Thursday, March 31, 2005

Ding Dong the Pope is (quazi) dead.

What famous pontiff is next to die...HMMMMM lemme think, POPE JOHN PAUL?????

I have no pity for the bitch, yes I said bitch, he is a homophobe and anti-semetic. What a great representation of peace. Ironically he stated that "Any transgression against a person is a transgression against god, for god is the ultimate author of all people". Does that cover the queer community, hate crimes and gender descrimination JP?

I hope the that that italian fags ransack your palace and steal all your fierce hats (Marcello, I want one to match my sky blue eyes, thnx).

The only John Paul that I trust is John Paul Gautier.


p.s. whoever is posting anonymous...I want to hump you and your father.

Strangers are just friends you haven't got drunk and peed on a jag with...


This is a pic of one of my best friends Emily Dale that I made for her birthday last year. Sadly she moved back home to Minnesota (BOO WHORE). She liked to cut slice people with me and had a strange habit of popping her Tit-Tays out at a bar for free drinks. Anyway she sent me a mix cd of crazy russian music for my b-day. I am currently grinding my baby making junk against my window facing K Street to a song called "Mir, O Kotorom Ya". I miss her, her crippling alcoholism and thrifty practice of making out with bouncers to get my gay ass into clubs. Claridge House Hoes 4-evah.

Where's you taking my long eared kitty cat??

Every Thursday the first thing I do in the morning after kicking my trick out and applying an expensive moisturizer to my ENTIRE boy, I read ANIMAL WATCH in the Washington Post. It's basically like COPS but with coo inducing fluffy animals instead of toothless redneck and exploding meth labs. Usually the stories are about old people found dead in their apartments half eaten by their cats or dogs. Ironically these pets are not destroyed, they are taken to the nearest shelter where they are adopted by unsuspecting familes. Well this story takes the stupid cake...

Actual story from ANIMAL WATCH printed March 28.

Rabbit: Inferior Mice Catcher SARATOGA AVE. NE, 1400 block, March 21. A woman asked animal control to remove her pet rabbit from her apartment. She said she had obtained the rabbit to chase mice away but was disappointed that it appeared to just play with them. She said there seemed to be more mice since the rabbit arrived. The rabbit was taken to the D.C. shelter and was expected to be transferred to an animal rescue group.

I bet this crazy slice worthy bitch thinks her mousing rabbit lays Cadbury eggs too...BAWK! BAWK!

One last thing

I almost forgot, while on the metro today there was this sweet tourist family that I gave up my seat for. It was a mother, father and three sons, kinda reminded me of my family but without knife fights and plump black nanny in tow. So I had my earbuds in but music off as I usually do so I can listen to people's crazy talk. The youngest boy started pole dancing a la Showgirls while singing what I could discern was a christian rock song. He just kept spinning round and round (oddly enough to the cheers of his FBI fannypack wearing parents) while repeating "God is watching me 'cause I look to him". I couldn't help but laugh at the lil Liz Berkley in training. I choo choo choose public transportation. His performance was abrubtly ended when his brother punched him in his stomach... Sigh, I miss my family.

Speaking of family, while perusing craigslist I came across this...My mother would CUT SLICE me if I made her do this...

http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/tfr/66037650.html

Cheers bitches

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

An open letter to the UMD swim team

Dear Terp Swimmers,
My speedo-clad, Nair-worshipping wonders...I think what you do is amazing, I wish I could major in swimology while minoring in sausage smuggling. Anyway one of your members (name rhymes with Seven) found me on Facebook.com and contacted me last night looking for some good old fashioned brown love. Not only was he overtly aggressive in his persuit of wang happiness but he even went as far as to send me a picture of him naked, which I immediately sent to my friend Kia. Not don't get me wrong he had alot to offer, even though his offer had a slight right curve to it.
I digress, apparently he has seen AKA stalked me outside of one of my classes. Like so many others before him, he wanted a slice of man pie a la Cornelius. Well Homie don't play dat. I admit I have had my hoeing days, days where I would not think twice about recieving a hummer in the microfiche room in McKeldin Library, but I have had my fun, time to settle down, hence the "Reason to Date Cornelius" postings.
Well Rhymes With "Seven" caught me at a weak moment. I was still drunk on power afforded to me from the highest grade out of my sociology class on my midterm. I arranged a little get together this morning in Tydings Hall which I did not plan on showing up to. Sticking to my plan I totally didn't even go near to Tydings and instead headed to french class. Well after class i check my voicemail, lemme just say, your man was sweating my sack hardcore. I contacted him later tonight via IM and told him the danger in his ways, he could get jumped, STD's or even worse, end up hooking up with a nasty janitor. He immediately blocked me, I think he was crushed. It's understandable, I mean he did think he was going to see me naked. I am such a bitch. Well if you see Rhymes with "Seven", tell him that I still think he is sad, he should tell his girlfriend (which he also sent me naked pics of) that he likes getting fucked in bathrooms and that I don't need anonymous sex as long as I have my hand.

Love,
Cornelius

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Reason to date Cornelius # 4


I am well versed in cell-phone usage.


The heart over the "i" is because I heart Jesus...and wieners...and black girls.

Dear Cornelius, Will you be my Friendster Friend? Signed Loser from NOVA

Hookers,

What is up with these bitches that contact me through friendster? Apparently my blog has reached more than the people I thought it had (Readership is at an all time high of 12 people, GOLD STAR FOR CORNELIUS). Anyway, so I am avoiding writing another paper on black mandingo wieners and decide to check my email. Oh looky looky someone wants to be my friendster friend, and he done sent me a message. So I open it and it's all "you are funny, I sweat your ball sack, you are the coolest person ever ect". The gist of this message from this potential friendster friend is that he wants a piece and wanted to ask for my hand in friendstership before getting on the wiener train at the Dry-Humperville station and getting off at Trick-ass-bitch-land. So hey, I am single, his pic looked hot so I check out his profile.

Here are the reasons why I will never open any messages from him again, lets begin...

1. He has an interest in "musical theatre" aka wets his panties when someone mentions Julie Andrews or CATS.

2. All his pictures have 3 things in common, lots of hair gel, Abercrombie shirts and some really drunk looking fat girl hanging on him in them. All three are things that make me want to have aforementioned fatty smash in my testes with her fake ass Ugg boots from Old Navy.

3. His music choices are gayer than a black boy named LeDuane jumping double dutch while singing The Greatest Love by one Miss Whitney Houston while his friend holds his bonnie bell lip gloss. CUT! SLICE!

4. He makes it a point to say in his profile that he is "ahem" straight...Bitch must have sucked a dick laced with crack...fag hags in your profile pics, abercrombie, and contacting Cornelius over friendster does not constitute straight, unless it's opposite day fruitcake.

5. He uses Gaybonics which is a jargon that can be found in communities where there is a high level of glitter lotion application. He was all "Boi" this and winking in his profile with emoticon shit. Your emoticons make me want to hurt children that look like you.

Dear God please make me a bird so I can fly far far away from this retard's internet advances.

Also on a sad note, my parents (Mr. and Mrs. ATM) are slowly cutting off my financial support, they mentioned something about a budget...I cried like a bitch. Oh Yeah Miss Kia (www.exceptionalkia.com) sliced her finger off by fingering a chocolate robot, lets all pray she doesn't get tetanus and the chocolate was worth it. AMEN!!

Cheers Bitches.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Start spreading the news (and your ass cheeks)

So Bitches....

The jury is in, I am ditching London in favor of the Sassiest of Cities...NYC. Once I get there they will have to change the name to New York Pretty.

So for part of my spring break, I went to NYC for some law school interviews. Not only did I fall in love with the city, but the city fell in love with me. The homeless man screaming bible passages on the subway...They were passages about love. The cabbie who farted 40 times during my ride...Those falafel scented farts were love pheramones, all enticing my sweet ass to move to the big apple.

So here's the play by play, got into the city with my friend Ajra Kunztle and went to her boyfriend's apartment. Not only did her boyfriend have a highball glass of Hennessey waiting for me, but he showed me around the 1.8 MILLION DOLLA APARTMENT I WAS TO BE CRASHING IN. Well take the feeding tube out of my neck and call me Terri Chiavo, this place was fucking unbelievable. Not only was it right above NOBU, but it was populated with hot gay professional menz. Lets just say that the elevator wasn't the only thing going down in that building...SASS!!!

So, after OD'ing on GLAMOUROSITY, I hopped in a fart filled cab and headed over to my friend Ally's place on the upper east side. She is one of my old bitches from the Greek system at UMD. We got krunked and headed downtown to a gay bar. We settled on The Starlight Bar (highly recommended) and continued to get krunkalated in that danceria. Well with the guys hanging off of me and attempting to rub their manliness all up on my Diesels you would think that I was make of gold, diamonds and Cher CD's, but I am not (a bitch can dream can't he).

New York guys are of a different caliber than DC guys. It was refreshing not to have everyone ask me who I worked for and putting up with closet cases for once. Ally and I held court bitches. I got hit on by the guy that played the Olsen twins dad on some show called "Twin-Time" or "Two-Timed" or something like that. We made soooo many friends. Everyone warned me that NY guys were assholes but I met amazing guys that I would not only make sweet brown love to, but I would also adopt some Chinese bitches with them too. I mean not only were they hot but oh my god they were the type that I would take home to my parents and then force them to watch us open mouth kiss. I think I ended up telling them that I was a flight attendant or something, it got me a lot of free booze. The night was absolutely amazing. While we were leaving I got in a Sass-Off with the fucking coat check boy (but you really can't call him boy because he was pushing 50). That was the gay cherry on my glitter sundae. Not only can you get fellaciated in an elevator, meet potential life partners at bars, but when you can call a guy who hangs up your coats a "cock sucking herpes experiment" that's when you know you have truly fallen in love.

This isn't the end bitches, I have more to tell, but my ass needs some sleep, so I'll post the rest tomorrow, cause I know y'all need something to whack off to.

Kisses,
Cornelius

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Tree-Top Tranny Love

Ok while I am away making the most of my spring break (I have loads of Cornelius related hot messes to tell y'all), I have found this interesting story for ya bitches to read. Apparently Tranny DeLuxx and his/her gender appropriate lover are so horny for aboral (tree-related) love...

http://www.nypost.com/news/regionalnews/43090.htm

Cheers bitches

Monday, March 21, 2005

Jealous Much Hoebags???

Spring break rules, I want to be a professional springbreaker 4-evah. I am so great that already 4 days into my lil jetset vacay, I have hung with Sean Lennon (cool as fuck) and Christie Turlington (fake ass lips). Suck on that ding dong bitches...

Gotta Bounce, must go get drunk and get mistaken for someone famous...

Cheers bitches

Friday, March 18, 2005

Cutting a rug, not bitches.


My red eyes convey a sort of satanic superiority don't cha think?

Yo, your face tattoo is making me whorny...


I think I am gonna get another tattoo over break, maybe a sweet skull or confederate flag perchance??? Bonus points if anyone knows where and what my tattoo is...

Can we go to the meat-packing district??

As I get ready to shove off for a well deserved spring break, I thought I would leave a post for all ya bitches to suck on while I am away. I'll try to post while on vacay but in all honesty, I will prolly be having group and/or public sex, and I don't wanna break the laptop.

I am a loser, you wanna know how big of a loser I am???? I write down what I am gonna blog about as it happens. I know, very Lois Lane of me. I am that loser who carries little yellow post-it notes all over the place looking for some social commentary.

I finally got my readership up to THREE PEOPLE!!!!! Kisses to Ajra Kuntzel, Kia Chillin-hall, and Sarah from Loehmans...SLICES TO ALL OTHERS!!!

The majority of the time that I am in public, I am in my own little dreamworld. Sometimes this manifests itself in my little quasi-A.D.D. fueled runway shows on 25th street NW or in the ally between 25th and I street NW. I always have my mp3 player on and bitches it's full of sashaying music. Rupaul, Scissor Sister, David Bowie, The theme from Sex and the City, and many others that get me all hot and bothered. I can put Mizz Tyra "Big ass Forehead" Banks to shame. Sometimes it's to the grocery store, where I pretend I am in an episode of Sex and the City, or on the metro where I listen to the same Joss Stone song (super duper love) over and over again pretending I am in some zany romantic comedy...but with fags. Welcome to my world, you weren't invited but, you bitches can't leave.

So I live in a nice area of our nation's capital. I like all the amenities it affords like centrality to all attractions, such as Ralph Lauren, and Starbucks. One thing however I do not like is the lack of 40 ounce bottles of beer (or 40's as they are known) in my neighborhood liquor store. Did I mention that my Liquor store is in the Watergate Building? I have seen Libby Dole perusing the Pinot Grigios and Ben Stein (Buehler? Buehler?) buy some red stripe beer. But this liquor store has no 40's, I have to schlep to Dupont to buy my Schlitz Malt Liquor. I digress, the point of this story is that the sommelier (wine expert to you PWT's out there) is GORGEOUS. He's a sassy eastern European mix, tall, dark, handsome and oh by the way...HE WANTS ME. Yesterday I was perusing the bottles looking for some vermouth, and he walks up to me and starts talking. Well finally the convo turned from martinis to my-wienies. Well not really but he gave me his number and wanted to take me to a wine bar in capital hill. SCORE!!! He also gave me two really nice martini glasses gratis!!!! A hottie that works in a liquor store...Perfection.

I have a question. What is up with some bitches email addresses? Ok so I have to do a group project with these 3 hoes in my French class. We exchanged emails before break so we could get in touch and discuss what we are doing. Well this one bitch's email address was something along the line of GlitterRainbowKittenHugs@yahoo.com. GLITTER RAINBOW KITTEN HUGS!?!? What the fuck bitch? What ever happened to using last names or first names for your email? This bitch rubbed me the wrong way and all she did was give me her email addy...I am going to CUT her.

Ok I am off for a luxurious spring break, see you bitches on the flip side...

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Mandingo-a-go-go

It's refreshing that instead of reading econ or politcal theory books this semester I get to (anal)ize porn and discuss the differences between dongs and dildos. For my Capstone senior thesis (15-20 pages) I am going to illuminate "The fetishization of the black male body and how it relates to power, fear and shame." Basically how us cracker fags get all scurred when we see a giant wiener...I wonder what type of research this is gonna entail?

I'm gonna get an A+++++

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Stacie's mom has got it goin on

I think this guy meant to say vulva...

http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/mis/63980940.html

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Because I Believe I am a 16 Year Old Girl...

To you not blessed enough to know me or have a class with me, I am truly fucked in the head. My mom swears she done smoked no crack, but sometimes I honestly believe I live in a magic world inhabited by SeanCody.com models and kittens that sing Garbage tunes. Case in point, My Evite for my 23rd b-day party. Most people go classy with a nice dinner, some drinks and dancing. Me on the other hand...

ACTUAL EVITE SENT TO FRIENDS, COWORKERS, AND SOME FAMILY FRIENDS -

You've all seen those hoes on MTV try to throw a party. Now come join Cory in his very own...SUPERSWEET 23RD-TEEN PARTY!

My wealthy and emotionally detatched Iranian parents will be attending. We have a totally sweet oxygen bar, pony rides, Pauly Shore and shirtless waterpolo players. I will be flown in by helicopter with Cee-lo and his daughter and will be leaving in my brand new Range Rover, because daddy doean't know the word "no". Rumor has it that Lil Bow Wow might be making an appearance because he wants me in a video or something. SWEET!!!!

In leui of presents just bring a bottle of wine or whatever and some Cosmo Girls!!! YM SUCKS!!!!

For those without their driver's liscences (LOSERS!) the party is like a 3 minute walk from the Foggy Bottom metro station. GLAMOROUS!!!!

We will be partying here until my alcoholic mom throws up on a Saudi Prince and accuses my dad of trying to buy my love. Then we will head out to Adams Morgan or Dupont, so bring your fake I.D.'s TRES JET-SET!!!!!

Bring whomever you want, as long as they don't go to that public school in the next town over where that girl got pregnant by the teacher. GRODY!!!!!

This is definately the party everyone, including the seniors will be talking about in homeroom on Monday!! LINDSAY LOHAN RULES!!!!


- Some of the elder folk think that I am touched in the head, but hopefully I will be touched in the pants on April 2nd.

SHAZAAM!!!

Six degrees of Wondermentalitations

One- Hey listen up white boys..I have a lil secret for ya, IT'S 30 DEGREES OUTSIDE!! You dumb bitches that walk to class with your shorts and flip flops are a disgrace to WASP's everywhere. This is not Fucking Boca bitches. My friend Kia thinks we're all crazy and you are just supporting her argument. Please cover up your chicken legs, and not with leg warmers, for thou shall recieveth a Slice and Cut twice over.

Two- To the hot ass boy in my class that I caught staring at me today. I love it when you laugh at my Out Of Control social commentary. I am currently single, smart, hot and have a nice sized wiener...just thought i'd let you know.

Three- Last semester as one of my classes me and a gaggle of assorted fags, lezzies and Queen Bee Fag Hag Kia went around to fraternities, frshmen orientation classes and sport teams on campus to talk about diversity. It usually digressed into me saying something about brown love or extolling the virtues of having your prostate milked. Anyway, I missed one of these speaker panels yesterday and Kia was there and she ended up giving a jock a Slice to the 10th degree because he said that his friend gets wood in the group showers after football games. Well Duh future high school gym teacher. I just wish I was there to tell him all about my experiences in various locker rooms, that would have shut his mongoloid mouth up.

Four- I am going on spring break in 3 days, I just found out I landed a well paid internship with The Human Rights Campaign for the summer. That means I get paid for working with hot and smart fags that throw great parties. Things are great except for my lack of dick-ercize. Would the boy I mentioned in Point Two please come over and watch "Living It Up With Patti LaBelle" (actual show) with me.

Five- I finally sent out the Evites for my 23rd Birthday, so far I have 3 friends bringing guys that want to blow out my birthday candle(wiener)...must start doing lunges ASAP.

Six- I got cruised again tonight at the Safeway in the Watergate. He tried to talk to me but I was caught off guard and had my headphones on so I looked at him like he was crazy...GOOOOOO CELIBACY!!!!!

PS - To the man I met in the "Ethnic Foods" isle, I expect a missed connection to be posted on craigslist within 24 hours.

Cheers Bitches

I want a famous face: The Remix

I just found out that this girl from my high school is gonna be on MTV's I Want A Famous Face. This bitch was really cute when I knew her...goes to show that even us pretty people want to be even more prettier. Oh the burden of being hot.

SNAPS to Crystal!

http://www.mtv.com/onair/dyn/i_want_a_famous_face-2/personality.jhtml?personalityId=4046

Open Letter to some people in my classes

Stupid Gay Boy: Please stop fucking me with your eyes, everyone, including the teacher knows that you are a glitter farting bottom. When you smile at me in class, my cock retreats into my lower abdomen.

Crazy Girl Who's Parents Obviously Smoke Crack: It's bad enough I have to look at you but when you open your mouth you make me want to fall onto a sword. Just because you are a stagehand for Taming of the Shrew doesn't make you cool. I think the saddest part is that the theatre dorks refuse to talk to you. You really need to loosen that fucking kerchif you tie around your nasty ass hair. Kisses!!

Sullen Korean Girl: What the fuck is your deal. Did your hipster-poseur card get revoked? You look like a man, and smell (not to stereotype) like Kim-Chee, and bitch, I love kim-chee, you ruined it for me and i'll hate you forever. SLICES FOR YOU!!

Fatalie, the girl who masturbates with Walt Whitman poetry: You sit on the loser side of class, and yes whenever you hear me and my hot friends laugh, WE ARE LAUGHING AT YOU. You can't fit into the desk and your fifteen dollar words impress no one except for...

Crazy Adult Education Student Guy: You sir are my favorite. I think it's honorable that you are taking a junior level class when you are what...46? Your cruising has not gone unnoticed Chester the Mollester. Your little quirks like raising your hand so that your palm is facing you is, how do you say...the bee's knees. Yes it's not just you that thinks it, but everyone knows that whenever you say something, I will raise my hand and contradict you. All my friends hate you and Fatilie wants to have your babies and name then Emily Dickinson and Walt Whitman. Shave your Goat-tee, you are middle aged for fucks sake.

Stupid German Girl: You are in my burn book, not only because you still think it's acceptable to use the word "Negro" in class but also because you have really shitty skin. You pronounce you name differently every fucking class, I am just gonna call you Von Douchenbag. Your shitty vocabulary is not protected by diplomatic immunity. Please shut your mouth before I convince the really Jappy girl that sits next to me to cut you.

Ok well enough hateration in this danceria. I am off to study for my midterms...

Monday, March 14, 2005

Well at least he paid for my dinner

I swear this is the last post of the day...

I just found out that this guy that i went on a few dates with now makes a living by kissing old men on a website. HUZZAH!!!

http://www.badapple.tv/fratboymike.asp

Well at least he paid for the dinners.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Reason to Date Cornelius # 3


I learned how to make Indian food...FROM A REAL LIVE INDIAN!!!! (my roomie)


All the cool kids in school smoke, that's why we're cool. (or maybe it's because we are box cutter carrying sluts). My parents are making my sweet ass quit by graduation or they won't pay for any of my law schoolin'. So if you see me with a cigg up each nostril and 5 in my mouth, silently applaud.

Lezzie Croft:Vagina Raider

Biz Markie once famously sluured/tried to sing, "You say she's just a friend, and you say she's just a friend". Well, Mizz Jolie has a whole new take on that ever so eloquent stanza...

http://www.nypost.com/gossip/40992.htm


Where did the weekend (and my underwear) go?

Current TV Choice reflects life

Well bitches, my weekends over, and boy did I exhaust those 48 hours. I am currently watching a "Documentary" about hookers in Atlantic City. I have heard the phrase, "Trick done turned out bitches everyday" about 20 times to many. I don't know about you but this one phrase definitely sums up my weekend AND HOW!! To recap, Thursday night I was the trick I guess, I was butt ass naked in the lobby of a 5 star hotel, and last night I was the bitch. I say this because I hung out with my best friend Aja. We've known each other FOREVER. Her family is my family and vice versa. She brought her new man, who is successful, cute, well connected, funny, perfect for her ect out to Adams Morgan for some boozing and bruising. I tried to be a bitch, I mean I really did.

I was out of control, making inappropriate comments, gesturing with my wiener schnitzle and running my mouth to try to break this kid. I am protective of my girl and tried to scare him off. He wouldn't budge, bitch ate my shit up. He was sooo nice I had no choice but to fuck him while Aja went to the bathroom J/K I don't fuck breeders. After my Stoli fueled game of 20 questions, we ended the night at this place called Dan's Cafe (my new favorite bar).

They serve drinks by giving you a fifth of whatever liquor you want and a can of soda to mix it with. My bottle of tonic was never opened. This bar smelled like a fairground and it looked like the shortbus from Rockville, Gaithersburg, other crappy suburb dumped it's riders inside. We watched in awe (shock really) as an Eddie Bauer clad fratboy headbanged to Fiona Apple's "The First Taste". I mean come on, I lost my virginity to that song and now this tool was attempting to dislocate his grey matter to my swerve music. NOT COOL BILLY JO. A gallon of vodka later I forgot all that shit. I ended this lovely weekend by bowing out to the spins and passed out on Aja's couch and ended up getting to second base with her dog Cletus.

On a not-whatsoever-related-note, my doorman thinks I am a male escort. Apparently all of my nights of stumbling in half dressed and wholly drunk with money clutched in hand (really change from cab fare I haven't put back in my wallet) has given him some ideas. How much would you bitches pay for a slice of Cornelius Pie? I will be accepting PayPal.

Night bitches

Friday, March 11, 2005

Reason # 2 to date Cornelius


I sometimes pretend I am Erika Badu


Sing along wit me bitches...

These songs kick ass and take names

No one can take your freedom - DJ Earworm
Operate - Peaches (good song to robot to)
Ordinary people - John Legend

Three Sheets to the wind and draped in a fourth.

Cornelius was in a fun mood. Maybe it was the 14 degree weather, my impending date with a a new guy or the two 40 dolla bottles of wine I sucked on like a teat. So I decided to meet "P" at 1223, in the VIP lounge (of course) for our first "date".

I walked in, put my coat down and MADE JESUS CRY.

Shots of jaegermiester, greygoose tonics, some weird thing I injected into my ass cheek (j/k). I was ooops upside everyone's head. I think I was projecting my insecurities stemming from not knowing anyone besides "P" and channeling them into hardcore libation liberation. So an hour passes, I am officially trashed hence my SASS model look (eyes glazed over and lips pouted expertly). "P" suggest we head over to (G)A(Y)pex for la noche de collegio or college night. Keep in mind this is my first time meeting "P", we walked along the streets looking like something HRC would put on flyers. We got to Apex I am mentally handicap at this time, and go in.

I walked in, put my coat down and MADE JESUS CRY (again).

Now "P" is what one would call "A catch", smart, really hot, nice dresser and 18 (hells yeah). Apparently everyone else thought so too. Bitches to the left, suckahs to the right. I deflected them with a one two SLICE. We danced, talked, I espoused the benefits of vegetarianism and offered some drag queen baking tips. The time flew by and of course (and sadly)I lost track of "P".

Coming out of the bathroom, I saw a good friend from a few summer ago who had moved to Paris. He invited me back to his hotel, not for sex but to steal stuff from the bathroom, he was staying at the Ritz. I was game, I mean it sounded like fun and I hadn't fucked with a concierge in so long. me, him and his BF took a cab back to the Ritz and I promptly took off all my clotheses. I don't know what it is but as god as my witness, I take off my clothes all the time, as much as a whore to fashion as I pretend to be, I would rather be naked. And it's not a sexual thing, it's just a freedom thing (I think).

So I was getting bored as fuck listening to these bitches stories about how they were gonna get married in Denmark of whatever tulip schlepping land they were talking about. I decided to go downstairs and pick up the pizza that we had ordered. Apparently the deliver guy could not come to to the room because of "Security" or some shit. Now this being a 5 star hotel and it being like 2am I was like "Shieeet, I'll just walk down with this duvet comforter wrapped around me. BAD IDEA. As soon as I payed the delivery guy from Manny and Olga's, I forgot what room my friends were in. Well this fucking sucked. Here I was, wrapped in a duvet in the lobby of the Ritz. Actually there was something cool about it, Egyptian cotton caressing my ass cheeks, travertine marble beneath me and most importantly a concierge wondering what the fuck is going on. My keys, wallet, phone, clothes, everything was back in there room. I soon found out that it's the Ritz's policy to not disclose who is staying in what room, I guess that's smart, gotta protect Beyonce and her traffic cone from the papparazzi.

The concierge, Shanae, (love ya girl) told me that she would be willing to walk me through every floor in an effort to find my room. Ok so here I am with a mother fucking pizza, wrapped in a duvet being led around by a sassy black lady. With my manly bits jangling in the wind, I followed Shanae until we found my room and long story short peaced out to my friends, got my shit and bounced.

I felt like a FUCKING STAR BABY.

I am my own page six. I can only guess that Shanae and her co-workers didn't throw me out because I owned my shit, I mean even though I was three sheets to the wind and draped in a fourth, I looked like this happened all the time. I didn't freak out. I was Paris Hilton and this was my Waldorf-Astoria. I didn't get to steal anything, and I am pretty sure I am not gonna be invited to my friends wedding in Dutchlandia or whatever it's called but care factor: zero. This night could have turned out ten times worse, I could have been arrested or even kicked out. But as Beyonce and friends sang on that extended dance remix that was playing earlier in the night: I'm a survivor...sometimes wrapped in a duvet...In the lobby of the Ritz.

Cheers Bitches

Thursday, March 10, 2005

It's Shake-n-Bake and my multi-racial friends helped


This is a pic of my roommate Nisha (on the right) and Janeane our newly adopted daughter. We make greek food together, gossip about boys and give each other Kiehl's Rare Earth cleansing facials. This Janeane is not a slut like the other Janeane I know.

SLICE HOEBAG!

Richard Johnson sucks man-heat

I wake up every morning, put on some sweats, tell my hairless Thai lady-boy maid Phung-Tak to make me some coffee and get my bath going and ease myself infront of the ole PC. I surf the web for approx. 30 minutes looking for a little gossip and smut to brighten my day. The first place I usually go is Page Six. If you haven't been there it is all about the rich and famous bitches of NY and LA (aka all my exes) and how fucking stupid they are because they forget that print media is still read. Page six usually never lets me down, but the past few weeks all they can talk about is fucking MIKE EISNER, yeah you know the head of GODDAMN DISNEY WORLD. Um ba'scuse me when did some cialis popping, mouse humping middle aged man become a "Celebrity". Yeah I understand the bitch ass has money but C'mon they crazy Dutch lady who lives in the apartment next to me has a fucking Renoir in her kitchen, do they write about how all her furniture is made from Tupperware? NO! So this is a silent protest aimed at Page Six and Dick Johnson, the editor (total sleezeball as seen on Project Run-Away-From-Wendy-Pepper), Dick, you need to find some new good shit, preferably not involving middle aged limp dicks and their agents, lawyers or (vomit) domestic staff. We want Beyonce found on Ave. A with a traffic cone stuck up her baby gate, Kevin Federline riding a tiger through FAO Schwartz, Nick (Le)Sashay servicing the busboys at NOBU. WE WANT DIRT BITCH. Or a CUT will be coming your way courtesy of my Harijuku girls, ya feel me.

In related news, Apparently Bruce Willis had his wiener returned to him after Ashton shamed his man-hood, because he sure is feeling his grits...with a Mean (My tattoo is as classy as my father) Girl.
http://www.nypost.com/gossip/42206.htm

Cheers bitches

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Free Verse Poetry Homage to Man on Metro

Jaunty hat-
Kicky Scarf-
One to many trips to bathroom mirror
with tweezers
in tow.
Bastard Baby Boy
from Divine of John Water's Fame
and
the asexual drummer from The Muppet Show.
Please don't touch me-
For I will Cut A Bitch, SLICE!

Reason to Date Cornelius # 1


- My Grandmother and her friends think I'm hot, yours prolly will too.

Daily Affimations

So I am sitting here doing a lil reading for class when I realize...WHAT THE FUCK AM I READING. Ok let me clarify, I am a Gender Studies major (a major I created myself because i just love being different) and all my homework, reports, assigned readings either have to do with butt love, pornography or "women's problems". I do believe I am the only one that gets a chubby from doing my homework. So I take down all my text books from my shelf (pottery barn) and glance through them. The preliminary count is 3 mentions of fisting, 1 sub-chapter dedicated to toxic-shock syndrom, and a plethora of wiener pics. Why couldn't I have just stayed a Poli-sci major?


Crying 'cause I cut a bitch

Boom upside yo head

So bitches I decided to start a blog...must learn how to post pic of my punim or no one will read it.