Tuesday, April 26, 2005

I am still drunk

- So I got kicked out of a party last night. I have no idea but this girl said I hit her or something, methinks Cornelius was a rowdy guest. I think I might have been drunk...and cussed at her. No more drinking on school nights...I think I have alcohol poisoning. I was a little too much for m'lady. I got escorted out, I feel like a fucking winner.

- In unrelated news, I am one step closer to realizing my dream of becoming a sassy black lady...I bought a cocoa butter stick...and I love it.

- I am drunk from aforementioned party and I have to go to the bank, I think I want to drain all my accounts and take a bath in money, that would be hot.


Monday, April 25, 2005

The password is "Streetwalker Twat"

- Yes my readers...I saw me some pus-say. Not just any pussy but grade L more really grade V hooker pussy. I was walking home from work Sunday night (after a pity-filled evening of the Gay Mens Choir of DC bastardizing Dusty Springfield songs) I was turning onto 14th street, and what sterilization inducing sight greets me? A 400 pound prostitute lifting up her Lane Bryant pleather skirt. Well after I swallowed the lil bit of vomit that was in my mouth I did what most people would do, I started laughing uncontrollably at her. She started cussing at me and trying to waddle after me calling me a fag and a pussy. What I wanted to wittily retort back was that there was no way in hell I could be a pussy because she seemed to own all of them and kept them under her jazzy ensemble.
- On the upside, I get to walk home at 3am across the city from Thomas Circle to Foggy Bottom and besides the random cum-guzzler, I usually don't see a soul so you know what that means...I can sing my lil gay heart out. From Paris Hilton's Screwed to Ladytron's Playgirl, I just belt my shit. DC looks oddly like a movie set when there aren't any people around. It's my private backlot and I take full advantage of it.
- Last night at work, it was, no lie, Deaf Leather Night!!!! At first I thought I had heard wrong and thought it was a night dedicated to the Glam-tastic Hair band Def Leppard but not so much. It was a bunch of fat, old, hairy, leather harness-clad faggolas that kept slipping me notes saying, "You're pretty". What the fuck is that? Pretty? I am the fucking embodiment of Masculine beauty, not pretty. Ponies are pretty, sunsets on qualudes are pretty, I am hot damnit. The highlight of the evening was however when one of my hearing impaired buds slipped on some beer or something and crashed to the ground effectively pinching his tatersack in his metal and leather undies...his cries of agony sounded like a Orca giving birth.

Oh deaf people you are truly the deafest people ever!!!

Hearts and Down syndrome Kittens,

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Forgive me father for I have sinned...and looked great doing it.

Dear Readers,

Thank God I am not fucking catholic, bitches have to confess all their dirty deeds to their padre. I think I would be excommunicated umm lemme see about 3 minutes after walking into the booth. So since I don't have a padre to confess to, and Jesus has an away message up (I think he's avoiding me) I decided where better to unburdened myself than my very own, tragically fantastic blog.

Some of my more recent sins and other confessions..

- I fucked a deaf boy from Galludet, yeah I know everyone and their alky mother are cringing, but hey he was hot and was on the swim team, I was hard up and best of all I didn't have to search for music to "stick it to him" to. Plus he taught me how to put captioning on my TV, SCORE!!!!!!

- I masturbate way too much, I mean admittedly I didn't start tossing off until I was 17, I had had sex before masturbating, so I figured if I could get it from my slut cheerleader of a girlfriend whenever I wanted, what's the purpose of it. But in all seriousness, sometimes I am late to meet friends because I find a new website, I even got a fucking virus on my computer because I just had to see this one movie. I think I need a new hobby...any suggestions?

- I'm addicted to DC public access TV. It's really fucking shitty and the only shows they have involve big old black gurls "modeling", doing dance routines to edited rap songs, and all around tip-drillin. I look forward to skipping my French class so I can watch this trainwreck.

- As PC as I try to be, I suffer from mild internalized-homophobia. I just don't get some fags. I never was one for dancing to the latest Cher remix, or gossiping about how big so and so's dick is. I think that's why the majority of my friends are straight Indians or frat boys.

- I really want to take on a luvah. I look around at some of the people I am acquainted with and honestly they aren't anything special, but why do they have luvahs? I think I just need to open up and realize not all gay men are retarded, meth snorting sluts...It was just the men I used to date. Where are all my rich, funny, intelligent, homos? Oh that's right, they are already dating someone else...Fucking monogamy.

- I'm really scared about graduating. My entire life, if I fucked up, my parents were there for me, either financially or emotionally. They were there through my eating disorder, coming out, and deciding to move to DC. I am starting to realize that they aren't always going to be able to send me $100 whenever I ask them. Being an adult excites me but also terrifies me at the same time. Will I always be alone, putting my work before myself? I don't know but I think I'll be ok, always have been. I am looking forward to being an independent adult...Sometimes.

btw - I saw "The Interpreter" today...Save your $8 and sleep at home, instead of at the theatre like I did.


Friday, April 22, 2005

ANIMAL WATCH...The Country Edition

Sorry I missed posting yesterday my bitches, but I had to write a paper that basically if it was a man would be charged with rape the way it fucked me against my will, repeatedly....


Actual Animal Watch from the Washington Post, April 21st edition

Opossum Falls Into Kitchen ALLISON ST. NW, 500 block, April 6. An opossum fell into a kitchen through a hole in the ceiling and crawled under a stove. An animal control officer removed it and released it to the wild.

A Few Things...

- Apparently BoDean left the roadkill he's been fixin' to eat curing on the roof...let this be a lesson to you aspiring republicans, according to Soldier of Fortune magazine, "Meat is best cured in an cool, dry, airtight room so liberal environmentalists won't be able to pilfer your squirrel and feral cat sausage.

- Was Brandi-Ann mad at the animal control officers because they wouldn't let her keep the "Tasty Vittles"? The world may never know...

- Why was there a hole in the roof in the first place? I thought trailers were made of rust proof metal. They need to get their asses to Home Depot before someone gets lead poisoning and attempts to mate outside the family.

Seacrest Out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

A Few Things...

- My english teacher mentioned something about a person in class starting a blog...I think all my other classmates minus the Fagulous Miss Kia and Carter Glass (suck on my) cock are a lil too dim to figure out how to typey typey on the computer box thing. So to cover my SLICE/CUT tracks...MARILEE LINDEMANN IS THE COOLEST LESBIAN TEACHER EVER IN THE WORLD AND SHE MAKES ME WANT TO READ WALT WHITMAN'S HOMO-EROTIC POETRY ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

- Apparently my boss at work wants me to ride in the pride parade in our bar float. A few things about the float, it's made of leather, I would have to throw lube at people and I would have to wear a mask with a zipper opening for my mouth. Not so much, I'll stick to drunkenly flashing my juji fruits with my friend christie and spraying people with my penis squirt gun.

- I think I want to fuck that kid with the hole in his neck on American Idol. Something about him being all hairless and 14...DURRRTY.

- We got a new pope. I hope the Catholic church kept its receipt. Not only was the new spiritual leader of over 3 million people a nazi youth, he also thought that AIDS prevention is for the birds, and he wants to make all priest celibate (again)...Ummm, weren't they already supposed to be celibate, or do they make allowances for pedophelia? He's Pope-tastic!! SIKE

Sorry about the shitty post, but then again...I own your asses and my research papers own mine.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

On employment...

- Yes I am cute...You trying to touch my jelly beans while I am making you a drink is not.

- In DC you can show softcore pornography in bars as long as there is not manual stimulation or sex between people...Why am I given the job to monitor the video screen for aforementioned stimulation? And if I see "Boys Gone Wild" one more time, I will cut myself. Nothing like "Straight Boys" being "Themselves" with their "Wild" and "Horny" frat brothers...VOMIT IN MY CORNEAS PLEASE. I am THE boy gone wild and yet I do not want to masturbate with any of my fraternity brothers...again.

- My work is in an area that turns shady after dark. So when I get off at 3ish and walk home I have to walk through a gaggle of hoes and their pimps. How fun was it last night to see two hoes beating their pimp, acrylic heels in hands and everything. It was definitely an homage to the "Love is a Battlefield" video by a one Miss Pat Benetar minus the awkward shimmying.

- I get hit on a lot at work, I usually just brush it off but sometimes when the patron is wasted you have to find creative ways to convey "FUCK OFF TRANNY McBACKHAIR" to them. My favorite ways are pretending I am French, Telling them I am a vampire or expressing concern that I am not going to be able to finance my sexual re-assignment surgery on a bartender's salary. If they don't get the hint, I usually just dip my finger into their drink.

- Also, as the newest bartending member, I get the esteemed privledge of checking the bathrooms for people fucking in the stalls...The other bartenders are like "Just knock on the doors and tell them to take it to the Crew Club", I on the other hand like to hurl buckets of ice over the stalls at Mr. And Mr. Herpes and pound on the door until they come out and they see my look of distainment. One time this fag had the audacity to ask me for a condom. I promptly kicked the queen's ass out.


Thursday, April 14, 2005

Cockslapping a building????

It's Thursday...another college night at Apex another ANIMAL WATCH!!!!!! This one doesn't have to deal with a pet per say, but it does have to do with a drunken bird with the word COCK in it's name...JAM!!!!!

Actual Animal Watch from The Washington Post April 14th edition.

Woodcock Strikes Building PENNSYLVANIA AVE. NW, 1700 block, March 29. An animal control officer investigated a report about a woodcock that had struck a building and was lying on the sidewalk. When the officer tried to pick it up, the bird flew across the street, where it hit another building and fell. The officer caught it, and it was transferred to a wildlife rehabilitator.

A few things....

- What bonnet wearing, hand-jobs for Squanto settler gave this bird the name "Woodcock"? I would have preferred "Flying Jazz-ma-tazz", "TronBird"or something of the like.
- This bird was obviously so overwhelmed by Jamie Fox's portrayal of blues great Ray Charles that he was trying to pay homage by running into buildings, just like my father did after he saw the movie.
- I am pretty sure that "Wildlife Rehabilitator" is ANIMAL WATCH speak for either birdy Betty Ford clinic because this bitch was drunk, or for TRASH CAN, cause it prolly has West Nile virus and honestly who gives a flying fuck about something called a Woodcock outside of the Dupont neighborhood.

BTW - I have my call back interview with the lovely folks from Real World/Road Rules this weekend, wish me luck bitches. You know I would rule the school on this shit.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

(410) 610 - HORNAY

I had phone sex for the first time today. Well to be honest it was really one-sided phone sex, I was doing homework and he was (current event joke) pettin' his pope. This kid saw me on (surprise surprise) facebook and called me because I am a fucking retard and put my phone number under my profile. Well masturbation is like procrastination, it feels right until you realize you are only fucking yourself, and I thought "What an interesting sociological insight on the anonymity of sexual experiences" so I put him on speaker phone and continued my Lexus Nexus search of blue book laws. The convo went a lil bit like this...

Him: Oh man...What are you wearing?
Me: (In jeans and Oxford shirt) My boxer briefs and wifebeater.
Him: Oh yeah that's sooo hot, what color?
Me: Black.
Him: Black is sooo fuckin hot, can you see your cock through your underwear?
Me: (In the kitchen pouring some tea) yeah bitch, it's all in there.
Him: I want you (moan) to face fuck me.
Me: (stirring in Splenda) fuck yeah bitch can you take it all?
Him: yeah I want it all, hit me with it.
Me: (loading stapler) I'm gonna give your bitch ass a black eye with my dick.
Him: yeah beat me with it, hit my face.
Me: (contained shock/laughter) I'm pulling your hair, you like that boy?
Him: fuck yeah, I like it rough...Hard man.
Me: I'm gonna break you.
Him: break me (moan) break me.
Me: how does it feel to be my bitch, you like it don't you?
Him: I want it
Me: (printing Lexus-Nexus search results) What do you want say it, I want you to say it.
Him: I want you now
Me: Are you almost done? I want to hear it bitch
Him: Almost (ahhhhh) soon....(30 seconds later) AHHHHHH
Me: you done?
Him: God...Yeah, you?
Me: Almost finished...Printing out my bibliography for my paper.
Him: What?
Me: I said I am almost finished printing out my bibliography for my paper.
Him: you mean you weren't jerking off?
Me: Ummm no. I was doing research for a paper.
Him: You ruined my fantasy.
Me: Darn.

Now THAT'S multi-tasking bitches...

Monday, April 11, 2005

Phisting is Phun

So today in my lesbian gay tranny whatever class this crazy bitch (who I also have the joy of doing a group project with) told the class that she enjoys being fisted because to her "pain is pleasure"...I think it's time for me to bring sterilization pills to class. Lets just say she won't be getting an high fives from the Cor-meister anytime soon, unless it's a high five upside that batcave she calls a head. BITCHES ARE CRAZY!!!!!

Saturday, April 09, 2005

I am adopting this child.

(You can't read it but his shirt says "Popeye Glory")

And you thought Pride was gay...

I watched the Cherry Blossom parade today. It's weird that I have lived my whole live either in or right outside DC and have never played "Tourist" and gone and seen it. So I swallowed my pride and put some fresh batteries in my digi-cam. Well lets just say the parade cemented the idea of DC being NYC's brainy stepsister that doesn't get as many dates but is still respected because she can answer all the questions on Jeopardy... To start off, I had no idea that people from around the world vacation here, I ran into people from Canada, Kentucky, France and a whole shitload of people from China (Thanks for Ling Ling and Hsing Hsing!). The tidal basin is actually one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my whole life. It's like a gay dream, soft pink petals are strewn across footpaths and a gentle perfume, not the standard Tidal Basin stench, tempts your olfactory system until you orgasm with botanical delights...oopsie I just jizzed on Constitution Ave. The parade is like the bastard child of the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade and The Pride Festival.
One thing I did not find kick-ass was the parade commentator, some guy from News Channel 8, which no one watches, kept making sake jokes whenever an Asian group performing in the parade "went into ethnic displays". He also decided to take it upon himself to ask every Asian person if they felt proud to be Chinese!!!! What the fuck Chip McStone or whatever your name is? I doubt you would go to the Howard University Homecoming parade and make malt liquor jokes...But then again it is News Channel 8. Also the other thing I found a little weird was the little habit the dancing performers had of counting out their dance steps under their breath. I literally watched a spandex clad bitch with a blossom hat on her noggin mouth "ONE, TWO, KICK BALL-CHANGE, STEP, STEP, PAUSE, JAZZ HANDS! You are ruining my illusion of spontaneous dancing you fucks.
Also I have decided that all youth Choirs are extremely gay, gayer than they were when I was in middle school. I guess there was a Supreme Court ruling that allows choir directors to be as sassy as de wanna be. Perhaps there is a monetary incentive program in place. $10 for sashaying, $25 for calling a little girl fat. It's a long way from my teacher Mr. Hudson who had to keep his Liza-bility in the closet, ironically that's the same place he used to make the boys in choir change into our performance tuxes while he watched...tangent, my bad.

Also there was a Chipolte burrito float...DC CHERRY BLOSSOM PARADE RULES.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Animal Watch...da remixxx

It's Thursday, and you know what that means...ANIMAL WATCH!!!!

It amazes me the multitude of fucking retards that live in this lovely city. I'm surprised this bitch even knew how to use a phone...

Actual ANIMAL WATCH on April 7, in The Washington Post...

U STREET NW, 1-100 block, March 26. A very upset caller told animal control that she could see a baby bear sitting on a nearby roof. Responding officers determined that she was actually looking at an oddly shaped satellite dish, which they agreed was mistaken for the baby bear.

Ummm bitches??? Satellite dishes are hard, plastic and hence their name, LOOK LIKE A MUTHA FUCKING DISH. Baby bears look like momma bears but only smaller (fur, teeth, porridge). And what the fuck did she think a baby bear was doing on a fucking roof, tanning or some shit? Unless this lady grew up in a magic country where every tied baby bears to their roofs for good luck or better TV reception, she will be CUT SLICED!!!

P.S. I start my first day of work tonight...wish me luck.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005


- I saw a little girl licking a window on the metro today. Her father just looked at her and then looked away. It took a random lady to pry her kisser away from the oh so tasty glass. The sad thing is that ten years from now Lil' Miss Herpes Mouth aint gonna be able to get any dates because of her trip to our Nation's Capital.

- To the stupid girl in my class: How dare you contradict me, and in front of my peers... I am always right, what comes out of my mouth is regarded as scripture in certain South Pacific Islands. Do you not realize when the teacher always asks my opinion she is trying to have me stimulate your fucking mind? In the future please stab yourself in the face everytime you feel the urge to speak up in class.

P.S. I will not be returning the highlighter I borrowed from you today...SLICE!!!!!

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

For the lesbian in your life that has everything...

This is real.

It makes me kind of scuurrrred.



Monday, April 04, 2005

Qual es la fetcha de tu cupleanos?

(L to R, Tiffany, Mike, Carter, Nat, Booze)

I am officially 23, NIIICE. Well my burfday was on Saturday night and it was definately one of my top 3. I wish I had taken more than 2 pictures, but hey you can't expect much out of a kid that was tossing back shots (Thanks Nat) starting at 3 in the afternoon. People were all asking me if it feels wierd to be almost 25 hence almost 30...I told them that I can't wait until my ass is 30. My whole theory behind it is that your 20's are like your teens but with more freedom and liquor and your 30's are like your 20's but with more money and furniture that's not from Ikea.

All my friends from UMD, GW and home came to celebrate in grand style with me and I couldn't have been happier if they had brought a drugged up half naked Jonathan Taylor Thomas with them. We drank here for a while and opened presents, lots of Kiehl's and booze, before heading to Nations. I hadn't been there in over a year and now I remember why...my friends found the most cracked out glitter farting guy to come up to me to wish me Happy Birthday (Thanks Guys). Nothing too lascivious happened there since I don't hook up with people outside of the boundary of NW DC, I don't want my shit stolen.

After I had slept off my hangover, my friend Nat from home (she drove 4 hours to come to my party) took me out to Johnny Rockets on M street for a Birthday breakfast at 2 in the afternoon. They sang happy birthday to me while I did my drunken interpretation of the cabbage patch for a tourist family. We ended up stealing all the balloons there and walked home daring kids to take them from us. Here's to another great year filled with academic, personal, emotional and genital related success...

Saturday, April 02, 2005

I'm Hired (job) and Fired (love life)...

I just got a J O B. It's gonna rawk hopefully. I am barbacking and fill in bartender at a gay bar. Alcohol + Gay men + Money = Happy Cornelius.

I went on a date last night. First one since my becoming single a lil over 3 months ago. Well I had seen this guy around the way for a while and he was just my type. He came over for a few drinks before we headed to JR's and come to find out he knew my ex and had gone on 5 dates with him at the same time my ex and I were calling it quits. God bless the incestuous gay community in our nation's capitol.

Anyway we went to Jr's and who does he run into, his ex's best friend. Well I was immediately on my own, so I met this great guy named Raul, he was also my type ( I am starting to think that my type is gay male). Well we conversed, laughed, found out he was in a fucking relationship. Um...Ba'scuse me? Why the fuck did you talk to me if you were in a relationship? I told him that his boyfriend was very lucky to have someone like him. He then went on to explain that he and his boyfriend are on the outs. Ummm Mixed signals, your table is ready.

So we continue having amazing chemistry the whole night and I decide to pay my tab and head out. I tell him bye and he asks if he could come back to my place. Me being the nice (horny) person I am, totally oblige. I mean it's been a while since I "Dropped down and got my eagle on", but hey I am always up for a tip drill. So the entire cab ride he was telling my all about his boyfriend because you know that is such a turn-on. We get to my place, my doorman shoots me a look that says, "Peek-a-boo Hoebag, I see you's be tricking again". I mouth "EAT ME" to him.

We get to my door and I go to open it but something is blocking it...My passed out roommate. Nothing says make sweet man love to me like an Indian girl, skirt hiked up to her back, lying in vomit on the floor to set the mood. Well this is nothing new to me, Nish and I always pass out in front of our door, we pretend we're watchdogs, drunken watchdogs...but that's another posting. So he sees me kicking and literally dragging my roommate out of the foyer by her arm and bounces.

Strike one for Cornelius and his experiment in dating. If it wasn't for my roomie with a B.A.C of 500, him having a boyfriend, or me being on a date with someone else, I think I could have tapped some mighty fine ass last night.

Oh well lets hope tonight at my SUPER SWEET 23RD-TEEN PARTY I'll be luckier...and nakeder.

Friday, April 01, 2005

A few Things

- Well tomarrow is the big day, my fucking 23rd b-day party. Bitches and Hoes from around the globe are coming in to watch me get into a hot mess with myself.

1. Make sangria
2. Get balloons.
3. Condoms, Condoms, Condoms.
4. Go into Stepford Wife mode.
5. Practice suprise face in mirror.

- Apparently some people thought my Pope post was a lil harsh. I apologize, it wasn't him who hated jewish people, my bad. But he still hates fags so he can suck it clean. Anyone who is exaulted as an icon of peace and tolerance should not label certain minority groups "Evil".


p.s. I am gonna have to ride on the steel transportation penis (metro) from the fucking Hallmark near L'Enfant Plaza to my place with a gay ass bunch of balloons, I will not get jumped, I will not get jumped, I will not get jumped...