Sunday, March 27, 2005

Start spreading the news (and your ass cheeks)

So Bitches....

The jury is in, I am ditching London in favor of the Sassiest of Cities...NYC. Once I get there they will have to change the name to New York Pretty.

So for part of my spring break, I went to NYC for some law school interviews. Not only did I fall in love with the city, but the city fell in love with me. The homeless man screaming bible passages on the subway...They were passages about love. The cabbie who farted 40 times during my ride...Those falafel scented farts were love pheramones, all enticing my sweet ass to move to the big apple.

So here's the play by play, got into the city with my friend Ajra Kunztle and went to her boyfriend's apartment. Not only did her boyfriend have a highball glass of Hennessey waiting for me, but he showed me around the 1.8 MILLION DOLLA APARTMENT I WAS TO BE CRASHING IN. Well take the feeding tube out of my neck and call me Terri Chiavo, this place was fucking unbelievable. Not only was it right above NOBU, but it was populated with hot gay professional menz. Lets just say that the elevator wasn't the only thing going down in that building...SASS!!!

So, after OD'ing on GLAMOUROSITY, I hopped in a fart filled cab and headed over to my friend Ally's place on the upper east side. She is one of my old bitches from the Greek system at UMD. We got krunked and headed downtown to a gay bar. We settled on The Starlight Bar (highly recommended) and continued to get krunkalated in that danceria. Well with the guys hanging off of me and attempting to rub their manliness all up on my Diesels you would think that I was make of gold, diamonds and Cher CD's, but I am not (a bitch can dream can't he).

New York guys are of a different caliber than DC guys. It was refreshing not to have everyone ask me who I worked for and putting up with closet cases for once. Ally and I held court bitches. I got hit on by the guy that played the Olsen twins dad on some show called "Twin-Time" or "Two-Timed" or something like that. We made soooo many friends. Everyone warned me that NY guys were assholes but I met amazing guys that I would not only make sweet brown love to, but I would also adopt some Chinese bitches with them too. I mean not only were they hot but oh my god they were the type that I would take home to my parents and then force them to watch us open mouth kiss. I think I ended up telling them that I was a flight attendant or something, it got me a lot of free booze. The night was absolutely amazing. While we were leaving I got in a Sass-Off with the fucking coat check boy (but you really can't call him boy because he was pushing 50). That was the gay cherry on my glitter sundae. Not only can you get fellaciated in an elevator, meet potential life partners at bars, but when you can call a guy who hangs up your coats a "cock sucking herpes experiment" that's when you know you have truly fallen in love.

This isn't the end bitches, I have more to tell, but my ass needs some sleep, so I'll post the rest tomorrow, cause I know y'all need something to whack off to.

Kisses,
Cornelius

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