Wednesday, October 19, 2005

I got kicked out of class for breaking a monkey's skull...

- One of the sad things about transferring colleges is that many of your basic credits don't transfer with ya. Goodbye Organic Chemistry at GW, hello freshmen anthropology at UMD. This class sucks my balls. All we do is watch National Geographic movies about "Lost Tribes" apparently not only have they lost their clothing, but also the ancient art of circumcision. I have had to excuse myself from class twice because foreskins make me nauseous, and I would much rather visit the caged animals in the chemistry building. Well anyway, the lab that is required for this class meets every Wednesday for 2 hours. ADD kicks in hardcore upside my headpiece. Basically it's 13 freshmen fawning over me because I can buy beer...and lots-o-monkey bones. Apparently since we are not in the "Advanced" Anthro class they don't break out the human skeletons so we have to make do with the bones of chimps, gibbons, spider monkeys and a gorilla that my T.A. has named Mr. Bananas (My T.A. is either retarded and can't find her helmet or an Anthropology grad student, I am betting on the first). When talking about the skeletal structure of said gorilla we must phrase statements like this, "Mr. Banana's broad scapula spread means he is most likely to be useless climbing a tree". This has made me feel even more stupid than I normally do. Today I got my revenge. In lab each group is assigned one on Mr. Banana's major bone systems. My group got the cranium, top vertebrate and clavicle. Now Retardo the T.A. lays these on our table and what is the first thing I do...Take the top of Mr. Banana's skull off and whip out a cigg (unlit) and pretend his big old head is an ashtray. My group giggles like school girls. I continue yukking it up and pick up the top half of the skull and place it on my head, SHALOM!!!!! It magically morphs into a yarmukle and I am the first Jew on the block to get a gorilla skull god cap. Well as I was playing Yentel, the skull slips, hits the side of my table and shatters into 300 pieces. I was promptly kicked out of class. Not only was I kicked out but I have to explain to my parents why there is gonna be a $250 charge on my college bill for "Replacement Gorilla Skull". Somehow I don't think they are gonna grasp the concept of Mr. Banana's and his adventure in Judaism.

- On Saturday I am heading to Baltimore (aka Scabies-ville) to go to a BLACK HOMO CLUB!!!! It's this clib called the Paradox, and on the third Saturday of every month, they hold a vogue contest. Like old school, "Paris Is Burning" contest. Cha Cha and some other millitant black lesbians have offered their services as bodyguards so bitched don't slice a fucker. IT"S ALL GONNA BE OVER, but at least I can get all dead and shit while listening to some good old b-more go-go.

Thursday, October 13, 2005 are NOT little Propecia's father.

- Sittin here, getting ready to go to the hill to bother politcal people or something. So far I have been a bad boy, skipped class today because I saw a preview for today's Maury Povitch Show. And you know my ass loves me some DNA testing, So far this lady has had 13 men tested to see if "de be my baby's daddy". Sorry Shavonte, i guess you are gonna have look through that rolodex of a pussy and bring in a 14th, 15th, every man in the tri-state area. I hope your child sits on your face while you are sleeping and smothers you to death with a shit filled diaper. Best part was the man who told Slutoya Jackson that he "Didn't want to wife her" ahhh the modern American lexicon, how i love theeeeeeee...

- Cha Cha and I went to an open house at HRC tuesday night for capital hill staffers. Cornelius + Militant Black Lesbian + Open Bar + Fags in suits = homohilarity. We ended up double fisting glasses of shiraz and peeing in the sink in the "Intersexed" bathroom because all the other stalls were full. GOOOOO GAY RIGHTS!!!!

- What drugs were Frankee and I on...
(actually i am sure this sad old fart is referencing another fag cream tag team that happens to share our names)

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Jesus is the reason I am freezin'

- I just found out that my legal writing professor owns Amsterdam Falafel Shop in Adams Morgan...Should i be excited that he offered me free grub whenever i am in the neighborhood or freaked out that MY PROFESSOR FOR LEGAL WRITING CLASS OWNS A FALAFEL SHOP!

- Went to Halo last night with a new friend, the crowd there on Mondays suck wang dang doodles. I got drunk and asked this one fag if I could braid his silky ponytail, he almost choked on the faggy 7 dollar bottle of Voss water he was sipping.

- After Halo my friend and I sauntered over to JR's for showtunes (aka J'adore Yentel) night. Ran into some guy i celebrated the 4th of July with and never called, tiddle bit awkward. Also watched a sassy black man get all unconsious and fall on the floor in front of me, bitched to friends he was giving fags a bad name because he was wearing black leather shoes with a brown leather belt.

- Went to HRC career fair on saturday and sunday with my fave millitant black lesbians Alex and Cha Cha. Got 2 interviews with prestigious DC lawfirms and got taken out for drinks by public relations head of HRC. Care factor 100.

- Got invite for 5th year class reunion. Am I going? HELLA YEAH!!! since the hubby is in London, methinks i will bring gay porn star friend or Phillipino tranny. Can't wait to punch all the pregnant bitches in their guts.

- Legal theory professor accused me of being a republican, told me after class he was glad that i represented the GOP's view in class against "those pot head liberal" classmates. Told him i was a faggot democrat and didn't enjoy him making assumptions about my peers. Peace out A+, nice knowing ya.

- Happy National Coming Out Day bitches. May your days be filled with sexy adventures in pink palaces inhabited by unicorns, kittens, and Dj's that only play Kylie and Dusty Springfield songs.

- Met Bo Derrick at work the other day. Her face looks like this (Cornelius pulls sides of face tight and pouts lips like a drunk Olsen twin) and told me to tell my boss the Democratic Congressman to basically approve all the republican spending bills. She walked into MY office and told ME to DO something??? Don't she know she interupted my game of Oregon Trail. Fuck you Bo Derrick, fuck you for facillitating my covered wagon flipping over in the snake river. And for God's sake put some clothes on when you come to capital hill, no one wants to see your itty bitty titties barely covered by a blouse that is obviously an Randolph Duke knockoff. Fucking vagina faced whoremonger.

and I am spent.