Wednesday, November 16, 2005


- Inspired by Toby's post on his hatred of the metro ( ) and the story he posted on his blog about the lady getting mugged, I decided to share some stories from not the red line that passes through the tony neighborhoods of Cleveland Park, or Dupont Circle...But the "Ghetto Green" that I must take every fucking day through the craptastic stops of West Hyattsville, and Fort Totten.

- "STEP-DANCE-A-THON 2004" between the stops of PG plaza and Petworth, a group of 20-30 people got onto the car I was sitting in. No sooner did the train start moving did the moves start flying. Step dancing to the left, step dancing to the right...It was worthy of the Gilmann College step-a-thon where Miss Whitley Gilbert even threw down and got her eagle on.

- ASSORTED MUGGINGS" I have seen rolling luggage, ipods, shopping bags, wallets, (text) books, and cell phones getting taken. The sad thing is that most of the people who were mugged didn't really do anything, there is an inherent fear that comes with riding the green line. The only person I saw actually put up a struggle was the homeless man who got his rolling suitcase taken by a group of 5 or so teenage boys. I know that many people out there are like, "Why didn't you sack up and try to fight them off?" Well you need to ride the green line and realize that if you start shit at one stop, people will get on their Boost mobile phones and have 80 people at the next stop waiting to curb smile your ass. Plus after the second time calling the cops from my cell phone and no response, you really have to weigh the benefits of getting off metro safely or helping someone get their cell phone back, i'm not a pussy, i just have a really pretty face that i would like to keep.

- PULLING PEOPLE OUT OF CARS" This is by far the scariest thing. The car will stop and there is someone, usually a teen standing by the open door. You see a group of kids move up on the outside of the car towards the open door. As the door chimes start, they grab the teen by the door and pull him out of the car and onto the platform as the train door closes and the car pulls away. One can only imagine what they do to the kid after they get him, it's kind of like the modern urban equivalent of a shark attack.

- THERE IS NO SEX IN THE CHAMPAGNE CAR" Lord only knows how many babies I have seen conceived on the seats of our fair metro. From 12 year olds and their awkward fumbling to the 20 something man convincing his girlfriend that no one in the FILLED TO CAPACITY car will notice. It's like a slightly more ghetto version of RISKY BUSINESS.

- "GANG JUMP-INS" These are like presidential motorcades, the only people who pay attention to them are tourists. These jump-ins seem to be concentrated in the fort totten station because of the easy get away on the red or green line. Of the 15+ that I have witnessed, they all start the same way. A group of teens get on the train, they sit until the train starts moving, usually the train will have to go through a tunnel to get to the next stop. And this is where the fun begins. A leader emerges and basically primes his posse and then their victim stands and all hell breaks loose. They stomp, punch, slap (in the case of girls and gay gangs, they do exist) the fuck out of the neophyte. The weird thing is that the guy or girl getting pummeled doesn't put up any resistance. They just take it. The best one I saw lasted from PG Plaza until Mt. Vernon Square, and at each station stop, the gang would stop beating the fuck out of the guy and sit in their seats like nothing was happening, but as soon as the train started up again, the fur went flying.

- "HOMELESS IDOL" Now this isn't exclusive to the green line, but I do believe we have the Kelly Clarkson's of the mole people serenading us. Some of them sing top 40, some sing hymns, some sing original work in made-up languages inspired by the engine coolant they they have just chugged. Every performer is a winner, sometimes I get all caught up in the moment and clap along with the other confused passengers. My favorite is the one guy who always gets on at Fort Totten and sings me some Aretha. He rocks my socks, and smells like them too.

- I've seen people burnt with lighters and matchbooks, semi-stabbed with pens, hit with bottles, smashed against windows, among other things. The sad part is that not only does this happen within view of an indifferent audience, but that I have yet to take a photo of this Metro sanctioned entertainment with my phone.


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