Saturday, April 16, 2005

On employment...

- Yes I am cute...You trying to touch my jelly beans while I am making you a drink is not.

- In DC you can show softcore pornography in bars as long as there is not manual stimulation or sex between people...Why am I given the job to monitor the video screen for aforementioned stimulation? And if I see "Boys Gone Wild" one more time, I will cut myself. Nothing like "Straight Boys" being "Themselves" with their "Wild" and "Horny" frat brothers...VOMIT IN MY CORNEAS PLEASE. I am THE boy gone wild and yet I do not want to masturbate with any of my fraternity brothers...again.

- My work is in an area that turns shady after dark. So when I get off at 3ish and walk home I have to walk through a gaggle of hoes and their pimps. How fun was it last night to see two hoes beating their pimp, acrylic heels in hands and everything. It was definitely an homage to the "Love is a Battlefield" video by a one Miss Pat Benetar minus the awkward shimmying.

- I get hit on a lot at work, I usually just brush it off but sometimes when the patron is wasted you have to find creative ways to convey "FUCK OFF TRANNY McBACKHAIR" to them. My favorite ways are pretending I am French, Telling them I am a vampire or expressing concern that I am not going to be able to finance my sexual re-assignment surgery on a bartender's salary. If they don't get the hint, I usually just dip my finger into their drink.

- Also, as the newest bartending member, I get the esteemed privledge of checking the bathrooms for people fucking in the stalls...The other bartenders are like "Just knock on the doors and tell them to take it to the Crew Club", I on the other hand like to hurl buckets of ice over the stalls at Mr. And Mr. Herpes and pound on the door until they come out and they see my look of distainment. One time this fag had the audacity to ask me for a condom. I promptly kicked the queen's ass out.



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