Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Geriatric Pick up Lines, My Brother is Dating a B-list Celeb and I can Pass out Anywhere...

- One of the less than exciting part of my job is occasionally manning the front door. I check ID's even thought our clientele average age is 400. I also get to kick out and beat up the drunks that try to molest me. Not only does throwing out "Grandpa Drinks-a-lot" help to tone my upper body, but also unfortunately leaves me open to the drunken advances of elderly faggolas. Now I respect balls, I do admit that I am a pretty intimidating guy, most people assume I would rather kick your ass rather than fuck it. So when a senile alky tries to spit game at me, I kindly laugh, thank him for his efforts and then disable him with a crushing Judo chop or tell him that I am a vampire. However, sometimes the pick-up lines are too good to be kept to myself...so I am sharing this gem with you, my sassy readers...

Grandpa - Son, you are definitely my fantasy
Cornelius - More like fanta-cant-see-this-ever-happening
Grandpa - I live in Dupont, that's close by, when do you get off.
Cornelius - Umm with you...prolly never.
ZINGER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Drunk old man - You are hot, you should go into broadcast journalism...
Cornelius - That is the most random thing I have ever heard you fucking faggot.

- My loverly parents took me out to dinner at Monocle in Capital Hill this week to dish the dirt about the disfuntionalityation that is my family. Apparently, my uncle and his life partner, ball tugger, personal stained glass window maker ect. just bought a house on Fire Island. Mind you these are the same uncles that also own a sweet apartment in Dupont, and a farm in Middleburg, VA, gay bitches need to share the wealth, but not their gayness. My lesbian cousin and her wifey are adopting a child, they were pissed when they told my aunt because she said that they were copying Angelina Jolie...Apparently the lezzies no like Lara Croft stealing their adoption thunder. My younger brother is currently teaching my 2 year old niece the fine art of prostitution. He pays her $1 every time she hugs him and $5 when she gives him a kiss. All I gotta say is Dr. Phil is gonna have one hell of a time figuring that one out. Finally on the family front, my older brother who used to make me eat cat food and beat me in my sleep is now dating a b-list local celeb. She apparently has a fucking huge condo in Logan Circle which I plan on fucking my tricks in, since she is hardly ever there. She picked me up in her SLK and took me to Lauriol Plaza where I decided I was going to mooch on her for all it's worth. Can bitches say 2 pitchers of sangria gratis thanks to sugar quasi-sister in law?

- Have you ever had one of those weekends where you wake up half naked on a balcony across from the Whole Foods on P Street???? I don't really recommend it. DAMN YOU HALO WITH YOUR TASTY CAPRIHIANAS (and tastier bartenders )!!!!!!!!

- ps, I really love Halo and have decided that will be the only gay bar I will ever go to...Besides Wet for the occasional slap in the face by an 18 year old dong.

Love,
Big Baby Jesus

Thursday, July 14, 2005

I am a teenage girl and the lack of pussy in DC

- Rumor has it (ok it was printed in the Washington Post Express) that Alanis Morresitte (how do you spell her last fucking name?) is gonna be on my all time favorite show DEGRASSI!!!! She apparently has signed on to play the principal. Lets hope that she keeps her clothes on as to not scare Marco into an eating disorder, Spinner into a violent rage and Liberty into constructing a robot that will ethnically cleanse The Degrassi Community School. The sad thing is that most of these tweens prolly have no idea who Alanis is, besides the random VH1 unplugged specials they catch in between coke binges and botox treatments to keep their 28 year old faces looking oh so jail bait material. You You You oughta know!!!

- I am sure that some of you out there are aware of my giant distrust and lack of emotional connection with the elderly. They run red lights, smell like hospitals, and put the crotch into crotchety. The code word for drunk elderly men at my bar is Chester (the molester). Like I needed another reason to push Horace and Matilda in front of a Blue line train towards Largo, this interesting story pops up. Now I know where all the good pussy in DC went...
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/07/13/AR2005071302329.html

- Went to Hotel Helix with my "friend" the other day for happy hour. Not only can you get a great hamburger and a fancy imported beer for $7, but the interior is absolutely crazy sexy cool. As Prince Consort to the Nation's Capital, I Cornelius declare Hotel Helix my new Happy hour spot, with the occasional jaunt over to Halo cause they have 2 for 1 specials, So sayeth the Lord. If anyone wants to stalk me....

- This weather sucks dong. When did my building sprout a jet engine and fly itself into the middle of the mutha fuckin Amazon jungle? I had the misfortune of leaving my window open one night when I went out and when I came home at 3am, I looked at my alarm clock which has a thermometer on it and it was 83 fucking degrees in my room. Not only were the walls sweating like a whore in church but I had let in about 3000 mosquitoes, YAY. I woke up with welts all over my sun kissed, waxed, sinewy body. I now think I have West Nile virus...DC, the love affair is almost over.

- Summer classes suck ding dongs also. I went to my "Law and Constitutionality" class about hmm lemme see 3 times and I managed to pull an A. Now I am the first to say that I am a mensa level Genius with blessed genitalia, but honestly, this class is kind of an intro to law school and if law school is this easy, well the next three years are going to be a piece of easy cake with some braindead flavored icecream on the side.

- Why am I obsessed with marriage recently? The past few weeks I have been researching tuxes and historic homes to hold my sinfilled ceremony. I even registered my nuptials to Anderson Cooper at Tiffany.com. http://www.tiffany.com/registry/registry_pur.asp?registryID=403044 & I melt when I see babies, even ugly ones. I constantly find myself flipping through Modern Bride magazine at Barnes and Noble. Will someone please propose to me, to end this insanity??? So far I have alienated all my prospective lovers with mentions of walking down the isle. I was born to be a house husband, help me fulfill this lifelong dream people. PS if you love me buy me something pretty, nothing cheap or I will cut your face.

Friday, July 08, 2005

New post upside your head

Some things daddy likes:

- The tranny that came into the bar on Karioke night and sang "I've got the Music in me" by the Kiki Dee Band. Bitch turned it out then was found passed out in the bathroom...oopsie poopsie!

- Coffee, really good coffee. None of this watery 7-11 bull shit but some grade A java that makes you wanna slap your mama. Once I have one cup, someone really could slap my mama and I would just brush it off because the ensuing fight might make me spill my precious beverage and that would not be good.

- Seafood. Being from Maryland and being raised with the Patuxent River in my back yard, I am highly critical of seafood restaurants that charge 28 fucking dollars for a crabcake that taste like ass. I demand nothing but the best when it comes to seafood and I found my new favorite place, my parents even liked it. It's called Hank's Oyster Bar and it's on Q street, where the old Trios was located. They have the best oysters and the hottest waiters. If you are in DC definitely go there.

- My fraternity brother Chris, has a new website. This kid is fucking hilarious. His site www.chriswirth.com recounts his crazy nights fucking chicks and boozing. He was the one that actually encouraged my crippling alcoholism when I lived in my fraternity house. If there is an open bar in the DC metro area, you can be sure he would be there shirtless with some bitch from Rockville's titty in his mouth. Isn't that a lovely mental image.

- The TV show, 30 Days, by Morgan Spurlock, the guy from Super Size Me. It comes on FX and is worth a watch. The last episode took a straight religious Midwestern boy and sent him to the MUTHER FUCKING CASTRO DISTRICT. Boy was gonna get raped. He lived with a faggola and went out to clubs and gay groups and all the normal faggoty stuff. The best part was when he went to a gay club and he is sooo straight that he just had to assert is hetero-normalcy by taking off his shirt and dancing like a fag on a go-go box. Yeah enjoy that dick up your ass straight boy.

Now some things daddy don't like...

- The multi culti tard fest of a commercial that is the new Pepsi ad. A bunch of ethnically ambiguous model/waiters/tricks sing on a rooftop about a soft drink. If I ever caught bitches doing that on my roof, I would gleefully beat them to death with their "vintage" guitar and then roll their lifeless bodies off the roof and onto K street. LOVERLY

- The new Tanqueray commercial with that smug bastard known as Tony Sinclair. This retard glibly asks if you are "ready to Tanqueray"...Bitch I would not Tanqueray with you if my testes were on fire and you had an extinguisher.

And not related whatsoever...

- Currently watching Ghostbusters, I forgot how much I loved that movie. Does anyone realize that Bobby Brown is in it playing a doorman at the mayors office? HOT. When it came out my older brother and I used to stick the vacuum cleaner tube to my little brother's stomach and tell him that we were sucking the demons out of him, we were fucked up. That's all before Nay-Nay our sassy black nanny found us and made us pray for the next three hours for god to take the evil out of our hearts.