Thursday, July 14, 2005

I am a teenage girl and the lack of pussy in DC

- Rumor has it (ok it was printed in the Washington Post Express) that Alanis Morresitte (how do you spell her last fucking name?) is gonna be on my all time favorite show DEGRASSI!!!! She apparently has signed on to play the principal. Lets hope that she keeps her clothes on as to not scare Marco into an eating disorder, Spinner into a violent rage and Liberty into constructing a robot that will ethnically cleanse The Degrassi Community School. The sad thing is that most of these tweens prolly have no idea who Alanis is, besides the random VH1 unplugged specials they catch in between coke binges and botox treatments to keep their 28 year old faces looking oh so jail bait material. You You You oughta know!!!

- I am sure that some of you out there are aware of my giant distrust and lack of emotional connection with the elderly. They run red lights, smell like hospitals, and put the crotch into crotchety. The code word for drunk elderly men at my bar is Chester (the molester). Like I needed another reason to push Horace and Matilda in front of a Blue line train towards Largo, this interesting story pops up. Now I know where all the good pussy in DC went...
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/07/13/AR2005071302329.html

- Went to Hotel Helix with my "friend" the other day for happy hour. Not only can you get a great hamburger and a fancy imported beer for $7, but the interior is absolutely crazy sexy cool. As Prince Consort to the Nation's Capital, I Cornelius declare Hotel Helix my new Happy hour spot, with the occasional jaunt over to Halo cause they have 2 for 1 specials, So sayeth the Lord. If anyone wants to stalk me....

- This weather sucks dong. When did my building sprout a jet engine and fly itself into the middle of the mutha fuckin Amazon jungle? I had the misfortune of leaving my window open one night when I went out and when I came home at 3am, I looked at my alarm clock which has a thermometer on it and it was 83 fucking degrees in my room. Not only were the walls sweating like a whore in church but I had let in about 3000 mosquitoes, YAY. I woke up with welts all over my sun kissed, waxed, sinewy body. I now think I have West Nile virus...DC, the love affair is almost over.

- Summer classes suck ding dongs also. I went to my "Law and Constitutionality" class about hmm lemme see 3 times and I managed to pull an A. Now I am the first to say that I am a mensa level Genius with blessed genitalia, but honestly, this class is kind of an intro to law school and if law school is this easy, well the next three years are going to be a piece of easy cake with some braindead flavored icecream on the side.

- Why am I obsessed with marriage recently? The past few weeks I have been researching tuxes and historic homes to hold my sinfilled ceremony. I even registered my nuptials to Anderson Cooper at Tiffany.com. http://www.tiffany.com/registry/registry_pur.asp?registryID=403044 & I melt when I see babies, even ugly ones. I constantly find myself flipping through Modern Bride magazine at Barnes and Noble. Will someone please propose to me, to end this insanity??? So far I have alienated all my prospective lovers with mentions of walking down the isle. I was born to be a house husband, help me fulfill this lifelong dream people. PS if you love me buy me something pretty, nothing cheap or I will cut your face.

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