Friday, May 20, 2005

Like Crazy Moths to a Sexy Flame....An open letter to Jesus.

Hello Jesus,
It's me, Cornelius. Remember me? Yeah I know it's been a while but hey, some crazy shit has been happening in this world and I just wanted to touch base to make sure you weren't planning to smote my sexy gay ass. To start off, I am officially a fifth year senior. Yes Jesus, I am a modern day pariah. How did I tumble from my lofty perch as saludatorian in High School to a fucking...I mean friggin fifth year senior? Don't worry though, I have a 3.9 GPA and have been mentoring some of your lambs that are less than familiar with your invention...Deodorant.
Secondly, How in the world have I managed to go on so many dates with so many guys and not find a good one? I guess you guided them all to Seminary school. Please send me a big dicked, financially stable, slightly taller Johnathan Taylor Thomas look-alike and I will totally invite you to my party and hook you up with my friend Carter.
Terciary, why have I been such a make-out maniac recently? It's like you put all the biblical heat from the burning bush into my own. Please cure me of this "in heat" feeling I am detecting...I don't like feeling like a golden retriever.
Finally, Why do you allow wierdos to find me a la Friendster? Couldn't you steer the aforementioned long dong former Home Improvement star towards my profile. I have cut and pasted the latest message from my most recent paramour below...

Dear Cornelius,
Dear Cory, hi my name is bonny,im 22 years old.im a straight looking & discreet Gay in jakarta(indonesia).i know that you dont know me,i also dont know you! but i saw yur pic in some guy list friendster! you are so....cute! (^_^) specially yur eyes! im a big fan of yur eyes! your so....cute! by the way can i be on of your friendster? coz im a FRESH gay dude in jakarta! in yur profile,you say that you are a Gay,right?! i just wanna ask a thing about being Gay! coz i dont have a friend to talk & share about gay stuff! i really- really dont know what is bottom or top! can you explain it to me! coz i've only have a relationship one time & the sex is not that good,coz we always get drunk when we do it! now im single,my boyfriend & i agree to ceparate.coz long distance relationship just not working with us! well what about your self? how long have you being a gay? are your family know that your gay? coz my family dont know who i really am! thats why i need someone to talk to about gay things,i hope you wont mine to be my friend & reply this email for me! plz......add me as your friendster!! my email add:bonny_andretti@XXXXXXX.com ,thx for reading & replying my email. REGARD, Bonny.

Why Jesus Why?
I love you, please see to these requests...the tsunami people apparently aren't suffering anymore if they can surf the web for my ass.

Hearts, Kisses and Burn-free Pisses,

Cornelius

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