Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Who wants to date a Corneliusanaire????

- Over my years of living in our Nation's Capital, I have had the esteemed honor of dating some of DC's most eligible bachelors. Like Jerry Hall (with more booze and less evening gowns), I had my pick of some great and not so great guys, all of them should have been KEPT, but unfortunately they went the way of Ricardo (sans the striptease). The thing that sucks is after the fireworks have long subsided, I end up fucked because it's kind of uncomfortable being friends with these exes, plus their new beau's hate me catching up with them. What follows is my impression of them, what would appear in their profiles on the VH1 website perchance...

Luca - My first, boy was he awesome. Brazilian, played soccer, made kick ass caprihana's that got my 18 year old ass drunk at his sprawling colonial manse in Cleveland Park. Kind of lost touch when I officially came out and slutted it up for a while. Is now "married" to a great guy and we touch base every once and while. Just think, Cornelius could be gay married by now if I would have played my cards right. I would have finally gotten that soup tureen from Tiffany's I have been coveting so bad.

Justin - G-town student, I fell head over heels for him. Wasn't drop dead gorgeous, but the most amazing guy I had met. I was soo in love his gay ass I made him a fucking mixed tape, heavy on the Fiona Apple and Mazzy Star, how gay is that? He now lives in Boston with his lover.

Frankie - My gentle giant/Ken doll look-alike. We'll prolly get married in Copenhagen down the road. Was my first real "relationship" as in met his friends, had dates, picked me up in his mom's fly car. We still see each other every once and a while. Shares a work space with a sassy black lady which has warped his sense of humor and decency, which makes him even more lovable.

Dito - Dupont royalty, awesome guy who I thought fucked me over only to realize he was teaching me lessons on how to survive in the bitchy ass world of DC fags. Has a great dog that loves me because i'll take him to the dogpark whenever he wants.

Adam - Smart guy, sucks that we no longer talk.

Fernando - Still up in the air, smartest person I have ever met. Knew something special was going to happen the first moment I saw him, still trying to figure out what happened/is going to happen.

- I could write a book on each of them, but I was recently talking to a friend on why I am the kind of one date relationships (go on one date, have a great time, then it goes no where), he said for me to write what went great with all the people I had more than one date with and try to figure out what caused it. I guess this entry is my online equivalent to laying on a leather couch. Have so much more to write but must go lay on the roof and get tan.

Have a great week bitches

Friday, June 24, 2005

Update, Masturbate, Lactate, Haterate

- I haven't posted in a while because my computer sucks balls, bring on the Apple powerbook...if only I had something to blackmail my parents with...

- Pride was stupendous. Christie and I got caught peeing in public not once, but twice!!! Like Little Orphan Annie told Miss Hannagan, "When you gotta go, you gotta go", too bad it didn't work on the bull dyke / Hulk Hogan look-alike that gave me multiple pressure points while I was trying to drain my lizard.

- I lost my cell phone. Because I sweat Kia's balls so much, I too am getting a Blackberry. I will now be the most important looking person at my weekly sex parties, besides Anderson Cooper.

- Harry Potter is a great movie...CrossRoads on the other hand, not so much. It made me retarded, I had to go buy a helmet after watching it.

- It is summer so you know what that means, my apartment is filled with a flurry of international eurotrash friends that want to live in DC for the summer but feel no obligation to find an apartment to sublet. Currently we have 2 Indians, 1 Austrailian, and 1 Russian living in my place. To top it off, I have been hooking up with South Americans...I am like a gay, slutty foreign service outpost.

- Is it normal to get bruises while having sex, or does that make me a mascochist...or a porn star?

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Why KEPT is the da burm

It just keeps getting better and better. Kept on VH1 is awesome. It keeps me from cleaning my apartment, doing laundry, rubbing one out, it absorbs all of me. Not only is it an hour of manly mens, but apparently the asshole of the group, Ricardo, has a secret past....it just keeps getting better.


I am voting for Austen or Jason because one is a yankee wasp and the other looks like a guy that I hooked up with...watch only if you want to be unproductive, you have been warned.

Friday, June 10, 2005


The MTV show Next. I LOVE how they actually have a large amount of fags on this show. The premise is that you go on five dates in one night, if you don't like your first date, you say "Next" and they bring out another glitter farting homo for you to make pottery, get your sack waxed, make iron-on tee's with. Well I LOVE LOVE LOOOOOOOVE how when they have a fag date going on, all they non daters end up hooking up with each other. Of course this show is taped in Hollywood, so everyone is a giant slut/actor/waiter/retail queen, so they have no prob with swapping some spit if it gets them a walk on role on That's So Raven, or Degrassi. Here's how I would see my date as going...

DATE #1: Tuan - Dancer at local go-go club and family studies major
DATE ACTIVITY - Picnic on the mall.
Cornelius - Hey, I was thinking, it's 99 degrees and 150% humidity, would you like to have a picnic on the mall.
Tuan - Bitch I be allergic to carbs, I want to hump this tree.
Cornelius - NEXT!!!

DATE #2: Charles - Georgetown Law Student
DATE ACTIVITY - Happy hour at JR's
Charles - Hi, I am Charles, I like volunteering, reading to retarded kids, and I am hoping to do human rights law.
Cornelius - Oh my god...I...am...soooo wasted. I just got a handjob in the bathroom.
Charles - NEXT
Cornelius - Fuck you bitch, suck my fat cock, I hate you, you are trash, do you know who the fuck I am bitch???

DATE #3: Marcello - Junior Psych Major
DATE ACTIVITY - String art on the White House lawn
Cornelius - Hey, I am Cornelius, tell me a little about yourself.
Marcello - I am an heir to a multi-million dollar vodka empire and I love dogs, plus I am good in bed.
Cornelius - WINNER!!!

The truth shall set you free bitches...I am so wasted right now.

My so-called (summer) life

My summer so far has consisted of...

- Copious amounts of Vodka and tonic.

- Working my ass off.

- Marathons of VH1's Stripped Search, Kept, and A Different World.

- Pretending I am Miss Whitley Gilbert at the Georgetown Ralph Lauren.

- Sleeping 12 hours a day.

- Going to 2 days of class out of 10.

- Getting a tan on my roof.

- Happy hour / social commentary on 17th street.

- Finding non-gay sleeveless shirts.

- Planning my 3rd Annual Pride Party / Drunken Porn Star Orgy with the Loverly Miss Christie.

- Having "adult" relations in public (long story).

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Work related poetry...And my mom is adopting a panda.

- So y'all know how much I love my job, good money, minimal work, fun people (in leather slings)...so anyway, Me being the poet that I am, was bored at work and decided to write some sonnets dedicated to my bar and its patrons. And it goes a lil something like this...

- Timmy's Daddy Done Got a Secret -
Dear Timmy, where has daddy gone
Off to Whole Foods, to bed with a yawn
A late night meeting, to pick up the slack?
NO, daddy has a bears dick up his crack!
Now mommy don't know, so this is our truce
After a few V and T's dad tries to seduce.
Now those nights you see your dad out of sorts
It's because he's into watersports.
He stands by the urinal, glass in his hand
Drinking it as sexily as one can.
Now your dad's friend Charles is really a whore
That's why he has clothes from the bestest of stores.
And you with no bookbag for the semester
Because he sold your virginity to a molester.
So you may have noticed your pa's wedding band is gone
It's lodged in the ass of some trick named Ron.
Now Ron is a nice man with kids just like you
And like your father he gets aroused by being covered in poo.
Now this sneaking and lying is no longer a fad
Order a cosmo your dad is a fag.

- Why Men Over the Age of 40 Should Be Shot -
Why don't I smile you ask me while I pass
It's because you tried to stick your thumb up my ass
You may have heard the rumor that bartenders are "fun"
But fuck your money bitch, I gots a trust fund.
You have more hair on your back than your head
10 more years your ass is dead
So I guess I understand why you want my dick
But fucking a corpse makes me feel so sick
So go back your your assisted living community and learn how to deal
The only boner you will be getting is from your pureed Thanksgiving meal.


- On a side note, my mom is having a birfday, we ran out of ideas, we adopted one of the pandas at the zoo in her name...Isn't that $1500 worth of fun? (My brothers wanted to get her a Starbucks card)

I WIN!!!!!