Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Geriatric Pick up Lines, My Brother is Dating a B-list Celeb and I can Pass out Anywhere...

- One of the less than exciting part of my job is occasionally manning the front door. I check ID's even thought our clientele average age is 400. I also get to kick out and beat up the drunks that try to molest me. Not only does throwing out "Grandpa Drinks-a-lot" help to tone my upper body, but also unfortunately leaves me open to the drunken advances of elderly faggolas. Now I respect balls, I do admit that I am a pretty intimidating guy, most people assume I would rather kick your ass rather than fuck it. So when a senile alky tries to spit game at me, I kindly laugh, thank him for his efforts and then disable him with a crushing Judo chop or tell him that I am a vampire. However, sometimes the pick-up lines are too good to be kept to myself...so I am sharing this gem with you, my sassy readers...

Grandpa - Son, you are definitely my fantasy
Cornelius - More like fanta-cant-see-this-ever-happening
Grandpa - I live in Dupont, that's close by, when do you get off.
Cornelius - Umm with you...prolly never.
ZINGER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Drunk old man - You are hot, you should go into broadcast journalism...
Cornelius - That is the most random thing I have ever heard you fucking faggot.

- My loverly parents took me out to dinner at Monocle in Capital Hill this week to dish the dirt about the disfuntionalityation that is my family. Apparently, my uncle and his life partner, ball tugger, personal stained glass window maker ect. just bought a house on Fire Island. Mind you these are the same uncles that also own a sweet apartment in Dupont, and a farm in Middleburg, VA, gay bitches need to share the wealth, but not their gayness. My lesbian cousin and her wifey are adopting a child, they were pissed when they told my aunt because she said that they were copying Angelina Jolie...Apparently the lezzies no like Lara Croft stealing their adoption thunder. My younger brother is currently teaching my 2 year old niece the fine art of prostitution. He pays her $1 every time she hugs him and $5 when she gives him a kiss. All I gotta say is Dr. Phil is gonna have one hell of a time figuring that one out. Finally on the family front, my older brother who used to make me eat cat food and beat me in my sleep is now dating a b-list local celeb. She apparently has a fucking huge condo in Logan Circle which I plan on fucking my tricks in, since she is hardly ever there. She picked me up in her SLK and took me to Lauriol Plaza where I decided I was going to mooch on her for all it's worth. Can bitches say 2 pitchers of sangria gratis thanks to sugar quasi-sister in law?

- Have you ever had one of those weekends where you wake up half naked on a balcony across from the Whole Foods on P Street???? I don't really recommend it. DAMN YOU HALO WITH YOUR TASTY CAPRIHIANAS (and tastier bartenders )!!!!!!!!

- ps, I really love Halo and have decided that will be the only gay bar I will ever go to...Besides Wet for the occasional slap in the face by an 18 year old dong.

Love,
Big Baby Jesus

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