Monday, May 02, 2005

Second post in a day...must be the crack-a-lack.

Wanna hear some interesting facts about Cornelius???? (you know you do bitches)

- I am a direct heir to a mattress fourtune, all I have to do is knock off 3 cousins, and my older brother!!!! (note to self: fratricide is the new patricide)

- I am cuttently watching Springer instead of studying for my final oral presentation on GIANT BLACK WIENERS and their impact (cue: double entendre) on society.

- When I was younger I had a pet goose that adopted me and I named her Aunt Jamima...She was killed when I accidently fed her pennies.

- I am looking very hot today. The sad thing is that my "hot" consists of a baby blue sweater vest and checkerboard oxford shirt...I think my grandma would want a piece.

- Speaking on the subject of old people thinking I am hot...at work everyone is given a nickname by this old barfly queen, mine is Rock Hudson because I look like that golden matinee idol. He then told me when he that he used to masturbate to pictures of Rock, Methinks I am gonna be requesting a new nickname, I am gunning for Shazaam or Neil Patrick Harris.

- As much shit I talk about wanting to do human rights law, I really want to do divorce law and break families apart...and kick my morals all the way to the bank. Take that you theatre majoring bitches!!!!

- I am addicted to this show called "The L Word", I actually got a little tingle in my tummy when these two bitches were having sex...Who knew that when lesbians actually took their asses out of Home Depot that they could be mildly erotic?

- I find a silent joy in watching people cry, especially on TV. Case in point, The Maury Povitch Show. All these bitches are looking for their baby's daddies cause they slept with their cousin's friend's gang leader's physical therapist must be taking some make-believe pills. You know their asses wouldn't be invited on the show if their husbands were really their fathers. This all makes for one very joyous viewing experience.

- I have a fetish for men of the poor white trash persuasion, nothing like getting you and your car serviced at the same time. (addendum: This fetish has never been acted on because I am afraid of my watch, sheets, ramen noodles, ect. being stolen).

- I once shopped at Wal-Mart...no lie, I had an upper respitory infection the next day. Wal-Mart...slashing low prices and your body's immune system everyday!!!

- I want children one day. They are dick magnets...and life changing (blah blah whatever).

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