Congressman to wish me a happy 400 birthday on CSPAN today", I get to indulge in my new favorite past-time...PANDA-CAM!!!!! There is this website http://animal.discovery.com/cams/pandavidr.html that allows you to see some hot unadulterated panda luvin'. Now it's not sexy twink panda getting a traffic cone shoved up his poop chute by a panda (bear) get it? fuck off. It's momma bear nursing butterstick. Now I luuurve me some pandas, but this momma bear is one sadistic bitch. She loves to dangle her milk-bags over the waiting 'stick and then like the Ultimate Warrior circa 1987, she bodyslams him. She'll smother him for oh I don't know maybe 5 or so minutes before giving up her beary dairy. It is addictive as fuck, not the nursing part but just watching pandas in general. As you all know, lil' Butterstick's daddy is a deadbeat. He wants nothing to do with his bastard of a child. So it's fun to make up storylines about what's going on in their lives. Currently Momma bear is a cosmotology school drop-out because she shat out a cub, Daddy is too young to be a father so he hangs in the yard, waiting for a chance to tap that ass while shirking any parental duties. I have decided to give Butterstick a birth defect that makes him a little SLOOOOOOOW because for 7 minutes today he repeatedly rammed his head into a concrete wall. Well Momma is off the meds and a lil post -partum is setting in hence the lock-down on her titty balls. Butterstick will emerge as an incredibly talented, yet sexually inept artist because of his mother's cruelty and father's indifference. I plan for a wine and cheese opening at the Corcoran for 2010. If you can't get tix...It will all be broadcasted on Pandacam.


- on a non related note, GODDAMN the Capital Hill Police officers assigned to my building are fucking hot. All of them are straight I am sure, but they love to strike up conversations with me because I am about the same age as them and it makes my chinos tight. Not only are they incredibly sweet, brave and down to earth, but they have guns, me wrikey!!!

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