Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Jet set, my crotch is wet...

Sorry I haven't written in a while but between trips to San Fran (gay), NYC (gayer), Fire Island (wish I realized lube is not an effective sun-block), Rehomo (burn my eyes out there are 50 year old men wearing thongs gay), bartendering($$$), drinking wine that I stole from my parents (Vive alcoholism), summer class (fuck my brain piece), mentoring poor/stoned/drunk kids (your asses are all going to prison why am I wasting my time?), and testing the relationship waters (SCHWING), I have been a busy mo-fo. Me thinks I will take a few weeks off, but have no fear, I am going to pride this year dressed as a porn star (Clem the Cowboy) with my friend Christy yet again. We will be getting "we-tall-did" (retarded) and telling people to "Buy the wienies". Pictures (and hilarity) will ensue.

Fuck y'all bitches I am going to bed.

p.s. If you get Showtime, you MUST watch Mario Cantone's one man show "Laugh Whore"...It's der schitt!!

Friday, May 20, 2005

Like Crazy Moths to a Sexy Flame....An open letter to Jesus.

Hello Jesus,
It's me, Cornelius. Remember me? Yeah I know it's been a while but hey, some crazy shit has been happening in this world and I just wanted to touch base to make sure you weren't planning to smote my sexy gay ass. To start off, I am officially a fifth year senior. Yes Jesus, I am a modern day pariah. How did I tumble from my lofty perch as saludatorian in High School to a fucking...I mean friggin fifth year senior? Don't worry though, I have a 3.9 GPA and have been mentoring some of your lambs that are less than familiar with your invention...Deodorant.
Secondly, How in the world have I managed to go on so many dates with so many guys and not find a good one? I guess you guided them all to Seminary school. Please send me a big dicked, financially stable, slightly taller Johnathan Taylor Thomas look-alike and I will totally invite you to my party and hook you up with my friend Carter.
Terciary, why have I been such a make-out maniac recently? It's like you put all the biblical heat from the burning bush into my own. Please cure me of this "in heat" feeling I am detecting...I don't like feeling like a golden retriever.
Finally, Why do you allow wierdos to find me a la Friendster? Couldn't you steer the aforementioned long dong former Home Improvement star towards my profile. I have cut and pasted the latest message from my most recent paramour below...

Dear Cornelius,
Dear Cory, hi my name is bonny,im 22 years old.im a straight looking & discreet Gay in jakarta(indonesia).i know that you dont know me,i also dont know you! but i saw yur pic in some guy list friendster! you are so....cute! (^_^) specially yur eyes! im a big fan of yur eyes! your so....cute! by the way can i be on of your friendster? coz im a FRESH gay dude in jakarta! in yur profile,you say that you are a Gay,right?! i just wanna ask a thing about being Gay! coz i dont have a friend to talk & share about gay stuff! i really- really dont know what is bottom or top! can you explain it to me! coz i've only have a relationship one time & the sex is not that good,coz we always get drunk when we do it! now im single,my boyfriend & i agree to ceparate.coz long distance relationship just not working with us! well what about your self? how long have you being a gay? are your family know that your gay? coz my family dont know who i really am! thats why i need someone to talk to about gay things,i hope you wont mine to be my friend & reply this email for me! plz......add me as your friendster!! my email add:bonny_andretti@XXXXXXX.com ,thx for reading & replying my email. REGARD, Bonny.

Why Jesus Why?
I love you, please see to these requests...the tsunami people apparently aren't suffering anymore if they can surf the web for my ass.

Hearts, Kisses and Burn-free Pisses,

Cornelius

Monday, May 16, 2005

I belong in mensa, Wrote a paper about black Wang, Am being stalked, Two fags in a fountain and other musings...

- Finals rock. I totally forget how smart I am until finals time. While the rest of the bitches are studying and giving handjobs for passing grades, I have teachers telling me that it's not necessary to take the final because I can still get an A in the class because of my participation and extra credit. Fuck the haters...go write yo papers.

- I finished my thesis, It rocks out with its (large black socially conscious) cock out. It ended up being 47 pages, which basically boils down to me not having a life as fag-tastic as one would think this past semester. Couple that with the fact I am taking 19 credits, mentoring an English as a second language student and bartending on the weekend, it's a wonder that Cornelius gets any dick at all...but I manage. SNAP UPSIDE YOUR CELIBATE HEADS!!!

- I am currently in the process of filing a restraining order!!! (just like my bestest friends, the movie stars Nicole Kidman and Richard Gere!!) Nothing says "I don't want to get womb implant surgery and have your crazy love chil'rens" like a restraining order delivered by a hot ass cop that makes Mr. T look like a baton twirling majorette at a pride parade. It seems that this person (I know who you are asshole) feels spurned by me and took it upon themselves to send me harassing text messages and comments on my blog. Well homo don't play that. I will fucking castrate you bitch. How dumb do you think I am when you send me text messages pretending to be my friend when my friend is sitting across the table from me. Shame Shame Shame on you, you should have brushed up on your CSI: Miami episodes because what you have been doing is considered a "Viable Threat - malice aforethought with intent to harm" Now won't that make your parent's happy to know that you won't be able to get a job because when future employers do a background check, they'll see a previous police record with he words SEXUAL HARASSMENT attatched. Have fun being a retail queen. Do you not realize who the fuck you are fucking with? I get Starbucks baristas fired over luke-warm lattes, you expect me to let this slide? I definitely have enjoyed watching you deteriorate internally. You forget how easy it is to track people online, especially when you go through a website like vtext.com and have the audacity to leave your ISP address.

- This past week has been a lil to Out of Control for dear ole Cornelius. Thursday night I had Carter and Mike over for some jungle juice fun. Lets just say that whatever jungle came up with that juice should be mowed down and replaced with a Payless Shoes, Cosi, and some store that sells baby clothes. We got wasted here, so much that Mike turned into Chester (the mollester), and Carter and I decided to go to an "after party". While I can't tell the sordid details, the evening ended when I told Carter he was a giant slut and was going to get The Herpes. I left him in our cab...in the middle of the city...with no money. I am normally not an asshole, it was the jungle juice talking.

- Some (incredibly intuitive/crazy as a fox) man on the metro called me "Whitey". Now lemme see...was it my v-neck sweater, flip flops, or WHITE SKIN that gave it away. And all my brotha's said I was down...lies...all lies.

- Saturday night: The publication of my thesis party. The lezzie, gay, straight, other creme de la creme of my AIM buddy list was here. Bitches even rode the metro to get here, now that is either dedication, of crippling alcoholism. Well we all got drizzy, and it started getting late. Carte and I had to go meet people at Cobalt so we bounced, with about 10 people still in my apartment. I just told them not to steal anything and lock up, it was all gravy. we proceeded to Hoe-balt and got out drink/groove/stumble on and realized we didn't have enough money for a cab all the way home. So I told the cabbie to take us to one of my favorite corners in DC, 23rd and P. there is a little fountain there, big enough for two fags to play "softcore porn" in. It's one of a handful of potable (re: drinkable) fountains in DC. Well my drunk ass dove in, Carter took a lil more convincing so I pushed his gay ass in. Nipples erect, water glistening off our drunken bodies, tricks walking by did a double take to make sure it wasn't a Seancody.com shoot. It was def something out of a movie aka Cornelius's fucked up brain piece. Well people were gathering and we decide that we did not feel like getting arrested in the state that we were in so be bounced. As soon as I got home, I passed the fuck out. I was woken up by Carter and his glamorous/titty-liscious roommate Tiffany when they were headed out the door. On my computer was a little post it note that summed up the week. I read..."Dear Cornelius, Stop rubbing your cock in your sleep, Tiffany and Carter". My week was so good, even I had to give myself a hand.

- Congratulations to all the graduating seniors. Bitches is done with testin. Keep in touch, I wish you nothing but the best. Come visit my ass. This summer is gonna rock box (and I ain't talkin bout no cardboard).

- Next posting: Is a hate crime possible in a gay class?

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Not a good past 8 hours bitches...

- I had a massive panic attack last night and didn't get any sleep, which sucks because I have to stay up late tonight to edit my thesis. In case you don't know what a panic attack is, it's the worst thing ever in the world. You are filled with dread and the dread seems real, even if you are scared of like songbirds flying into your window with box cutters, IT SEEMS REAL. My dread focused on some social issues I am dealing with, nothing major, but apparently major enough to fuck my REM cycle up. They started about two years ago when I moved to DC. I hate them with a passion.

- Not only did I suffer from a panic attack, but our apartment was also 4000 degrees last night. One can only take off soo much clothing before you are naked, and if you are still hot, that's when you know something is fucked up. Internal temp. also goes up when you are experiencing a panic attack.

- I am a loyal reader of Page six. But this morning I wanted to vomit all over my silk komono and King Charles spaniel, Elizabeth Taylor, who was in my lap, after realizing the ultimate let-down had been brought to fruition...My gay arch enemy was mentioned in Page Six... http://www.nypost.com/gossip/43842.htm
Not only was he mentioned, he was mentioned as an object of sexual wanton lust for Barney Frank. Mikey and I used to be thick as theives. When I first moved here we used to fill our evenings with fast VIP rooms and faster 18 year old boys. We had a falling out over a guy (of course) and he's done stole my thunder bitches. I mean we are still cordial, but you know when you are still friendly with a person, but you realize you'll never be as close as you once were? Yeah, that's how it is...

- Not a good start to this Tuesday my chil'rens, and to top it off, I am stressing hardcore about the publication of my thesis on the fetishization of the black male form. If all goes right, I could be a nationally respected researcher on human sexuality that has had a work published, if it goes bad, I could be viewed as a cock obsessed college junior that had the audacity to think he could be published...At least I have my cool LGBT class today, and I aced a final yesterday!!

Monday, May 09, 2005

Cornelius is crushing, peed in his mom's closet and got beaten by a black woman...

- So I might think I have a crush, A large one. On a friend of a friend...Social alienation will ensue. But I think It will be worth it...

- Like a crack pipe to a sweaty Whitney Houston screaming "That's my Bobby!!!"...I AM ADDICTED BITCHES...To the TV show Nanny 911. It's all about these bratty rugrats (unlike my adopted Chinese twin girls Charlotte and Katherine) whose parents never showed them the business end of a closed fist. So I randomly started watching one night when I was avoiding writing my thesis. I was hooked. After the first five minutes, I had to call Mother, being that (she avoided much of her parental duties like a proper WASP) we had a nanny growing up, I wanted her to see just how much she really emotionally abandoned us between the years of 1984-1994. She loved it as well. The one difference we noted was that our nanny (Nay-Nay) wasn't a prim and proper English lady. She was a 400 pound sassy black lady that taught me how to blow bubbles, play old maid and BEAT THE WHITE OUT OF ME AND MY BROTHERS IF WE FUCKED UP! None of this "time out" bullshit, or "share or I will not let you go outside and play". If we disobeyed Nay-Nay, we got Cut/Sliced. Not only was she an AME ordained reverend, but bitch had permission from my parents to Kill Whitey if we fucked up. Between my two crackheaded brothers and I, we managed to make her go into an early retirement. This was after she broke a wooden soup spoon on my older brother's ass after he put my mom's bichon fris in the dryer. I remember she had a grand daughter that used to come by and play with us. She was my first kiss (inter-racial, I know, so Rainbow Coalition of me). Her grand daughter and I were also caught more than once peeing in my parent's closet. I don't know why, I think it was like how people do the whole blood brother/sister thing, we did a piss sibling thing. She would take my dad's closet, I would take my mom's, usually aiming for her fancy shoes. The grand daughter is now pre-med at Columbia, go figure. Big Momma Nay-Nay was there through me breaking my little brother's arm twice, my little brother falling into a TV, my little brother diving into the bay at low tide and breaking his neck, my little brother drinking anti-freeze, my little brother eating dog poop that we fed him, basically she was there everytime my brother lowered his IQ more than 5 points. She still sends me blueberry pies (which I am highly allergic to) every year on my birthday...Now that is a salty bitch. I can't wait to have kids and hire me a Nay-Nay. Nannies rule!!! Emotionally involved parents drool!!!

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

If you love me you'll give me an "A"

- So my lil multi-culti chil'rens, it's that time of the year...FINALS TIMES!!! Unfortunately finals this year for me consist of massive amounts of papers that have to be written and oral examinations that are quite different from the one's I am used to taking in the bathroom of Jr's. I wish it was like high school and you could just give your closeted teachers a pair of your used undies for a passing grade...Le sigh, tis not the case.

- Also this Sunday is Mudder's Day, and you know what they say, "You can't spell Mudder's Day without MURDER". So don't forget to buy that special lady who showed you your first piece of trim (for most of my readers besides Robin, it was also prolly the last) something classy. I went with a dozen pink tulips and a gift set from Kiehls. Nothing like getting my mother something that will be dead in a week and a bunch of creams that try to elimintate the signs of aging to say I HEART YOU. I just wanted to reward her for all of those years of not telling my father that she caught me dancing to her Barry Manilow records with her elbow length opera gloves on.

- Also If you have someone special in your life, who happens to be a big ol homophobe, what better way to melt their hearts then by getting them a GAY PET!!! Go over to http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/1039/ and take your pick. They even have a bacterium, and I don't know what says "Dad please put the shot-gun down and come to pride with me and my lover DeTwan" like a virtual gay bacterium.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Rev. Phelps is FAG-TASTIC!!!!! (and swallows)

So I was bored tonight while trying to write my paper. I was flipping through the TV and stumbled upon the new show by perrenial showmen Penn and Teller. It's called "Bullshit" and basically debunks all the right wing conspiracy theories. Well tonight's debate was on su-prise, su-prise HOMOS!!!! Well they mentioned the one very sassy Rev. Phelps and his God hates fags rhetoric. They also gave his website addy www.godhatesfags.com and boy oh boy does it have some interesting facts about me and my friends that I wasn't even aware of like...

-In one study, the average fag fellated somewhere between 20 and 106 men, swallowed 50 seminal discharges, had 72 penile penetrations of the anus, and ingested feces of 23 different men EVERY YEAR. (Work it out bitches!!!!)

-The median age of death of fags is 42 (only 9% live past age 65). This drops to 39 if the cause of death is AIDS. The median age of death of a married heterosexual man is 75. (Better buy those Pradas now ladies!!!!)

- Of fags questioned in one study, 43% admitted to 500 or more partners in a lifetime, 28% admitted to 1000 or more in a lifetime. ('Cause me so horny!!)

So, what did we learn???? I apparently need to stop this student mentoring thing and start eating some poop and I need to start ass-plowing every lovely lad I see because I want to reach my 1000 partner average before I croak at 42. Who's gonna help me reach this oh so noble goal??? I'm looking at you Anderson Cooper...

Second post in a day...must be the crack-a-lack.

Wanna hear some interesting facts about Cornelius???? (you know you do bitches)

- I am a direct heir to a mattress fourtune, all I have to do is knock off 3 cousins, and my older brother!!!! (note to self: fratricide is the new patricide)

- I am cuttently watching Springer instead of studying for my final oral presentation on GIANT BLACK WIENERS and their impact (cue: double entendre) on society.

- When I was younger I had a pet goose that adopted me and I named her Aunt Jamima...She was killed when I accidently fed her pennies.

- I am looking very hot today. The sad thing is that my "hot" consists of a baby blue sweater vest and checkerboard oxford shirt...I think my grandma would want a piece.

- Speaking on the subject of old people thinking I am hot...at work everyone is given a nickname by this old barfly queen, mine is Rock Hudson because I look like that golden matinee idol. He then told me when he that he used to masturbate to pictures of Rock, Methinks I am gonna be requesting a new nickname, I am gunning for Shazaam or Neil Patrick Harris.

- As much shit I talk about wanting to do human rights law, I really want to do divorce law and break families apart...and kick my morals all the way to the bank. Take that you theatre majoring bitches!!!!

- I am addicted to this show called "The L Word", I actually got a little tingle in my tummy when these two bitches were having sex...Who knew that when lesbians actually took their asses out of Home Depot that they could be mildly erotic?

- I find a silent joy in watching people cry, especially on TV. Case in point, The Maury Povitch Show. All these bitches are looking for their baby's daddies cause they slept with their cousin's friend's gang leader's physical therapist must be taking some make-believe pills. You know their asses wouldn't be invited on the show if their husbands were really their fathers. This all makes for one very joyous viewing experience.

- I have a fetish for men of the poor white trash persuasion, nothing like getting you and your car serviced at the same time. (addendum: This fetish has never been acted on because I am afraid of my watch, sheets, ramen noodles, ect. being stolen).

- I once shopped at Wal-Mart...no lie, I had an upper respitory infection the next day. Wal-Mart...slashing low prices and your body's immune system everyday!!!

- I want children one day. They are dick magnets...and life changing (blah blah whatever).

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Why I am a bingo playing, Chinese twin adopting, leather bar working, gay black man who wants to have sex with freshmen...

- I went to drag bingo on tuesday with crazy fisting girl (see previous post) and another cool chick from my class. Well stupid traffic cone sitter done forgot her ID...Sorry bitch, but your ass has to go home. I really liked how the tranny told everyone you were the ugliest dyke she had ever seen. I also was very inebriated and was wrangled into showing my cock and balls to a gaggle of cross-dresser and a room full of strangers, thank god the 1% of me that is black is my dong. The one fierce tranny did tell me I had to trim my bush, I told her to trim her wiskers, I don't think she was too amused.

- I went to my friend Brian's 21st b-day. SHIT WAS OUT OF CONTROL!!!! Not only was the loverly Mizz Kia in attendance (drunk off the Cornelius-tini's I made her and her own fabulousity) but there was a plethora of freshly glittered twinks in attendance. Now the theme of this party was "crazy dress" which means dress unlike yourself. So I ditched the polos, and lobster embroidered khakis for this sassy Vivienne Westwood mesh shirt I picked up in NYC. Needless to say that the other twinks interepreted the dresscode as shirtless, drunken slut. I seriously had to try very hard to keep my mandingo in my pants. Brian lives in New Carrolton, which is in the ghetto, and as we were smoking ciggs on the veranda, we were offered a myriad of drugs including, but not limited to weed and pills. Cause you know us crazy fags love us some pills sold to us by a man named Chardo-ney X-Treme. As the evening progressed, I managed to shout out some Corneliusisms at the lil faggolas like "I'll pee in your mouth" and "You gave me the 3rd best head I have ever had". Much to the chagrin of my friend Carter (who I am slowly corrupting) I offered his place up for a pot party and fourgie after the b-day was done. Needless to say, that would have been hot. We ended the night by going back to Carters, passing out and watching x-men for about 17 hours sans butt-sex. It was tres bon. I also realized I want to have sweet man love down low with one too many freshmen.

- I love my work, as you may know, I work in a leather bar, but for what it lacks in attractive bitches that I can spit my game at, it more than make up in money. Cornelius opens a beer, closeted married guy out for tail tips Cornelius 5 dollas. Well to my sweet suprise, I met a hot ass mutha that gave me his email. Well I have never gotten an email before, I have gotten #'s, screen names, but never an email. Dear readers, what does this mean? Hopefully it means, "I will be your lover, lets move to Logan Circle and adopt twin Chinese babies and name them Tron and Jaun".

- If you have never seen "Tongues Untied" a movie about the black-gay experience, you must rent it. Not only does it have catchy rhymes involving a plethora of racial slurs, but it also gives you a tutorial on how to SNAP!! You see there is a "Medusa Snap" to be used by people with long hair when trying to convey inportance and there is also the "Point Diva Snap", which draws attention to something you want someone to see. I totally feel like a gay black man now. Also reccomended..."Paris is Burning" all about the black gay experiance in the early 80's NYC with lots of voguing which we all realize is the gay national past-time.

- My best friend Aja just moved to NYC to be with her lover Brett, I wish them many chil'rens and good times.