Saturday, November 26, 2005

On Friends and Family...And giving up the sauce


Well this Thanksgiving weekend brought the traditional dinner with the fam along with my High School reunion. It drove me to drink, something that I now have decided to GASP!!! give up. It's not that I enjoy the gradual death of my liver, or the drunken one night stands with sailors on shore leave. It's the fact that the past three arguments with friends have happened while I was in a vodka tonic rage. To have some background on this new task of mine, lets take a look at my Thanksgiving...

- My mother, dear papa and younger brother head to my the house of my gay uncle and his life partner. Thanksgiving this year was decided to by our dear, old, slightly acidic matriarch to be held at my uncle's place because according to her, "The homos will put out a nice spread". Now my Uncle and his life partner aren't the only ones in my family that are benders. In fact on my paternal side, my father and one of his brothers (who is a major asshole who has been married 4 times) are the only breeders. I have 5 gay uncles, a lezzie aunt and new to this gaggle of mo's, my cousin came out this weekend as well. Some families pass down freckles, we pass down gayness. My older brother and his fiance, a local TV news personality arrived along with the rest of the hot mess I call my family. Well my grandfather didn't leave my future sister-in-law's side the entire night, I think he wanted to hump her. Of course my gorgeous niece was in attendance, and loves me more than anyone in the family. She calls me Uncle Coco, which is endearing yet slightly tranvestite-ish. For my niece, every family gathering is like Christmas for her. She gets presents from everyone whenever she pops her little head in the room. I of course am no exception, as a token of my dedication to the Queendom of Alyssa, I got her a Dora the Explorer lip gloss set (she hearts make-up) and boy did she go to town. Throughout the entire 3 hour dinner she re-applied her whorish pink gloss over 60 times. She's so glamorous. Well besides the quasi-racist rantings of my delirious great aunt Beulah, and my newly minted lezzie cousin making out with her GIANT girlfriend, everything seemed to go normally. We did have a great spread thanks to the homos. 2 turkeys, stuffed ham, ect ect. It all made me a little crazy which brings me to....

- My high school reunion/fist fight. Just kidding it wasn't really a fist fight but there were some verbal jabs being thrown. All I have to say is that no one goes to their reunions to catch up with old friends, we go to judge, make biting comments about peoples post high school plastic surgeries and make fun of the girls that had babies, because we all know that vaginas are gross. Well, I decided to meet up with my two best friends from home for some drinks and a rousing game of Taboo with my other friend Miss Christie before heading to the reunion. The predrink went well, and we went to the reunion sufficiently buzzed. We mingled, judged, and critiqued and headed out to stop by the apartment before my friends headed home. I have no idea how, but a huge argument erupted between my two friends and I and all hell broke loose. They criticized me for my "Urban" lifestyle or something like that and said that I was too uppity for them. I called them cunts and told them they are just jealous of me and would never amount to anything. They shot back at me, saying that I had no friends. We are no longer talking. 10 years of friendship ended by one night of drunken soul expunging. Over the years I guess we had drifted apart, my life here in the big city, their lives in small towns. It's really sad that we allowed this drift to occur. I guess all I can say in the end is that try not to let this drift happen with you and your friends. It sucks, and when paired with booze, it has a tendency to be unleashed. That is why I am giving up the sauce, that and the fact that I saw some special on MSNBC about the effect of alcohol on your skin, not pretty.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Jive Turkey

Today, a....

Tried to sell me a...

On the...


It's that time of the year, have a quick and painless death this thanksgiving and remember, homicide isn't always provable.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING BITCHES!!!!

Monday, November 21, 2005

Panda titties all up in yo face...


- Although it is rare, I do have some downtime during my workday. When disgruntled veterans stop ringing me to complain about "beaners" hopping the border or elderly women stop faxing me retarded requests like "Please tell the Congressman to wish me a happy 400 birthday on CSPAN today", I get to indulge in my new favorite past-time...PANDA-CAM!!!!! There is this website http://animal.discovery.com/cams/pandavidr.html that allows you to see some hot unadulterated panda luvin'. Now it's not sexy twink panda getting a traffic cone shoved up his poop chute by a panda (bear) get it? fuck off. It's momma bear nursing butterstick. Now I luuurve me some pandas, but this momma bear is one sadistic bitch. She loves to dangle her milk-bags over the waiting 'stick and then like the Ultimate Warrior circa 1987, she bodyslams him. She'll smother him for oh I don't know maybe 5 or so minutes before giving up her beary dairy. It is addictive as fuck, not the nursing part but just watching pandas in general. As you all know, lil' Butterstick's daddy is a deadbeat. He wants nothing to do with his bastard of a child. So it's fun to make up storylines about what's going on in their lives. Currently Momma bear is a cosmotology school drop-out because she shat out a cub, Daddy is too young to be a father so he hangs in the yard, waiting for a chance to tap that ass while shirking any parental duties. I have decided to give Butterstick a birth defect that makes him a little SLOOOOOOOW because for 7 minutes today he repeatedly rammed his head into a concrete wall. Well Momma is off the meds and a lil post -partum is setting in hence the lock-down on her titty balls. Butterstick will emerge as an incredibly talented, yet sexually inept artist because of his mother's cruelty and father's indifference. I plan for a wine and cheese opening at the Corcoran for 2010. If you can't get tix...It will all be broadcasted on Pandacam.


- on a non related note, GODDAMN the Capital Hill Police officers assigned to my building are fucking hot. All of them are straight I am sure, but they love to strike up conversations with me because I am about the same age as them and it makes my chinos tight. Not only are they incredibly sweet, brave and down to earth, but they have guns, me wrikey!!!

Sunday, November 20, 2005

GAY PARIS


- Just got off of IM with my good friend Carter. He's currently living in Paris and gurl is luvin it. I mean fresh baguettes, mindblowing architecture, uncut wieners...hahaha just kidding on that last thing. He is doing great and basically has a daily schedule that consists of waking up at 7, going to 3 hours of French class which he speaks fluently, grabbing some lunch at a patisserie, napping or shopping, getting some din din, and then getting wasted and going out. Why Jesus did I never study abroad? Apparently fucking rich foreigners isn't enough to satisfy University of Maryland's language credit. Oh Well, anyway, talking to him reminds me of how much people change and how situations change. Just last semester I met this shy young boy who thought that my touretts problem that seemed to surface in our LGBT lit class was wholly inappropriate. By the end of the semester I had him sucking down bottles of wine and dancing half naked in the Dupont fountain with me. Now he has matured into an independent man that lives (and loves some uncut wieners) in gay Paris. When I go to London for my b-day in April, I am totes stopping by the Rue de Chagall and catching up on some old times. ALL THE BEST MR. GLASSCOCK!!!!

- On a foreign affairs related note, the hubby is turning 24 on Tuesday. I am here in Crappington DC while he is in Xanadu (London). Combine that with the upcoming mass suicide known as the holidays it makes for one very lonely feeling. Not to get to dark and sappy but I really need to get out of this city, preferably this country. I am jaded, I work in politics, it doesn't fill me with a sense of awe, it fills me with the sense of Awww shit this country is going down the tubes and hates homos, women and minorities (the holy trinity by the way). As much as I love DC and all it's sanitized glory, I really need to leave it like a trick leaves in the morning...quietly, with a bad taste in his mouth.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Love me musically


- I was recently downloading some music and setting up playlists. I then realized that I have yet to set up my "Music for Fucking Tricks" and "Music for Making Sweet Body Love to my Lover" playlists. Yes, I did have those playlists, but sadly when my computer crashed and I sent it on an all expense paid trip down 7 stories via garbage chute, it took my expertly crafted playlists with it. So as a service to all my loyal readers, all fucking 12 of you, I wanted to make some suggestions for the playlist for the latter. Since I have a hubby, and have not had sexual contact with anyone in over 4 months, I have no need for the first list. These songs are provided so you can share the love, I personally like to light a scented candle, play a few songs, abuse my genitalia and cry alone, but you can do whatever you want with these, it's just a suggestion. Download these songs and next time you want to show your true feelings for someone, say it with a song, a song that will surely get you in the back door. Afterall, we all know backdoor love is forever...

- Anything by Jaime Cullum
- Anything by Damien Rice
- Anything by Mazzy Star especially "Fade Into Me"
- Anything by Massive Attack
- The soundtrack from "Closer"
- "The Nothing Song" by Sigur Ros
- Anything by Aqualung
- Anything by Billie Holliday (her later stuff influenced by drugs is actually quite amazing fucking music)
- "Transatlanticism" by Deathcab for Cutie
- "Bleed Like Me" by Garbage (pretty much anything by Garbage is great)
- "Screaming Infidelities" by Dashboard Confessional (also "Breathe" is pretty good, kinda angry but hey who doesn't have angry sex?)
- "Heartbeat" by Annie
and of course "Big Booty Hoes" by 2 Live Crew

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

MY MY METROCARD



- Inspired by Toby's post on his hatred of the metro ( www.vividblurry.com ) and the story he posted on his blog about the lady getting mugged, I decided to share some stories from not the red line that passes through the tony neighborhoods of Cleveland Park, or Dupont Circle...But the "Ghetto Green" that I must take every fucking day through the craptastic stops of West Hyattsville, and Fort Totten.

- "STEP-DANCE-A-THON 2004" between the stops of PG plaza and Petworth, a group of 20-30 people got onto the car I was sitting in. No sooner did the train start moving did the moves start flying. Step dancing to the left, step dancing to the right...It was worthy of the Gilmann College step-a-thon where Miss Whitley Gilbert even threw down and got her eagle on.

- ASSORTED MUGGINGS" I have seen rolling luggage, ipods, shopping bags, wallets, (text) books, and cell phones getting taken. The sad thing is that most of the people who were mugged didn't really do anything, there is an inherent fear that comes with riding the green line. The only person I saw actually put up a struggle was the homeless man who got his rolling suitcase taken by a group of 5 or so teenage boys. I know that many people out there are like, "Why didn't you sack up and try to fight them off?" Well you need to ride the green line and realize that if you start shit at one stop, people will get on their Boost mobile phones and have 80 people at the next stop waiting to curb smile your ass. Plus after the second time calling the cops from my cell phone and no response, you really have to weigh the benefits of getting off metro safely or helping someone get their cell phone back, i'm not a pussy, i just have a really pretty face that i would like to keep.

- PULLING PEOPLE OUT OF CARS" This is by far the scariest thing. The car will stop and there is someone, usually a teen standing by the open door. You see a group of kids move up on the outside of the car towards the open door. As the door chimes start, they grab the teen by the door and pull him out of the car and onto the platform as the train door closes and the car pulls away. One can only imagine what they do to the kid after they get him, it's kind of like the modern urban equivalent of a shark attack.

- THERE IS NO SEX IN THE CHAMPAGNE CAR" Lord only knows how many babies I have seen conceived on the seats of our fair metro. From 12 year olds and their awkward fumbling to the 20 something man convincing his girlfriend that no one in the FILLED TO CAPACITY car will notice. It's like a slightly more ghetto version of RISKY BUSINESS.

- "GANG JUMP-INS" These are like presidential motorcades, the only people who pay attention to them are tourists. These jump-ins seem to be concentrated in the fort totten station because of the easy get away on the red or green line. Of the 15+ that I have witnessed, they all start the same way. A group of teens get on the train, they sit until the train starts moving, usually the train will have to go through a tunnel to get to the next stop. And this is where the fun begins. A leader emerges and basically primes his posse and then their victim stands and all hell breaks loose. They stomp, punch, slap (in the case of girls and gay gangs, they do exist) the fuck out of the neophyte. The weird thing is that the guy or girl getting pummeled doesn't put up any resistance. They just take it. The best one I saw lasted from PG Plaza until Mt. Vernon Square, and at each station stop, the gang would stop beating the fuck out of the guy and sit in their seats like nothing was happening, but as soon as the train started up again, the fur went flying.

- "HOMELESS IDOL" Now this isn't exclusive to the green line, but I do believe we have the Kelly Clarkson's of the mole people serenading us. Some of them sing top 40, some sing hymns, some sing original work in made-up languages inspired by the engine coolant they they have just chugged. Every performer is a winner, sometimes I get all caught up in the moment and clap along with the other confused passengers. My favorite is the one guy who always gets on at Fort Totten and sings me some Aretha. He rocks my socks, and smells like them too.

- I've seen people burnt with lighters and matchbooks, semi-stabbed with pens, hit with bottles, smashed against windows, among other things. The sad part is that not only does this happen within view of an indifferent audience, but that I have yet to take a photo of this Metro sanctioned entertainment with my phone.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

This picture truly is worth a thousand words

- Spending my thursday night in the apartment, painting my walls a loverly shade of khaki and what does one of my sassy blatina friends send me...




this pic totes sums up my life, thanks Jannah!!

TRUE LIFE: I's gonna be a lawyah

- So as you know I am studyin / working my ass off not to jeopardize my acceptance into Georgetown Law School. All this work and no play makes Cornelius a dull / mentally unstable boy (but I didn't have to tell you that). I have currently been up for 36 hours, working of a fucking legal brief that my professor thought would be fun. He thought it would be fun because his high on meth ass thought it would be fun to replace the normal Jane and John Doe plaintiff and defendant titles with the names Carrie Bradshaw and (Mr.) John Big. It wasn't enough that I had to condense about 300 pages of case law into 2 pages, but get this, Plaintiff Bradshaw is suing Defendant Big for breach of contract and intentional infliction of emotional distress when he renigged on a promise to take her to Balthazar for dinner and buy her a pair of Jimmy Choos. Jesus Fucking Christ, as if being a law student isn't going to be gay enough, he just HAD to throw in some SEX and THE CITY references. Well chil'rens, Cornelius went a little batty around hour 26. I now present A photo diary taken by a kid I mentor (who now is deathly afraid of me) as I took of my spiral into the black dickless abyss known as Lawyerin'...


- Fill me up Jesus


- after 27 pages condensed into 3 paragraphs


- Brain orgasm, all over my powerbook


- My friends never question my love

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Beatin' cheatin'



- HUZZAH!!!! It is officially ACADEMIC INTEGRITY WEEK at UMD!! Time to put those cheat sheets away and start studying, or at least thank your T.A. for the A in Legal Issues writing class after fucking his brains out. I kid, I kid!!! or am I?

Monday, November 07, 2005

What's a synonym for Chinese lube????


- Because of my incredibly kick ass job, I got preview tickets to see DC's slightly less addictive version of crack...A baby panda!!! I have no idea what his real name it, some incredibly old man kept calling it "CHING CHONG", and then whispered to his grandson that he'll just call him "Charlie", how touching, and racist. All of my asian brothers and sisters were representin'. I swear to god I wanted to skin that cute little bitch and wear to Jr's just so people would feel me up and stick bamboo all up in my face. And I know all those rich ass dowager bitches were thinking the same thing. It is truly amazing that the sight of basically a tailess skunk can make grown ass women soil their sensible Talbots pant suits. I of course took time out of my day to accidently spill my soy latte all over the back of some bitches stroller. I am pretty sure she would have clocked me if it wasn't for that roly poly ball of pubes licking the floor that makes everyone A-O-GAY. Bonus points for me and my friend Sean that told a girl that the Butterstick she was mentally masturbating to was really a robot because "the real baby panda was attacked by his mother". I love me some nature bitches.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Blood is thicker than...

- My younger brother, Jodiah, called tonight, he left a message, a message wondering if I am gay...

- I am gay, Jo, I am still your brother, the brother that beat you up, the brother that broke your arm twice, the brother that cried with you at mom's 50th birthday lunch, the brother that helped you through physical therapy after your accident that left you in a coma for 7 months, the brother that covered for you when you were drunk, the brother that made you proud, the brother that made you ashamed, the brother that made you climb that crazy high tree, the one that made dad put mom on her shoulders to get you down from that tree, the one that had pet turkeys, the one that loves our niece like our own daughter, the one that always believed, the one that always knew that you are amazing, I miss you Jodiah, I miss 4530 on Ferry Landing.

Always,
Cornelius

Saturday, November 05, 2005

A Dirty Shame...

- As promised here are some pics of Miss Christy with Le John Waters. We met him at Politics and Prose on Conn. Ave when he came to drum up some interest in Tab Hunter's new auto-fag-ography (YAWN to the 2nd degree). It was so funny that after Tab talked about his book and the star handlers said that him and Le John Waters were going to be signing autographs, everyone got into Le John Water's line and there was a sprinkling of gayness in Tab's line. I guess it goes to show that the public loves a man who makes movies about trannies eating dogshit and giving bj's to their sons...

Miss Christy rises to climax



And here we see the clitoris becoming engorged



ORGASM ACHIEVED...time to wash the dirty dirty sin off.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Well at least I get paid




Don't forget kiddos, it's all about me.

Why I haven't masturbated in 4 days...

BEHOLD, THE LEGAL MEMO THAT CONTROLS MY LIFE...

Subject: Recovery for wrongful death of a fetus
To: Senior Attorney Schatz
From: Associate Cornelius
Date: November 2, 2005

FACTS: On February 10, 2004, Ms. John Doe’s vehicle was involved in an accident when David Smith drove his vehicle through a red light. Ms. Doe was seven months pregnant and only receive minor scratches and bruises although her car was totaled. Five days after the accident, Ms. Doe delivered a stillborn infant, which doctors concluded had died from injuries incurred in the accident.

QUESTION PRESENTED: Can our client, Ms. Doe, collect from Mr. Smith for the wrongful death of her infant. Wrongful death as defined under Washington, D.C. code in the case of Greater Southeast Community Hospital, APPELANT v. Maxine Williams, As Administratrix of the Estate of Baby Boy Williams, APPELLEE (482 A.2d 394; 1984 D.C. App. LEXIS 495) as “A death caused by the negligent, willful, or wrongful act, neglect, omission, or default of another.”

CONCLUSION: Doe has a strong case in proving Smith is liable for wrongful death, using Greater Southeast Community Hospital v. Maxine Williams as precedent. He did cause a death that was the result of negligence on his part. The muddy area of this case will be whether the defense will argue if Doe’s child should be considered an infant or a fetus. In D.C. Code § 12-101 (1981), it states that Ms. Doe’s child is indeed defined as a person; therefore Washington, D.C. decided to “adopt the Bonbrest rationale as the law of this jurisdiction and recognize the right to be free of tortuous injury.” This decision is in our favor if the defense tries to argue that the child was a fetus, therefore cannot have the same laws applied to them that infants are afforded. It is decided to codify into D.C. law the definition of fetus and infant defined in Bonbrest v. Kotz, (65 F. Supp. 138 D.D.C. 1946).

APPLICABLE STATUTES

D.C. Code § 12-101 (1981) Definition: “Fetus”; “Person”

(1) Having determined that a fetus is a "person" under the common law with the right to be free of non-fatal tortuous injury.
(2) Modern courts have given legal meaning to the word "person" by holding that a “person” has a cause of action for prenatal injury.

DC ST § 12-310 (1981) Definition: “Wrongful Death”

(1) A death caused by the negligent, willful, or wrongful act, neglect, omission or default of another.

APPLICABLE CASES

Greater Southeast Community Hospital, APPELANT v. Maxine Williams, As Administratrix of the Estate of Baby Boy Williams, APPELLEE (482 A.2d 394; 1984 D.C. App. LEXIS 495): Relevant because it involves a case where a mother sued a hospital for injuries that caused her to deliver a stillborn. Court ruled in her favor

Bonbrest v. Kotz, (65 F. Supp. 138 D.D.C. 1946). : Relevant because it is the case that the DC Code based its definition of what constitutes “Person” legally.

DISCUSSION

Ms. John Doe’s wrongful death suit against Mr. David Smith is based on negligence shown on the part of Mr. Smith. He has committed the act of wrongful death DC ST § 12-310 (1981) and should be liable to Ms. Doe for any and all damages incurred. By showing Mr. Smith was the genesis of a death by….neglect, we have satisfied all torts necessary to prove our case in regards to the wrongful death of Ms. Doe’s infant. In today’s climate, the issue surrounding when does a fetus become an infant and when is that infant extended the rights and protections of all citizens, we can challenge any of the defense’s idea that Ms. Doe’s child is not legally considered a person and therefore the severity of the case should be lessened. DC ST § 12-310 (1981)

Legal writing is my anti-drug.
-------------------------------------------------

- So my 5th year High School Drink-a-palooza is Saturday November, 26....It's being held at MCFADDEN's!!!! I want all you dykes, fags and sodomites to come out for it. It's open to the public and I need to get some heads in to represent / punch the pregnant bitches in the stomach with me.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Meet my son...


- Miss Christy and I met DA JOHN WATERS at Politics and Prose last week. He was crazy nice. I have Pics but still figuring how to upload them on my BRAND NEW APPLE POWERBOOK!!!

- Saw my adorable niece this weekend before Halloween, TOTES ADORABLE!!!!! She dressed up as Minnie Mouse. See now, I have my Niece wrapped around my gay little finger...I have a Bonnie Bell make-up kit hidden in my room, It's not mine I swear, and whenever my brother lets me look after her, she immediately jumps into my lap and does a model face. Girl done watches GIA and ZOOLANDER one too many times with Unky CoCo. I silently get up and get the Kit - o - Glamour. I take her into my mom's bathroom and sit her in front of the mirror and open the bag full of whorish delights. Last time I timed her, it took her 3 minutes to apply a lip sheen, some eye shadow to her cheek and attempt to eat the flavored lip gloss. Gurl looked good. I snapped some picks with my digi which I will upload when i figure out this genius-box.

- Halloween...Not the major ordeal that it has been the past. Dressed up as a victim from Alfred Hitchcock's THE BIRDS. Blah blah blah drank copius amounts of berr blah blah blah got fake blood all over my Thomas Pink shirt. PISSED OFF BITCHES

- Not to sound gay (but i do have sex with men) but whenever I see a toddler on the street, i totally pull out the earbuds, and literally get down on all fours and make a toatal ass of myself. Case in point, Cosi on Capital Hill, went to go get my turkey sandwich and what do I see...the cutest asian girl all dressed up for Halloween. I dropped my sandwich, went down on all fours and procceeded to let her put Doraa the Explorer all over my suit. People thought I was a retard, I thought I was in love.

- I am trying to get Frank the Spank to co-blog with me on Saturday, talk him up, annoy him until he gives in. Frank is a strong African woman, who was born in a cabin in the Mississippi Delta. his insights in life are crap, i mean crazy.