Sunday, August 28, 2005

I'm a mess...clean me up bitches

- John Norris from MTV is gayer than Andy Dick roller skating through Dupont Circle in a rainbow bodysuit farting glitter and reciting Emily Dickinson poetry about vaginas.

- To celebrate my new job, I got wasted and stumbled into JR's where I was promptly kicked out (for a second for cussing out this bitch I used to fuck. Messy boy, very messy.

- While I was home I was invited to go to my 5 year class reunion, I want to bring a big old nelly fag with me...any takers. My friends and I will just be getting drunk and punching pregger trailer sluts in the stomach. Come with.

- I want to date Zach Posen.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Like Elle Woods with a ding dong...a very nice ding dong.

- Well I am home at my parent's farm. Maxin', Relaxin', watching "You've Got Served". The country air has made me long for a house of my own even more. But to get that house one needs money and that brings me to my next item...

- I's done gots me a J-O-B!!!! Now don't be scared but I will be working pretty high up in our government for a member of congress. I have no idea how I got this job but methinks the headshot I attatched to my resume might have something to do with it. On Monday morning I will be walking up the steps of the Capital building Pucci tie on, snap cup in hand, ready to change the world and show these barneys what a real man looks like....

- So I went out with fellow blogger Toby (not my brother) last Friday. We went to the Guerilla Queer Bar Invasion at lucky bar. Needless to say there was some pokin' and prodin' going on. Fags were in full effect...'specially the narsty ones. We ended the night at the fairground port-o-potty known as Omega. Toby tried to steal some rough neck jigga's beer...Bad Toby, Bad BAD!!!
Methinks he was feeling high after his recent change in sexual proclitivity....SNAPS GURRLL.

- Ok I am off to see 40-year old virgin with my younger (now sexualy active) brother. He uses these brother bonding times to ask me the most random sex questions. My older brother informed me that my younger brother accidently fell asleep / passed out on some skank and ended up peeing on her...Let's just say Cornelius is gonna need a strong Mocha-tini at the local TGI Fridays after this little Dr. Ruth session we are gonna have. Also my younger bro is turning 21 on sept 10th, my roommate and I are going to get him wasted sometime in the upcoming weeks so if you are interested in molesting a fresh 21 year old (girls only) spit some game this way and I'll tell you where to meet us up at.

...Back to You Got Served...Lil' Kim is the bestest actress in the world / jail

Bend and Snap,

Thursday, August 11, 2005

The dungeon is located on the top floor ma'am....At least my crotch doesn't itch.

- So my lover has officially left me, for London. He's gone for a year so you know what that means...Lots of tears, grief stricken dinners alone, and anonymous handjobs in the alley behind Cobalt. The year of 8th grade style copulation has arrived.

- So at work we host "private parties". Not the "private parties" that strip clubs do, but local fetish organizations will rent the top floor and have a gay old cat o nine tail whipping time. This past week was a group called BOUND ( . Now a lil backstory on BOUND. When my friend crazy Christie and I were in high school, we thought we were too cool for all the other losers who stole 3 zima's from their stepfather's fridge and called it a party. We were cosmopolitan bitches with a penchant for going to shady nightclubs in the hope that old men would buy us drinks. Methinks we watched "Jawbreaker" one too many times. Anywho, the first club that we stumbled upon after getting lost on Conn. Ave was a Asian dance club whose name escapes me. The Asians no likey me and Christie so we headed down a back stair case...into BOUND. My testes almost reascended into my lower abdomen when I saw what I hoped was a lady beating the shit out of her small leather clad friend who was chained to a cross like structure. Needless to say we called it an early night and peed on a dumpster somewhere behind an embassy. Well my boss neglected to tell me I was working with the bound party the other night. It was interesante to say the least. It was packed and the people were really friendly and nice to me except for the one lady that tried to draw my blood with her metal fingernail thing. I am always amazed at the demographics of fetish parties. most people would think that they would all be pervy old men and drugged up little girls but that is not true in the least. As a rule, the guys look like roadies from the last Whitesnake world tour and the women resemble a cross between the receptionist at your dentists office and a school bus driver. Total run of the mill folks that just so happen like to have riding crops inserted into their asses by a transsexual name Madame. To each their own, but the funny part is that a lot of the BOUND people would accidentally come in the wrong entrance of the bar and we would have to tell them where the party was located. If I had a leather dog collar for every time I had to tell some woman from Rockville that "The dungeon is located upstairs past the popcorn machine. Needless to say, I got hit on, but the man had a corset on that screamed bossy bottom so I declined.

- I am slowly starting to heal from chicken pox. I am slowly starting to rethink swallowing all those pills and taking my life. Contrary to the popular media campaign...Da Pox don't Rox. Its such a refreshing feeling to have to quarantine all of your clothes and be forced to wear one pair of shorts, boxer briefs and wifebeater everyday. These three items must be washed in hydrochloric acid detergent everynight of course, which make life oh so fun. Before I knew what I had I went to my dermatologist to see what was wrong. I think she assumed they were the herpes or the scabies because she asked me to show her my gentle berries so she could look for a rash. I think she just wanted to cop a feel. After she diagnosed me and returned my bangers and mash back to its rightful place she said with a slightly sexy voice..."Well at least its not an STD". I immediately wanted to show her the copy of Black Inches I had in my bookbag to set her straight but decided not to ruin her fantasy of getting a Cornelius pudd'n pop.

- On a totally non related note but a funny one none the less...My two best friends from high school and I are going to be running in the AIDS marathon in New Orleans on February 5th. We are team "Doody Bubble" and will have shirts with the lovely Miss Whitney on the back. I need to raise 2700 dollas to go so I will be posting info later on how you can help me reach my goal. Don't be cheap, remember all the good lays you got out of me. That means you Frankie.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005


- So I am chillin in my apartment, throwing lit matchbooks out my window into rush hour traffic and my friend Marcello calls me. He tells me about this show called "Celebrity Fit Club" on VH1. He tells me that Gary Busy is getting ready to go crazy on some drill sergeant that called him a fatty turd or something. I turn it on and well lemme just say, Mr. Busey is one crazy ass mother fucker. When I have kids and I find pot in their rooms, I am going to sit them down and make them watch the former crackhead Mr. Busey in all his glory. It will scare them out of the crackhouse and into the clubhouse. Not only does he have a new anacronym for each of his weigh in sessions (T.E.A.M. - Together Everyone Achieves More), but they have a picture of him shirtless that makes me swallow a lil bit of vomit everytime I see it. Hes like a caucazoid Buddha with an oversized set of chompers. Well this is a warning, DO NOT WATCH THIS SHOW, you will become addicted. It will start off with a little Tocarra smoking, then a little bump of Jackay, pretty soon you are mainlining Wendy the Snapple Lady and ignoring all stat homework you have to do. Its just a warning, but a realistic one.

- Well I am off to my first gay house party in about 6 months tonight with some friends, god help me not cuss fags out tonight, I want to be popular...and get laid.

Well at least it wasn't juvenile diabetes....

- I am getting over having chickenpox...It sucks balls. Combine that with the stifling humidity in my apartment, and it makes for a rip roaring ass, back, leg, arm scratching time. I know a 23 year old with a toddlers hot is that.

- I got a job for after college...Good thing, I will be making bank and be able to move to Capital Hill, which is my fave neighborhood in the city. Apparently I will be working in the capital building for my congress man, but not lowly internship coffee grabbing, ass kissing position but an actually job that pays me to dress up in fine suits and bitch at people that don't want to listen to me or my representative. They even have a program that will pay for some of my law schoolin'. WOOHOO, off to Ralph Lauren to buy me some suits.

- I am officially on the market again, time to play "Who wants to date a Corneliusanaire". No hard feelings, it just wasnt gonna work out. I celebrated this milestone in my life by drinking a fifth of stoli and heading over to my bar for kareoke. I chose the very sassy "Love is a Battlefield" by a one Miss Pat Benitar. I completed this performance by replicating the shoulder shimmy that made the music video oh so tasty. I think I frightened people more than entertained them. I then had a convo on my way home about the craziness that is Tom Cruise with a hooker on 14th street. Sweet girl, fierce shoes.

- Saw Wedding Crashers with my little bro this weekend, fucking hilarious. The street that I live on is actually in the film, so that makes it all the better. The only thing that unnerved me was my brother who I still see as a vulnerable 7 year old, even though he is 21 telling me about fucking a girl in a bathroom, apparently I now wear the crown of slut brother so in the future all my brothers sex questions will be directed at me instead of my retired male whore of an older brother. To top this little "girls have a button, boys have a pole" outing, retarded me spilled my bottle of merlot that I openly carried into the theatre all over my new royal elastic shoes that match my powder blue eyes. It now looks like some pregger woman's water broke on my zapatos. BOOO WHORE

- Went home this past weekend. I really missed the farm. The open spaces, my car, the water, the free food and laundry. I went for a long walk all around the farm and decided that I want to build my summer house there when I am older, right on the water. Sometimes its pretty hard to come back to the city...le sigh.