Monday, May 09, 2005

Cornelius is crushing, peed in his mom's closet and got beaten by a black woman...

- So I might think I have a crush, A large one. On a friend of a friend...Social alienation will ensue. But I think It will be worth it...

- Like a crack pipe to a sweaty Whitney Houston screaming "That's my Bobby!!!"...I AM ADDICTED BITCHES...To the TV show Nanny 911. It's all about these bratty rugrats (unlike my adopted Chinese twin girls Charlotte and Katherine) whose parents never showed them the business end of a closed fist. So I randomly started watching one night when I was avoiding writing my thesis. I was hooked. After the first five minutes, I had to call Mother, being that (she avoided much of her parental duties like a proper WASP) we had a nanny growing up, I wanted her to see just how much she really emotionally abandoned us between the years of 1984-1994. She loved it as well. The one difference we noted was that our nanny (Nay-Nay) wasn't a prim and proper English lady. She was a 400 pound sassy black lady that taught me how to blow bubbles, play old maid and BEAT THE WHITE OUT OF ME AND MY BROTHERS IF WE FUCKED UP! None of this "time out" bullshit, or "share or I will not let you go outside and play". If we disobeyed Nay-Nay, we got Cut/Sliced. Not only was she an AME ordained reverend, but bitch had permission from my parents to Kill Whitey if we fucked up. Between my two crackheaded brothers and I, we managed to make her go into an early retirement. This was after she broke a wooden soup spoon on my older brother's ass after he put my mom's bichon fris in the dryer. I remember she had a grand daughter that used to come by and play with us. She was my first kiss (inter-racial, I know, so Rainbow Coalition of me). Her grand daughter and I were also caught more than once peeing in my parent's closet. I don't know why, I think it was like how people do the whole blood brother/sister thing, we did a piss sibling thing. She would take my dad's closet, I would take my mom's, usually aiming for her fancy shoes. The grand daughter is now pre-med at Columbia, go figure. Big Momma Nay-Nay was there through me breaking my little brother's arm twice, my little brother falling into a TV, my little brother diving into the bay at low tide and breaking his neck, my little brother drinking anti-freeze, my little brother eating dog poop that we fed him, basically she was there everytime my brother lowered his IQ more than 5 points. She still sends me blueberry pies (which I am highly allergic to) every year on my birthday...Now that is a salty bitch. I can't wait to have kids and hire me a Nay-Nay. Nannies rule!!! Emotionally involved parents drool!!!


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